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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be engaged .....

71 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 26/12/2017 11:44

Hey, I'm hoping for a bit of realism here. Regular poster but name changed.
I've been with DP for three years. We don't have children of our own but he has two with his ex wife. It would be untrue if I said we'd had a perfect three years but I love him very much and the challenges we've faced we've dealt with as best we can. I'd say we're in a good place. We live together.

He's always known I want to get married again, I'm mid 40s and been married before. He also knows im a bit traditional and will never ask him.

Last Christmas and my birthday this year were a bit disappointing as there was no engagement, this Christmas is another story. I am so down. He knows how much I want this.

I don't want to sound horribly ungrateful as I have received some lovely gifts but I only wanted one! I feel I do so much for him and his children and he can't reciprocate with the one thing I want.

Hoping for a bit of advice. Thanks

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 26/12/2017 12:56

I get not wanting to propose, definitely not for me, either, but really don't understand why you want a whole proposal thing when you've both been married before, mid-40s, live together. You probably won't get what you want because a) he has no reason to do b) he doesn't want to get married again.

You need to decide what your limit is.

Olympiathequeen · 26/12/2017 12:56

There are huge advantages to being married. Financial and social (you can’t decide on emergency hospital treatment for instance)

You are both adults and should at least take steps legally to secure your financial future and ensure you are named as next of kin.

Maybe you are too traditional to ask him to marry you but surely you can ask for a clearer outline of your future together?

stickytoffeevodka · 26/12/2017 12:57

There's been at least three threads like this this month alone.

Women who want a "traditional proposal" but are happy to move in with partners, and have sex and children with them.

If you want to get married - talk to him and set a date. If you're waiting for a big proposal and a white wedding be prepared for it never to happen.

But then I wouldn't have kids with someone, move in with them and parent their existing children in any way without the protection of marriage.

JennyHolzersGhost · 26/12/2017 12:57

I think before you talk to him about this again you need to answer a couple of questions in your own mind.
Is not getting married a deal breaker for you, or would you stay with him but resent it?
And if it’s a deal breaker then when’s your deadline? At what point do you say enough is enough ?
There’s no point in even thinking about marriage until you’re clear about what you want and what you are not willing to accept.

MrsKoala · 26/12/2017 12:59

I know people are different, but this is a subject i find confusing. I have been married twice and both times we have had ongoing conversations about where the relationship is going and what we both want. Then at some point the conversation goes along the lines of 'i want to get married' 'so do i' 'great, when shall we do it?' 'what about next spring?' And then we talk about which registry office to book.

My friend had this with her boyfriend for years, coy conversations saying she wanted to be married but wanted a traditional romantic proposal and her boyfriend hinting and winking about maybe this would be her year. It was painful.

I am too impatient to leave something that important to me to someone else to decide. I think once you both have said you want to get married to each other, then the proposal cat is out of the bag and you should just arrange a date. It's not as if it's surprise after all is it?

stickytoffeevodka · 26/12/2017 13:07

Yep, this!

Parker231 · 26/12/2017 13:11

What are your DP’s views on getting married again?

HappyAndRelaxed · 26/12/2017 13:18

He could propose (tonight) St Stephen's Day or New Years Eve or New Years Day. You could ruin the surprise if he wasn't planning on asking Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I'd wait it out since he has been talking about it. If it doesn't happen then sit him down and be honest about how hurt you are.

IsaSchmisa · 26/12/2017 21:27

To address PPs point. Hopefully this is a very long way off but his children's inheritance post marriage can be sorted by a will.

Erm, not necessarily.

If he marries you, that potentially gives you a claim on his assets if you were to divorce or a means to challenge his will if he dies before you and leaves everything to his children. It's complex and very situation specific, but tbh in his shoes I might not necessarily want to marry again either. Simply because by marrying someone you potentially make it harder to protect your assets for your children from a previous marriage.

That's not to say this is what he's doing here. And if he is, he should be upfront about it. However, it's not necessarily as simple as you make it sound here.

foodfrax · 26/12/2017 21:35

A) you haven’t been together long B) you’ve been married before C) you are older. These are all reasons you haven’t had that ‘magic proposal’. It’s a bit weird you even want one. I can’t think of anyone that has been married twice that did all that second time round.

festivedinosaur · 26/12/2017 21:51

There's always New Year's Eve?
And many men don't want to propose on a significant date

Somerford · 26/12/2017 21:59

Haha traditional not entrenched in the Victorian era! Yes we live together.

You're not traditional at all, OP. You are retaining traditions that you like and discarding the ones that you don't which means that there are specific reasons for retaining or discarding each individual tradition. I've seen this a lot on MN over the last couple of weeks and it is starting to get tedious.

You are not unwilling to ask him to marry you for tradition's sake. What is the actual reason? It's important to understand this because the simplest solution is to just fucking ask him and be done with it. If there is a legitimate reason why this isn't an option then you can ask people to look beyond that and look for another answer which might help you along. Really though these threads seem to follow a similar pattern each time and the actual question ought to be "I need a Facebook worthy proposal and it doesn't seem to be forth coming. I'm not willing to separate from my partner, please think of a way to make him propose". If that is your question, just say so and that way anyone who responds knows what they're dealing with and nobody is wasting their time.

Rossigigi · 27/12/2017 00:17

Maybe he just didn't want to get married and that's why he's listening to you and making the right noises, but isn't actually asking you.

Maybe he's hoping you will just get bored of the idea and give up.

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 27/12/2017 10:09

Why do some people feel the need to be so bloody unpleasant? Do you get a kick out of it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 27/12/2017 10:29

To answer a couple of points - I'm not wanting a Facebook worthy proposal,
Just a simple "will you marry me", perhaps over dinner?? Secondly, for those who think I'm only interested in marrying him to strip his assets from his children, this is seriously not the case. I am wealthy in my own rights and don't need to take him for his inheritance, I certainly wouldn't contest any will leaving inheritance to his children. I find it astonishing that so many of you think this would be the case? You have a low opinion of society and "second" wives.

OP posts:

IsaSchmisa · 27/12/2017 11:01

Did anyone say that would be the case? I may be missing a post, in which case apologies, but the closest I can see to this is me and another couple of posters pointing out that marriage to you means he's giving you a claim on the assets he may want to pass to his DC. Which he is!

It's not a criticism of you, or a suggestion that you'd do anything. Merely pointing out that if married, you potentially could but unmarried, you couldn't. People often do know this and this is sometimes a reason why people in his position don't want to re/marry. You'd be better off not taking it personally when people point out what the legal reality is.

If this isn't likely to be something that's a factor in his decision making, fine. You know him and we don't. But you're clearly not fully in command of the facts if you think his DCs inheritance can be definitively sorted by post-marriage wills.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2017 11:34

Just a simple "will you marry me", perhaps over dinner??

But he knows you will, because you're discussed it, so what's the point in asking?

You'd be far better off sitting down and discussing prospective dates over dinner.

If he then won't engage in the conversation and suggest any dates etc, you'll know he really doesn't want to get married.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2017 11:34

*you've

SilverySurfer · 27/12/2017 12:04

Well if he won't ask you and you won't ask him you will have to do as you suggested in one of your posts and just wait. There's not much point talking to us about it, you need to be talking to him. If you already live together I don't understand the waiting for a proposal thing.

Headofthehive55 · 27/12/2017 12:12

I think part of you not wanting to discuss possible dates for a wedding is the fear that he might not actually want to at all.
But at least you will find out!

Headofthehive55 · 27/12/2017 12:14

Start calling yourself girlfriend not partner it front if him and see how he reacts. Or call him your current boyfriend. (As if there will be another next week)

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