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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

No help with DC

91 replies

xXKXx · 25/12/2017 00:59

*Me & DP have one DD 10 weeks old. I'm on maternity leave, he works full time. I get no help with DD at all! Except he will feed her a bottle every now and then, but twist at the same time saying.. 'do you want to get her?.. my arms aching' blah blah blah! He does not do night feeds at all, I don't mind this when he has work in the mornings but he is off for 3 weeks over Christmas, but still hasn't done ANY night feeds! We washes no feeding bottles or sterilises them, except twice when I basically had to bed him. He has never bathed DD the excuses are 'I feel like I'm too rough with her... I'm not doing it I've been to work' blah blah blah. The odd once or twice he has got her dressed in a morning I get 'what should I put on her? Can you put the vest and top over her head coz I don't like doing that... where's this where's that?' If he did it more often he would be more confident and would know where her fking clothes are! He does no house work at all, leaves empty cans of pop on the floor beside the couch or on the kitchen bench. Does not wash any dishes (we have a dishwasher so isn't exactly hard to put dirty dishes inside!) The other week he was going out with his dad on the morning, I asked 2/3 times if he would take DD with him so I could catch up on sleep as I had a rough night with DD. He finally agreed to take her but made out to his family that it was his idea so I could get sleep, trying to make himself look like the good one who's trying to help me out! He also does no night feeds on a weekend when he's off work. He do e not change nappies.. he's does about 10 in the whole 10 weeks she's been here. 1 our of 10 of them nappies has poo in. We had a massive argument when he said 'I'm not doing that it stinks, it's making me feel sick' I was outraged that he was saying he wouldn't change DD. So I point blank refused to change her. After 5/10 mins of shouting at each other he finally changed her and moaned all the way through it. That was weeks and weeks ago never changed a dirty nappy since. Can't remember the last time he changed a nappy at all.

We both made DD, we both agreed to have DD so why should I do everything by myself just because 'I'm tired, I've been to work all day' I'm not being funny but being a Mam is a never ending job! He comes home from work and does* f*k all.. his job is finished for the day. Well my work never ends! Constantly looking after DD, feeding, bathing, nappy changing, clothes changes & putting her to bed, doing night feeds and getting her ready on a morning. He thinks just because he works he can leave everything for me to do.

Am I being unreasonable?? I'm getting me so annoyed! We're suppose to be getting married next year, but what's the point. Will he ever change!? He knows how I feel, whenever I mention it we just have a full blown argument leaving me in tears every time.

I'm currently laid on the couch with a blanket. He's in bed, DD is in her Moses basket at the side of the bed. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight so he has no choice but to do night feeds! I'm just so fed up I feel like a mug. He's dad is exactly the same. He did f**k all for his kids, his wife did everything.. and to be honest still does. She's runs around after him 24/7. But I don't want a life like that. I honestly thought DP was different. The last thing I want to do is split up. I'd hate to think I was breaking up DD's family, I wouldn't want to be a single mam.

I do love him, we do get on very well 90% it's just his attitude he was about helping me out with DD 'I've been to work all day' ugh!

Has anyone been through this with their DP/DH did it work out for you in the end? I need some positivity* Sad
*
What a way to spend Christmas Eve night... sleeping on the couch. Guess it's going to be a great start to Christmas Day* Angry
*
I also don't know why all the writing is in bold. & sorry for such a long thread, I just needed to get it off my chest as it has build up for 10 weeks. Thanks for reading, hope to get some advice soon.*

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 25/12/2017 01:06

I think you should leave her with him far more so he HAS to step up and do the nappies/feeds etc and just tell him what to do until he gets the idea that actually, this is also HIS child for whom he has to care. What a man child!

Sparklesocks · 25/12/2017 01:08

Agree with mael, it’s awful he’s lumbering you with all the work but it seems he needs to be chucked into it head first in order to learn - I think you need to put your foot down and arrange for him to spend more time with her by himself, so you can sleep and he gets over his nappy aversion!

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 25/12/2017 01:10

He isn’t helping you with your child, he needs to step up and look after his Child. I get it’s hard, and he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and feels big and clumsy, but so do we. And it’s only by getting on with it will he get over it. It’s shitty it’s Christmas Eve and you’re on the sofa, but he hasn’t left you much choice. You can’t opt-out and not can he. Stick to your guns. Hope you get some rest. Smile

GreenTulips · 25/12/2017 01:11

except twice when I basically had to bed him

Quicker to change the baby!

it's just his attitude he was about helping me out with DD

He's not helping you out - he should be parenting his child! It's not a favour.

Change your words and attitude and make a stance. Kids are hard work without the parents being at logger heads

xXKXx · 25/12/2017 01:17

Thanks ladies, I'm just really fed up. I also forgot to mention that he does, no hoovering, dusting or tidying up or anything in the house. He does no laundry, except his own work clothes when I refuse to do it. He has never once washed any of my clothes. We have been together 6 years. He brings mud & stones through the front door. And this mug (me) hoovers it up every time. He is a outdoors type of guy always busy in the garden making that look nice. Well I couldn't give a toss about the garden we need a nice clean home for our daughter.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 25/12/2017 01:22

When we first had a baby DH was very much like this (including 'I'm great' act to family etc)

We had many arguments! I regularly went on strike! My job was 24/7 no breaks no lunch no nice bus ride home - plus he had work social life etc

Ask him how he'd cope as a weekend dad? And see what his reaction is? It's like they still think they're single and free

Onlyoldontheoutside · 25/12/2017 01:25

I always find it amazing that they use the 'I don't know how to do it' line.I wasn't born with an instruction book either but just by having 2 X chromosomes we should know how to do things.
As for getting married,you need to talk,after Christmas.If you are going to be a SAHM or have no joint assets you need to be married.If joint assets and a decent job to o back to then you have more choices.
Unless you have a good talk the template he has from his family will persist.

