Mother and father going to upset sister in Christmas Day!

[strugglingthroughlife]

I love 130 miles away from my family.

My sister has invited our parents around her house for Christmas Day, for lunch and to spend it with kids and dn(niece) as it's her 7th birthday!

I've been messaging my mum this morning and she's told me that she doesn't plan on staying long as dsis house (they're leaving home at 11am and want to be back at their house by 2pm, it's a gulag hour drive each way)

But on the other hand my sister has sent me images of how much food she's making, all of her prepping and just how much effort she's putting in, when I've asked her whose she cooking for she said "mum, Dad, Nan, and brother" who will all be with my mum and Dad! Dsis has very little money so this has all been a massive effort that she's really put a lot into.

When I've asked my mum if she's told dsis that she won't be there for dinner her answer was "I told her ages ago" my mum has form for lying, I know this is a lie, they haven't told dsis they're not staying for dinner! Otherwise she'd never spend all that money on feeding extra people!

What do I do, do I let it unfold and watch them upset her again! Or do I say something? To dsis? To mother?

I just don't know, I know when they get there and say "oh, we're not staying for dinner" dsis will be so upset as she's specifically invited them around for the day and for dinner!!!

Your mother sounds awful, but well done you OP for forewarning your sister. She'd have felt so much worse if she'd found out that you knew they weren't planning to stay for lunch. At least she has you looking out for her.

Tell your sister she's been given the best gift of all. The power to change all this and never let it repeat itself.

I'm the eldest too, sis is youngest and is gc, brother is neglected middle child.

Please please call your mother out on this so at least she knows you know what she's really like.

And direct your sis to stately homes and/or outofthefog.website

I am conversely dads gc (but he had ulterior motives) and sis is scapegoat with him. It's truly fucked up!

I'm so glad you're supportive of her. Unfortunately I've had to go Nc with sis as she's turning out like dad weirdly.

Definitely encourage her to get professional support in extrixating herself from this situation.

My mother never liked my sister much growing up

I really struggle with this statement. I can understand there may be periods of time where someone may not like their child very much because of their trying behaviour. But all the time?!!

Daughter of a narcissist here. I agree she sounds totally self absorbed and narcissistic.

@Mummyoflittledragon it tends to happen sometimes when the first child was an "accident" and so meant the parents had to get married. The first kid ends up being resented as the reason for tying the parents down and together (especially the mother). There are lots of families with stories like this.

awful

I hope your sister can be persuaded to go NC - or would your mother try to follow her around? I hope not!!

My mum told me many a time she didn’t like me

‘I’ve tried but I just don’t like you’

Aww shucks. Thanks mum

OP I’m glad you’re there for your sister

You sound like a fantastic sister.

Sending sympathies batteries
My DM was just the same. I got the, "I don't like you, I don't love you and I wish I hadn't had you."
Like deckoff says, some parents are damaged. I forgave her in my head ages ago and my life is fab. You can't fix a toxic parent.

Wish Struggling had been my DSIS as it would've been great support. ATB xx

Aw this thread is just so sad. for everyone

Your sister is lucky to have you looking out for her. I'm sorry she's going through this - and for everyone else finding it tough at Christmas

Tis

I think my favourite one was when I asked her if she hadn’t wanted another child / I’d been a mistake. The response was no I wanted another baby, just not....you.

Once I had my own kids the scales fell from my eyes. I’m not totally NC because siblings etc but I don’t care like I did. Let’s just say she hasn’t featured in my Christmas and I love that!

batteries wow, just wow! Aren't mums great!

But, you know what? Being on here and talking to you and others makes us aware that these types of parents are really common and it's not us!

This thread is heart breaking.

for all of you on here with utterly shit parents.

I’m a mother to two little girls and I can’t imagine talking to them like that, making them feel bad and unloved and having to earn my affections. I just can’t get my head around it.

Jings
Thanks for the explanation. That’s just sick. A parent blaming their child for their “mistake”. Not that a child should ever be labeled as such.

to those, whose parents said dreadful things to them.

Personally my mother never said how she felt about me, never told me she loved me, never showed pride. Called me vile names and let my brother bully me, hurt me, throw me around like a rag doll, be sexually degrading....

There are reasons as to why parents turn out like this. I know my mother’s reasons. It doesn’t make them excusable though. Very sad. So much wasted anger and bitterness when life could be full of joy and love.

I think you need to tear a strip off your parents and insist your lovely sister comes to stay with you next Xmas. Sounds like a severe lack of communication, perhaps someone should have double triple checked with them before so much effort and expense, knowing what they're like.

This has made me so sad

Jings that's exactly the situation with me. I was an "accident" my mum didn't want children at all initially, so while I may be the reason she got trapped by my dad I didn't bloody well make her date him, or sleep with him! That was her choice, and despite my existence occurring when being a single mum was still extremely scandalous my grandparents were very clear in telling her they would totally support her she didn't have to marry my dad. So she had choices. It's the main reason I'm very supportive of friends and mners who choose to be child free. No child should be brought into the world unwanted to parents who don't want to be parents.

I always knew my mother was disappointed that I wasn't a boy. She'd always wanted an older brother, but was an only child (and also the cause of a "shotgun" wedding). My brother was consequently very obviously her favourite, although she did try not to be obvious about it.