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Original poster

To not be engaged .....

71 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 26/12/2017 11:44

Hey, I'm hoping for a bit of realism here. Regular poster but name changed.
I've been with DP for three years. We don't have children of our own but he has two with his ex wife. It would be untrue if I said we'd had a perfect three years but I love him very much and the challenges we've faced we've dealt with as best we can. I'd say we're in a good place. We live together.

He's always known I want to get married again, I'm mid 40s and been married before. He also knows im a bit traditional and will never ask him.

Last Christmas and my birthday this year were a bit disappointing as there was no engagement, this Christmas is another story. I am so down. He knows how much I want this.

I don't want to sound horribly ungrateful as I have received some lovely gifts but I only wanted one! I feel I do so much for him and his children and he can't reciprocate with the one thing I want.

Hoping for a bit of advice. Thanks

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/12/2017 12:17

Maybe he wants it to be a surprise? Your birthday and Christmas wouldn't be one.

Try and chill and let him propose in his own time.

PantPlot · 26/12/2017 12:20

Well if you'd rather wait then wait.

Are you worried that even though you've spoken about it in some depth, if he hasn't done it now he's not going to?

goodbyeeee · 26/12/2017 12:21

I will never understand the "waiting to be proposed to while resentment builds" thing. I would think carefully about why you feel the need to be asked is more important than having a frank grown up.conversation about it.

reallybadidea · 26/12/2017 12:22

Hmm, I think calling you 'Mrs his surname' can be a way of stringing people along. I'm not saying that he is definitely doing this, but it could be he's dangling a tantalising little carrot. It also means that he can't be accused of not wanting to get married because he's making the right noises.

But if he actually wanted you to be Mrs his name's it's fairly simple and straightforward to ask you and you've been clear that you want to get married. So I'd guess that he either doesn't really want to get married or at least doesn't want to enough. Only three years in and you've already had 'challenges'. I dunno, is it really that great a relationship? Or are you just settling and want to feel married and secure?

rudolphslittlehelper · 26/12/2017 12:22

You have both been married before.
You live together.

But you are traditional?

Stop being precious. Ask him. Book a registry office for just you and the children- very romantic- surprise him.
If he says no then you have a decision to make.

Ellisandra · 26/12/2017 12:23

Another one in the camping of laughing at selective traditions!

Just bloody ask him!

Fuck any tradition that expects me to be passive Confused

thepatchworkcat · 26/12/2017 12:24

Maybe he will propose but not necessarily on Christmas or birthday? He might want it to be a separate occasion.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 26/12/2017 12:26

Maybe he doesn’t want to get married again especially if he’s last marriage was unsuccessful

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2017 12:27

Does he realise you expect him to ask you? Or if you were to say, shall we set a date that he’d agree to one?

You sound like you want the fairy tale but times have moved on and men don’t necessarily realise some women want the big proposal.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 26/12/2017 12:29

If he knows it’s important to you but hasn’t asked you, you need to try and figure out why. You can only do this by talking to him, not us.

He’s talking about the name change and is onboard with you having a future together, so you need to ascertain if he is hesitant due to the legal complications re inheritance etc or whether he sees it as a frivolous expense, whether you have he same ideas about what sort of wedding you’d have etc

You also need to ask yourself whether he’s generally a self-motivated sort or is it usually you who initiates other big events like holidays and weekends away etc. It might be that he’s just a bit lazy and thoughtless in other ways, in which case he won’t ever get round to asking.

Or it may be that he doesn’t see the urgency around marriage and genuinely intends to ask you, but thinks waiting until his DCs are adults or finished school etc is the aim.

Without talking to him about WHY it’s important, what it represents, what challenges you may face etc you will risk being disappointed for years to come.

I have also expressed to my DP of 5 years that some form of commitment is important to me, even if not the actual marriage (due to complications around our DCs living together) then an engagement to show our solidarity. However, he hasn’t followed through and sometimes I wonder if I even want him to! What really changes other than your name?

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 26/12/2017 12:33

Haha traditional not entrenched in the Victorian era! Yes we live together.

