To not buy for people who’ve forgotten my son’s birthday yet again

[Turquoisetamborine]

Son’s birthday is today. He wanted money from us so that’s what he got. He got a sad few items, mostly superhero themed which he hasn’t been into for at least six years.

I know Boxing Day is a crap birthday but surely people would realise that and try to make up for it by getting him a card not a fucking joint present with his Christmas present.

I’m actually keeping a note today of who forgets like they do every single year and I’m not getting them anything for their birthday. When they ask why I’ll just say sorry thought we weren’t doing it anymore.

By people who do you mean? Is it family ?

Do you see them often? Do they call and ask what he's into?

You sound a bit unsure at what's going on. Are they combining presents? How come they know so littke about what he likes?

Personally I'd have put a tenner in a card for him but it's unclear if people have actuakky forgotten or just not making as by a deal of it as you would like?

How often do you see these people

Fair enough.

I'm not sure it is fair punishing kids when their parents forgot though. Otherwise, go for it.

I'm sure the super-hero buyers didn't buy them specifically because it was Christmas time so they would have been unappreciated whenever his birthday was. Tell them next time money will do, they will prefer that instead of trying to find something else to buy at this mad time. Hopefully as a family you made his birthday special.

I think it’s a combination of a lot of utterly shit gifts for both kids this year (utter tat which would either fall apart, is not age appropriate, is just generally a shit gift from the bargain bin) and the lack of fuss made of his birthday by family has reached a head today.

I was meaning presents from family. He has up until today received presents from two of my oldest friends who also have sons of a similar age which is why I was so surprised at how unembarrassed they were for giving utter shit presents to him (age 6 top for a 10 yr old, has a 60p Primark sale sticker on).

Anyway I’ve texted my friends to say nicely please don’t buy for me or the kids any longer for birthday or Christmas. I said it nicely though. I spend a fortune on them and get rubbish back.

The lack of birthday gifts or cards was mostly from relatives. He didn’t want a party so we took him out for the day which he really enjoyed. My MIL has just rang to ask if he enjoyed his birthday when she didn’t send him a present.

I’ve just been speaking to other friends about this and it really isn’t normal to be given the contents of B&M bargains every Christmas. They actually get decent presents from family.

Anyway I’m making big changes and having a massive cull of people I usually buy for in the family and as I’ve said above no friends kids will be bought for unless we attend a party.

Not much in grand scheme of things but thanks for letting me get it off my chest.

I agree with you. I also wouldn't buy for anyone who didn't for any of my children. Not buying presents is fine, as long as everyone understands it works both ways. I would also give zero f@&£'s if anyone thought I was being petty.

YANBU. Dd1's birthday is Christmas eve and everyone makes a special effort to make it special for her. Unfortunately, our family seem to struggle to remember dd2's summer birthday for some reason which is annoying but we try not to draw attention to this.

Feel for you and agree, don’t buy for others who ‘forget’. DH is a early January baby and had to put up with receiving everybody’s unwanted Christmas tat as birthday presents for years.

What did you say to your MiL?

I feel awful for your little boy! That's so sad that his birthday has been cast aside. I know it's not easy for people when birthdays fall close to Xmas but they didn't chose to be born then! DH stopped talking to his oldest friend when he didn't buy a card or present for DS1s 2nd birthday. It really hurt him that someone so close to him could forget such an important occasion

I know someone who has a son who was born on Christmas Day, they celebrate his birthday in Summer.

A gift is not a gift if it's an obligation. People do not HAVE to buy your son a present. Equally, you are totally within your rights not to buy them a present. YANBU.

Well my ds is a Christmas Day boy and his first birthday was ignored by most family. Obviously he didn’t notice but I had him late in life and after both dh and I spending years buying for our siblings’ children it hurt a lot. Gentle hints made sure that it won’t happen again. So far it hasn’t, which is good, as at 10, he thinks it’s a rubbish birthday and would be hurt if he was forgotten.

MIL asked if he liked his present from her and H said yes he liked his CHRISTMAS present. She didn’t pick up on the hint.

I know presents are not an obligation but when I buy for other people’s kids they shouldn’t forget one of mine when they never forget the other one as his happens to be in April.

Anyway he enjoyed his day and said he wouldn’t change his birth date.

Happy birthday to all the other Christmas and January babies on here.

He sounds awesome.

YANBU every year people forget DD which is very early January. Now I just send a text reminder a few days before. DD doesn't mind because people have always tended to just send her money but it's a shame. She was due on Christmas Day and I was a bit sad when I went over but have now realised that would have been worse!

It's a bit extreme, but my friend was born on the 28th of December and by her 20s was so tired of experiencing what you described that she 'moved' her birthday to mid July.

Ideal would have obviously been for people not to take the piss and get her rubbish tat/forget altogether but this works for her

DH should speak properly to MIL about it and not just make a passive aggressive comment. Unless the xmas gift from MIL was a really big one!

