Posting here for traffic - I'm finding it hard to cope with my DD1's violence towards me and DD2.

[Lizzie48]

I've posted this on the adoption board but I'm posting it here too looking for a response as I'm finding this really hard right now.

I'm really at the end of my strength with my DD1, because of the way she's lashing out when she's angry.

My 2 DDs are adopted so behavioural issues have more complex routes than for children brought up by their biological parents so please don't judge my DD1 (8) too harshly. She's been diagnosed with Attachment Disorder and with SPD so life has been challenging to say the least.

She's been violent towards me and my DD2 on and off the last few years and it gets worse when she's not in her usual routine, ie school. We've been waiting for her to have therapy for some time, and it's finally going to start in the New Year, thankfully.

We’ve had some really bad behaviour from her the last few days. She’s had massive meltdowns and yesterday, just before church, she launched herself at tme and punched me hard twice and would have gone on if I hadn’t pulled away. And she regularly throws things and hurts her little sister, though she’s less aggressive with her from what I can see.

It’s becoming more scary because she’s now 8 years old and is growing stronger all the time. And although she hasn’t yet really hurt her sister, it’s becoming more of a safety issue as she gets older.

She's so vulnerable at the same time. She so often throws at me, 'You only care about (DD2) not me.' That's because she has consequences for her behaviour, which DD2 doesn't have as she doesn't behave in the same way that DD1 does.

Any advice on strategies we could use to deal with her behaviour would be very much appreciated.

Is she medicated? In therapy?

I volunteer with children with ASD and some of the strategies might help you with your situation.

Simplify instructions and keep it simple & visual where possible:

NAS Christmas guides

Challenging behaviours

Violent behaviour

Preparing for change

behaviour

advice line

Hi OP no judgement here. My dd (15) has similar outbursts - her and ds both adopted and dd has AD, SPD, MLD etc. The outbursts usually come from anxiety and any transition, change in routine causes anxiety. Have you tried using a safe place or chill out area? We were recommended to use dds room as a calm down area along with a bean bag or cushion for her to take her aggression out on.

We eventually got the right person in Camhs and dd underwent play therapy for 18 months which did help

Jaka how do you get them to go to their room/chill out area when they'd rather stay and hit you?

My sympathies Lizzie - challenging behaviour is awful. My son (not adopted) had similar issues, but therapy helped a bit, as did the support I was given. As Jakadaal says, my son's outbursts came from a fear of change, so the idea of a 'safe' place to calm down is a good one. I was always careful to point out that his room was a place of safety and not punishment.
You and your daughter get no judgement from me either.💐

Do you get any support from school / camhs/ social care?
My dd is a little older but similar circumstances she has an attachment disorder, ADHD and learning difficulties, she is also violent and it can be so hard.

drspouse I sat in his room too....then 'escaped'

Similar situation here with DS(9). He is under CAMHS and I'm starting an NVR course in January but not sure it's going to work with an AD child.

But mine gets camhs therapy 3 x a week, I've been trained on restraint, she's doing life story work and I'm being shown some theraplay to do.
I get a lot of support and it's still hard

I'm on waiting list for NVR too

her thinking you like her sister more than her will be SOOOO painful for her. try and do as much 121 time with her as you can. all oldest children feel like it so it's not anything you are doing but it doesn't help with behaviour. hopefully someone more helpful than me will be along soon. have you trird the adoption board? merry Christmas. xxx

Hi, Lizzie, I have adopted dds aged 16 and 13.
Oldest has always been aggressive. I belatedly realised that when she was scared, it showed as anger.
When she was younger it helped to contain her in a small place. Some adopters do safe holding, but I just made her sit on the floor of her room, with the wall on her one side, the chest of drawers in front of her, and me sitting on the bed blocking her in with my legs. This seemed to calm her down and after hitting my legs, sometimes she would start to hug them.
She’s also been given anger management advice such as punch a pillow or bounce on the trampoline when you’re angry.
I wish I could say camhs will definitely help. It might but we haven’t seen a huge difference here, and I know it can often get worse before it gets better.
Horse riding has been really good for my dd. Even just being around horses and grooming them etc calms her down