The trouble is though Boxingday he already has everything he wants if you live together. Traditionally the proposal/marriage would have been his ticket to sex on tap, kids, a housekeeper etc so men had an incentive to share “all their worldly goods” because they got something good from the deal that wasn’t freely available.

We can all appreciate the social distinction that comes from being referred to as his wife rather than girlfriend but otherwise to many, especially when the legal protections of money, assets and children etc are not involved, it’s just a piece of paper.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 26/12/2017 12:34

Thanks all. Your comments are appreciated.
I'm pretty sure his DC will be happy with us marrying in the future. They're teenagers and I've been around for a good while. During our conversations he's even mentioned his DS being best man so I just need to settle myself and wait! Thanks again for your replies.

OP posts:
WinnieFosterTether · 26/12/2017 12:36

I agree with a PP that talking about name changes can be a stringing along technique.
If you don't want to ask him, that's your choice but you do need to decide if marriage is a deal breaker for you. Legally and financially if you're living together then you would be more secure if you were married. It's a practical as well as an emotional decision.
So put aside the disappointment and have a serious conversation about where the relationship is going and in what time scale. You can even say 'I'd like a traditional proposal but if nothing has changed by x date then I'll know we see the relationship differently.'
Your OP hints at ups and downs which are normal but mentioning them in a post about a proposal does make me wonder if you're trying to paper over cracks with a 'fairytale proposal' rather than acknowledging that you're on different pages.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2017 12:38

Settle yourself and wait?

Jeez, that makes you sound like a little puppy up at the window, waiting for someone to come home.

Just be adult about it for goodness sake. Marriage is a very important commitment.

PoorYorick · 26/12/2017 12:38

It's not tradition that's keeping you from asking him.

BringOnTheNewYear · 26/12/2017 12:43

I really don't want to ask him, it just wouldn't feel right for me. Others can choose to do this, I just don't. I'd rather wait.

Well then you're just going to have to wait, aren't you? You can't say you'd rather wait and then complain about having to wait.

ArchchancellorsHat · 26/12/2017 12:44

I agree with others saying set yourself a time limit. If it's something that's important to you, discuss it with him but set your time limit and be prepared to stick to it.

Is it the thought of a big wedding taht's putting him off, as you can get to teh registry office and have a nice day without it costing too much.

Thedietstartsnow · 26/12/2017 12:45

He has nothing to gain by being married to you...your shagging him,looking after his kids,cooking for him,washing his clothes...what does he gain by being married???

Knittedfairies · 26/12/2017 12:46

I don't want to get your hopes up, but a proposal doesn't have to be made at Christmas or on a birthday!

Thedietstartsnow · 26/12/2017 12:46

Sorry,don't mean to be nasty..just my experience is ,if you give it them all before marriage,they have nothing to gain by being married

BuzzKillington · 26/12/2017 12:47

I'm all for tradition, but you've both been married before and already live together and you're older, so I think wanting an old fashioned proposal and engagement is a bit daft.

Thedietstartsnow · 26/12/2017 12:50

Give yrself a time limit,then end it ,if being married means that much.i totally get where yr coming from,and being catholic myself ,marriage was very important to me ,luckily I am happily married..but dh wasn't that bothered about being married at all

Neverender · 26/12/2017 12:50

Or act like you now don't want to. Might work and if it doesn't then you've lost nothing but it definitely helped with a couple of my friends.

goodbyeeee · 26/12/2017 12:50

Jeez, that makes you sound like a little puppy up at the window, waiting for someone to come home

This.

It's just so passive. Waiting to be "chosen". Ugh.

MudCity · 26/12/2017 12:52

I totally get where you’re coming from and yes, you do have to wait it out. Unfortunately this means it happens in his time rather than your time (or might not happen at all). I do think you will need to have a conversation so he knows how much it means to you. Following the conversation you might need to set a deadline for yourself by which, if he hasn’t proposed, you are prepared to walk away from the relationship. You can’t spend your life waiting for this man...it will only lead to disappointment and resentment in the long term.