It was impolite to send the “please let’s not exchange gifts” to your two old friend so soon after receipt of (shit) gifts. That could’ve waited a few months.

Def not unreasonable! Mine is the 29th and I get so fed up of getting nice presents for others and making a fuss but getting nothing back that I end up feeling quite resentful tbh. It’s like not really having a birthday and although I understand there’s so much else going on for pp this time of year, it’s still hurtful.

And it happens every bloody year!

Tho when I turned 40 I had my party 2 weeks later so I could have a proper celebration. It’s not so much about the presents themselves, it’s the feeling that you don’t matter that is so hard to come to terms with tbh.

I’ve just been speaking to other friends about this and it really isn’t normal to be given the contents of B&M bargains every Christmas. They actually get decent presents from family.

This is correct. Dd is 23rd Dec and has never, ever been giving shit presents on her birthday. She’s also never been given a “joint” Xmas and birthday present. She’s 20 now.

I have my Mum, sister, 2x nieces, my birthday and both DDs in Dec.
Yes Xmas is a busy time for everyone but imo it’s just plain mean to ignore a Christmas birthday.

YANBU. I have a nephew whose birthday falls over the festive period. Me and the rest of the family have all managed to buy him separate birthday gifts and cards and wrap them appropriately - it's really not difficult.

Definitely stop buying for anyone who is not reciprocating and making the effort. And if when they contact you to moan, you can nicely point out that you thought that it had been agreed you should no longer bother because they didn't do anything for your DS's birthday.

Oh and as for crappy presents -

I admit my choices have probably not been inspired as they all got older - pretty solidly vouchers or cash. But I'd say that either of those things are better than a too-small age inappropriate top that came out of Primark for 60p in the sale!

Op, we have the opposite problem.

We have 2 sets of friends (same friendship group) who we exchange birthday and Christmas presents with, both with 2 DDs. I have DS and DD. Ours and family 1 DDs are same ages (20/17), Family 2 Dds pre/young teens.

Eldest in all 3 families have birthdays with 6 days of each other in Nov.

Youngest in other 2 families have birthdays on almost consecutive days in October. My DD birthday is in Early June.

So out of our 6 DC, DD is only birthday not in October or November.

They almost always forget DDs birthday. She usually gets something, but weeks late and the one with younger girls then sends random tat. One year it looked like she had just picked random bits up in her house including small packs of sweets.

I did hope we could stop at 18 but when the 2 eldest (incl. DS) turned 18 two years ago, the 2 friends were both keen to carry on.

It annoys me, but as DH said, the friend with younger kids is lovely, just disorganised and I do value her friendship, so not worth falling out over.

Christmas is generally fine, usually a gift card or money, so I know DDs birthday is just forgetfulness/disorganisation.

Others who suddenly stop, then I do just stop theirs but would prefer it to be agreed, in case something has been posted and just not arrived. DH uncle has one DD slightly older than my kids, so although she is DH first cousin, she is only slightly older than my 2 and their cousins. Grown up together, always bought at birthdays and xmas.

I have carried on buying for her even past graduation as she has only PT work and not settled into a career yet. I know my SIL was planning to also continue presents till settled in a career.

This year, DS didn't even get a card at birthday (but did get a FBook msg from DH uncle) and we only had a card at xmas. I have no problem stopping presents, but would prefer it to be agreed.

From one Boxing Day baby to another, happy birthday to your DS. YANBU to want others to remember him as much as any other child on their birthday - I'm glad he had a good time anyway, but def would be sorting a no-gift exchange with friends/family and spending the money on your DC instead.

That said, I've always loved my Boxing Day bday and now share it with my own DS, and I figure a lot is in how you approach it. My mum was brilliant at making sure there was a cake and happy birthday sung to me at Christmas if we weren't hanging around til Boxing Day. I also recently found out she'd had strict words with family about combined presents/forgetting so it never happened. And we had parties or a friend to stay that night which worked for us in a farming area where people didn't go away for the hols. For DS people go away so I organise his party before school lets out, though next year I might do a few weeks after school goes back. So far it's worked brilliantly. Family comes over on the day for cake & drinks, DS chooses dinner, we do presents, me & him have a birthday buddy photo together ... In short we make it a big deal and he has a great time

There are also perks to a Boxing Day birthday if you look for them For eg, the world is magical and decorated which is always special. There's lots of candy. It's budget friendly as you get older - Christmas leftovers pretty much takes care of food plus people are so stuffed from Christmas you only really need cake. It's always a public holiday. So a lot of it is how you present it to him and what you make it - and I mean this to be encouraging, not patronising. From someone who knows both the experience of a Boxing Day birthday AND the trying to provide a good experience for my kid - it's definitely doable. Don't let a few thoughtless people get you down. Take the day back for yourselves and it'll be wonderful.

My nephew is Boxing Day and we’d never dream of forgetting. A proper present in birthday paper is waiting for our Xmas meetup.

I’m sorry your friends and family haven’t sent anything. That sucks.