We've had six sessions of CAMHS, helpful as far as it goes. We have to do our own life story work (overseas adopters though I did go on a great course and made a start on a book, DH is supposed to be inputting and is dragging his heels but to be fair there is NEVER a good time to tell him hard things. He's coming up to 6.
I read the Therapeutic Parenting FB group and I try so hard to connect with him, and so does DH, but it's a daily battle.
We're also in process of going for a possible ADHD diagnosis and have set the ball rolling with PAS but they seem to rely on signposting (yes we know there are post adoption groups, they are all wrong time/place/age for us. Yes we know there are Theraplay courses, we went on one, it just told us loads of theory)

Thank you for so much good advice. I do send her to her room, but that's mainly so I can keep her separate from DD2. The advice I've had is to comfort and reassure her rather than punish her, which goes against the grain especially when DD2 has been targeted and is upset.

DD2 sometimes says that DD1 is always hurting her, which is an exaggeration but there is some truth in that. She once said that she wanted to go back to her foster carers to get away from her. That was heartbreaking as they are birth siblings and we obviously want them to benefit from being together.

I agree that it's hurtful for DD1 to think that we love DD2 more; it's absolutely not true, though. But she's also jealous as DD2 has a lot more friends and party invitations, so it is tricky.

Thank you, saladtongs, I will have a look at those links you've given me.

Can you get any post-adoption help from Child Placement at your local social work service?

They're the ones who have arranged the therapy for me. So it's taken a while but it is happening now.

I didn't mean that it's true!!!! just that I remember feeling that way when I was small and my sister didn't get punished when I did (even though I was guilty and she was innocent, kids aren't logical 😂😂) xx

It's ok, Ummmmgogo, I know what you meant. I'm just having to constantly reassure her about this. And DD2 being more popular adds to her feeling of being hard done by.

yes it's hard being the oldest. and it's hard being a mum. my sister says it's hard being the youngest but she's clearly chatting shit 😂!

I recommend two books

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.
This monumental work really helps adults to engage with kids on their level without getting their backs up. I would recommend every parent read

Playful parenting
Is more specifically a book for helping kids through issues imo. It focuses on building connection through play and really helps focus your mind on how to communicate through play.

Both of them have chapters devoted to discipline without punishment.

I struggle with this concept a lot, as you say sometimes it seems wrong to let actions go unpunished but that’s not what they’re saying.
It’s more that punishment only makes them less receptive to actually working anything out

Also I wanted to make clear I’m not judging you either.

You’re doing ok, honestly.

All kids go through phases of kicking off some have better reasons.

Just keep reassuring her that you love her and nothing she can do is going to push you away

Following with interest OP, I have an adopted ds who is just a little older. Lots of horrible violence here too. You are not alone.

I’ve only worked with children with attachment disorder, but I found this book quite helpful and referred to it often. From memory, it was written by a parent of adoptive children who had AD.

Thanks, everyone. I hope things improve for you and your DS, crusoe. It's really hard, isn't it?

I also know that it's not DD1's fault that she's like this. In addition to everything else, she suffered a head injury whilst in foster care at 6 weeks old and as a result has glasses and hearing aids. She's had an awful lot to cope with in her short life.

She's also desperate for attention from us. After her outbursts she then gets so upset and wants a cuddle, it's heartbreaking. I then wait until she's calmed down to talk to her about what happened.

At the suggestion of dds psychotherapist I created a quiet corner in her room (bean bag and posters on the wall). We repeatedly told her that this was her chill out zone and tried to get her to use it outside of the times of her upset.

As another poster said sometimes I would go and sit with her and then withdraw but more often than not she chooses to storm off and go there. It is never used as a punishment but as a coping mechanism for her.

Its possibly easier as she doesn’t hit me but rather targets her brother so I intervene