TunaSushi · 25/12/2017 01:26

He sounds lazy, enjoy your sleep tonight.

xXKXx · 25/12/2017 01:27

GreenTulips

He will act all cool about it saying he'd cope very well etc. All he would do is go to his parents house and sit there so his Mam would help out/ so he's not alone.

How did it work out for you? Does your partner/husband help you more now? If so what made him change?

OP posts:
xXKXx · 25/12/2017 01:32

*Onlyoldontheoutside
*
I tell him many of times when DD was first born I had no clue what to do! I didn't know how softly to touch her.. after a few days I was excellent at it. It takes practice but he isn't interested in learning at all. He was meant I be watching me bath DD weeks ago so he could learn.. every time I look at him to make sure he was taking notice he would be sat watching tv. He said he would bath DD in her next bath night. Her bath might came round his excuse was 'I didn't say that.. I've been to work' pisses me right off. He wouldn't have a clue how to bath her, he takes no notice of what I do! He doesn't realise how much I do for him, DD and the house. It would slap him right in the face if I was to walk out. But I would take DD anyway. He is on the birth certificate m, & we also have a mortgage together. He is the breadwinner. I would be worse off if I was to leave him.

OP posts:
TunaSushi · 25/12/2017 01:32

I had a lecture from a lazy man in the house telling me how great his Mum was, I wasn't performing woman good enough for him apparently. He can stay away, who needs an extra man child?

GreenTulips · 25/12/2017 01:34

Yes he's turned out fine!

He does most of the washing, cleans the bathrooms weekly, takes or collects the kids, has done the Christmas food shop this week, picked up some gifts (not all but contributed to the others) sorted his family gifts etc

Helped that I backed off and made him responsible - I suppose it started with lists, then when he'd mastered the bathroom once a week as his job I added a few more.

It's really difficult the first few weeks because you can't even think straight your so tired and little babies are so unpredictable.
Keep going and see how you are when baby sleeps through and then discuss job.
One job he had to begin with was the bottle cleaning and made sure there was milk/tea in the Josue before he left for work ... little steps

xXKXx · 25/12/2017 01:36

TunaSushi

He's definitely a man child, he leaves dirty laundry all down the side of the bed. He's too lazy to put it in the washing basket. I feel like I need to be the one to tidy all of his mess. I can't settle when I know there's mess in the house. I've went on strike over this before and the house just gets messier and messier and the days go on and I can't stand it! The longer I leave it to get more and more messy. It just me who has all of the mess to tidy, so is it really worth going on strike Angry

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 25/12/2017 01:36

If he did nothing in the house before you had your baby, what made you think he would do it after?

xXKXx · 25/12/2017 01:39

*Green tulips
*
Making lists is a very good idea, however DP always comes up with excuses. Such as he didn't have time to do that, he forgot to do that. DD was crying so he didn't get chance to do that. His dad is exactly the same so can DP really change? Sad

OP posts:
TunaSushi · 25/12/2017 01:39

I moved him to the window side of the bed, left his mess there for him to trip over.

xXKXx · 25/12/2017 01:39

*Silvery surfer
*
I thought he would grow up and take responsibility for things. Boy was I wrong!

OP posts:
xXKXx · 25/12/2017 01:42

*TunaSushi
*
He is at the window side, the clothes pile up. Makes no difference to him. All of the clothes on the floor 9 times out of 10 have only been worn once but he throws them on the floor so they get all creased. If I badger on at him long enough he scoops them all up and dumps them in the washing basket. Unnecessary laundry because of his laziness

OP posts:
xXKXx · 25/12/2017 01:43

I hate the house being a mess, it's not nice for when the visitors come. They will get a bad impression. They will get the impression that I'm lazy too, when actually if the house is ever a mess it's because I'm on strike

OP posts:
TunaSushi · 25/12/2017 01:44

Just leave his clothes there don't wash them. Have separate laundry baskets.

TunaSushi · 25/12/2017 01:45

Bag his things up when you have visitors and put them next to the window on his side of the bed.

xXKXx · 25/12/2017 01:48

I will try TunaSushi thanks for your advice. Whenever we argue about him not helping me, it always turns it round on me and makes out that everything is my fault. Annoys me so much, if the house if messy because I'm on strike it ends up being my fault it's messy. He doesn't even make the god damn bed on a morning. The room he gets ready for work in is covered in dirty work clothes all over the floor. He's a bricklayer so his clothes are ready dirty, dried on cement and everything.. mud the lot. He's just so bone idol.. but in his head he's not lazy coz he goes to work and does work in our garden AngryAngryAngry

OP posts:
Fffion · 25/12/2017 01:50

He’s working, you aren’t. Of course you should do the lion’s share.

TunaSushi · 25/12/2017 01:51

Secret stash of clean cutlery and crockery, leave his dirty dishes in a bowl in sink. Take bowl out wash secret stash so you can drink and eat.

Alternatively LTB.

xXKXx · 25/12/2017 01:53

Fffion

Just because he goes to work Monday - Friday he should have no other responsibilities.? He's a grown man 27 years old shouldn't he take responsibility. What happens when I go back to work? I go to work, care for DD and does all house work.. everything??

OP posts:
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