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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be engaged .....

71 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 26/12/2017 11:44

Hey, I'm hoping for a bit of realism here. Regular poster but name changed.
I've been with DP for three years. We don't have children of our own but he has two with his ex wife. It would be untrue if I said we'd had a perfect three years but I love him very much and the challenges we've faced we've dealt with as best we can. I'd say we're in a good place. We live together.

He's always known I want to get married again, I'm mid 40s and been married before. He also knows im a bit traditional and will never ask him.

Last Christmas and my birthday this year were a bit disappointing as there was no engagement, this Christmas is another story. I am so down. He knows how much I want this.

I don't want to sound horribly ungrateful as I have received some lovely gifts but I only wanted one! I feel I do so much for him and his children and he can't reciprocate with the one thing I want.

Hoping for a bit of advice. Thanks

OP posts:
Wilburissomepig · 26/12/2017 11:47

Really, I know you say you are traditional, but if this is the thing you want most, why don't you ask him? Is your tradition more important?

To be honest, and I genuinely don't mean this to be unkind, if he knows how much you want this and still hasn't asked, perhaps he doesn't want to be married again.

SendintheArdwolves · 26/12/2017 11:48

If you're too "traditional" to ask him, then what can you do? I guess you have to wait around for him to decide.

MotherCupboard · 26/12/2017 11:48

If you ain't going to ask him then you'll probably be waiting a very long time.

toolonglurking · 26/12/2017 11:48

Don't ask us, we don't know. Ask him. Sit down and have a proper conversation about what you both want.
I've been in a similar situation, and spoke to my DP about it, and we sorted it.

TheNaze73 · 26/12/2017 11:49

Ask him. It’s the 21st century.

PaperdollCartoon · 26/12/2017 11:49

Have you actually spoke to him about it? Have you asked him why he hasn’t asked?

AuntieStella · 26/12/2017 11:49

You need to separate this - issues about your (lifelong) future and whether/when it isnlcides one of the biggest legal contracts you'll ever enter - from Christmas presents.

Talk to him properly early in the New Year about marriage and setting a date.

I think you might have to lose the dream of a set-piece proposal. The ephemeral traditions icw weddings are way less important than the actual marriage.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/12/2017 11:51

Talk to him. If it is a deal breaker for you make this clear. But you need to be willing to follow through and walk away.

Give yourself a timeframe and end it if there has been no proposal during that time. 6 months would be heaps. In the meantime you can start to disengage by doing less for him and his DC and starting to plan what you would do if he doesn't propose.

Remember the saying ' if nothing changes then nothing changes' and if you do end up walking away he wasn't the man for you and although it will be incredibly painful short term, in the long run you will have the chance to find someone who wants the same things you do

Enidthecat · 26/12/2017 11:57

Omg she doesn't want to ask him so why are we all suggesting she should?

Have a conversation about it yes.

honeylulu · 26/12/2017 12:02

He knows you'd like to be married but you haven't said what his views are. Maybe he just doesn't want to marry again.
Being married is/ was important to me for example but I'm married to the person I have children with. I would not want to marry again if I were to be widowed etc. I can't see the point as i will not be having any more children and remarriage would complicate things in terms of assets I'd want to protect for my own children. Sorry to be blunt but maybe that's how he feels. Discuss it and then you can decide what to do.

rudolphslittlehelper · 26/12/2017 12:04

You have been married before- tradition is out the window with subsequent proposals. If you want to get married then set a date.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 26/12/2017 12:06

We have spoken about it, quite a lot recently. I secretly hoped he was planning a Christmas proposal. He's talked about our future and about me being Mrs his surname.

I really don't want to ask him, it just wouldn't feel right for me. Others can choose to do this, I just don't. I'd rather wait.

I'm just disappointed but will get over it ... until next birthday. I may have to give myself a deadline and stick to it as PP has suggested. I do love him very much though and we're so very nearly there.

OP posts:
Shouldileavethedogs · 26/12/2017 12:06

Traditionalist yet you live together Confused. Bite the bullet and propose to him. Grin

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2017 12:07

So traditional that you're living together?

Just ask him and if he still wants to get married, you can both book a date.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 26/12/2017 12:09

Well you live together so your not that traditional. Either ask him or accept that he might not be ready to ask or want to ask, realise its not just about and he actually has a say too and wait. Honestly you sound like a petulant child

flowery · 26/12/2017 12:10

”We have spoken about it, quite a lot recently.....He's talked about our future and about me being Mrs his surname.”

Might it not have actually occurred to him that you want a formal ‘surprise’ proposal rather than just continuing and developing adult discussions about your joint future?

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 26/12/2017 12:10

I disagree tradition is out of the window as we've both been married before.
Any future marriage with DP is just as important (more in fact) than my previous marriage.
To address PPs point. Hopefully this is a very long way off but his children's inheritance post marriage can be sorted by a will.

OP posts:
CheekyRedhead · 26/12/2017 12:10

Why does it have to be at Christmas, Valentine's Day or your birthday? I'd hate it to be on those days. It's a cliche. Maybe he is waiting for the right moment? Maybe your sulks each birthday and Christmas put him off?!

RaindropsAndSparkles · 26/12/2017 12:10

I don't understand why women agree to live with men before men make a permanent commitment if marriage is important to them.

Neverender · 26/12/2017 12:11

Different perspective here but I just told him I wanted to be married before 35 or I wouldn't ever want to (this was how I felt). We got married 13 days before my 35th.

It was my own personal deadline.

Rainybohoho · 26/12/2017 12:11

I think the crux of this is whether he wants to get married again. He might not and that is absolutely his choice too.

I love my DP very much. We have both been married before. I absolutely never want to get married again and want to kick my younger self for getting married even once. I feel very strongly about this and have discussed it with DP. He is a little more easy going than me and maybe would. So I thought it was important for him to know how I felt.

How does your DP feel?

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 26/12/2017 12:11

Haha traditional not entrenched in the Victorian era! Yes we live together.

OP posts:
CurlyRover · 26/12/2017 12:14

Seriously just ask him. You're both adults and surely should both have equal say over whether you get married? Maybe he thinks continuing conversation like an adult is the way forward rather than a traditional proposal. Or maybe he just doesn't want to get married and is just saying things to appease you. You know him better than we do. Can't you have that conversation with him?

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2017 12:15

We have spoken about it, quite a lot recently

And what has he actually said about it?

That's what you need to focus on, not the fact he hasn't asked you a question that he already knows the answer to anyway.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 26/12/2017 12:15

Petulant child - really?? Just voicing my feelings on an anonymous forum? I haven't sulked, we had a lovely family day, I just felt a bit sad in the morning.

OP posts: