No help with DC

[xXKXx]

*Me & DP have one DD 10 weeks old. I'm on maternity leave, he works full time. I get no help with DD at all! Except he will feed her a bottle every now and then, but twist at the same time saying.. 'do you want to get her?.. my arms aching' blah blah blah! He does not do night feeds at all, I don't mind this when he has work in the mornings but he is off for 3 weeks over Christmas, but still hasn't done ANY night feeds! We washes no feeding bottles or sterilises them, except twice when I basically had to bed him. He has never bathed DD the excuses are 'I feel like I'm too rough with her... I'm not doing it I've been to work' blah blah blah. The odd once or twice he has got her dressed in a morning I get 'what should I put on her? Can you put the vest and top over her head coz I don't like doing that... where's this where's that?' If he did it more often he would be more confident and would know where her fking clothes are! He does no house work at all, leaves empty cans of pop on the floor beside the couch or on the kitchen bench. Does not wash any dishes (we have a dishwasher so isn't exactly hard to put dirty dishes inside!) The other week he was going out with his dad on the morning, I asked 2/3 times if he would take DD with him so I could catch up on sleep as I had a rough night with DD. He finally agreed to take her but made out to his family that it was his idea so I could get sleep, trying to make himself look like the good one who's trying to help me out! He also does no night feeds on a weekend when he's off work. He do e not change nappies.. he's does about 10 in the whole 10 weeks she's been here. 1 our of 10 of them nappies has poo in. We had a massive argument when he said 'I'm not doing that it stinks, it's making me feel sick' I was outraged that he was saying he wouldn't change DD. So I point blank refused to change her. After 5/10 mins of shouting at each other he finally changed her and moaned all the way through it. That was weeks and weeks ago never changed a dirty nappy since. Can't remember the last time he changed a nappy at all.

We both made DD, we both agreed to have DD so why should I do everything by myself just because 'I'm tired, I've been to work all day' I'm not being funny but being a Mam is a never ending job! He comes home from work and does* f*k all.. his job is finished for the day. Well my work never ends! Constantly looking after DD, feeding, bathing, nappy changing, clothes changes & putting her to bed, doing night feeds and getting her ready on a morning. He thinks just because he works he can leave everything for me to do.

Am I being unreasonable?? I'm getting me so annoyed! We're suppose to be getting married next year, but what's the point. Will he ever change!? He knows how I feel, whenever I mention it we just have a full blown argument leaving me in tears every time.

I'm currently laid on the couch with a blanket. He's in bed, DD is in her Moses basket at the side of the bed. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight so he has no choice but to do night feeds! I'm just so fed up I feel like a mug. He's dad is exactly the same. He did f**k all for his kids, his wife did everything.. and to be honest still does. She's runs around after him 24/7. But I don't want a life like that. I honestly thought DP was different. The last thing I want to do is split up. I'd hate to think I was breaking up DD's family, I wouldn't want to be a single mam.

I do love him, we do get on very well 90% it's just his attitude he was about helping me out with DD 'I've been to work all day' ugh!

Has anyone been through this with their DP/DH did it work out for you in the end? I need some positivity*
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What a way to spend Christmas Eve night... sleeping on the couch. Guess it's going to be a great start to Christmas Day*
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I also don't know why all the writing is in bold. & sorry for such a long thread, I just needed to get it off my chest as it has build up for 10 weeks. Thanks for reading, hope to get some advice soon.*

Men who work are capable of washing up and tidying, OP is working by recovering from childbirth.

But you are not back at work. When that happens, you divide up chores differently.

When me and my brother were babies as soon as my working dad got home from his shift he would take over the childcare to give my mam a break. He's the best father ever. I know my DP loves our DD but he thinks it's all play & no work. He's willing to get her to smile and talk/be silly with her but he will not do any of the actual care for her

Oh gosh, your mindset that he's 'helping' is probably contributing to this continuing! He's not helping you out, he's parenting his own child. Saying he's not helping you implies that it's your job by default and it isn't! It's 50% your job! Can you ever imagine him referring to you 'helping him' by changing a nappy!? It's like when people say to fathers 'on babysitting duty this weekend eh?' when it's THEIR CHILD: you can't babysit your own child ffs

Lemon shark

I do have the 'helping' mindset because if he ever does anything, he does it because I've asked. He has no initiative to do things by himself for example if he saw a sink full of dirty bottles and no clean bottles to use. He would not wash them up unless I asked him to. He is also prone to' yeah I'll do it in a little while' never happened. Best off just getting on with it and do it myself. It's sometimes a lot easier than waiting around for him to do it

The only positivity I can give you is to try and get you to understand that the choice is yours as to how your life goes from here on in.

You have been trying to change his selfish behaviour for 6 years and it hasnt worked. It isnt going to work. He isnt going to change.

The way you are posting is as if you are hoping that someone will give you a magic formula of words to say or actions to take as to how to go about changing him into a caring responsible father and partner. Normal caring men do not need to be told to look after their child and help their partner who is recovering from giving birth. Even if he was ignorant of such things, you have told him and he has been verbally abusive to you in return. Is this the life you want for you and your child? Leaving will be hard, it always is, but many have done it and survived and come out stronger.
You say you are worried about being a single mum but you already are.

You can choose to live like this or you can choose to change your life for the better.

Im sorry you are having such a sad christmas. Make it a turning point in your life about how you allow yourself to be treated.

Straycatblue

I'm only 22 have my whole life ahead of me. If i leave I have no where to go. There's no room at my Mam and dads house. My parents have put over £4000 towards our wedding money that we can't get back. I'd feel awful if that money gets wasted but why get married as I will be unhappy just the same. I wouldn't be able to manage on my own, money wise. I'd have no car as he is the owner of the car. We have a mortgage, I don't know what would happen to the house if we were to split. We have a joint bank account also

Fantastic post Straycatblue. Says it all beautifully

OP clearly he has a helping mindset but that doesn't mean you have to or should buy into it too!

So there's your answer I guess OP, you're stuck with him. No chance of leaving. Financially impossible.

What do you think the best way forward is in this case, given the advice you've read so far and your own thoughts and feelings before posting? I'm sorry things are so shite right now.

I would have a meltdown and just trot out the house with him holding baby for an hour. With this amount of laziness you could literally hide round the corner for an hour for him to never want that to happen again and start upping on something. Might not turn him around to be dad of the year but it will probably scare the shit out of him. Nb don’t tell him when you’re planning to return and hand baby over at optimum screaming time.
Baby’s are tough. Make sure you are not just clinging to baby and not not helping the situation by not forcing him to be with the baby. (Like I did ) also I highly suggest this occurs on a weekend night too. Maybe just before he’s going out...

I'm only 22 have my whole life ahead of me. If i leave I have no where to go. There's no room at my Mam and dads house. My parents have put over £4000 towards our wedding money that we can't get back. I'd feel awful if that money gets wasted but why get married as I will be unhappy just the same. I wouldn't be able to manage on my own, money wise. I'd have no car as he is the owner of the car. We have a mortgage, I don't know what would happen to the house if we were to split. We have a joint bank account also

Then stay and accept that this is how your life is going to be.

Please know that I do not say that unkindly, Im trying to get you to see the truth of what your future is going to be with this man.

When you are caught in the fog and bewilderment of realising that your relationship is not the way it should be, you put up barriers to why you cannot change things, ie the person who is overweight says they cannot go to the gym because of xyz, the person who needs to change jobs says they cannot because of xyz and for you, the person who wants to change the life she has ended up with you put up the barriers you have mentioned above.

Nothing you have mentioned is insurmountable, many woman with less options than you have, have gone through it and come through the other end losing friends, family and finances along the way but they are empowered with the choices they have made. You are stronger than you think.

Ask yourself why you are so upset with this now? Its been happening for 6 years, could it be that theres a part of you that has been reawakened by the birth of your daughter that wants more for you and for her than the life you are living?

The choice is yours. Ill repeat what I said earlier because I hope it will help, make tonight the turning point, the point where you realised that you don't have to put up with his behaviour, you dont have to allow yourself and your daughter to be treated badly, and most importantly, there is a hope for a better future.

Actually just seen you’re 22. Fuck that, get out. You’re so young you’ll be ok. Does not feel that way now but I’m 10 years older than you and 100% so easy to see you’ll be better off in the long run.
Obviously don’t just walk out but ask for help. Tell friends and family. Reject anyone that’s of no use and keep the people willing to help you. Don’t pretend everything is ok. If you want more children after all it’s not going to be with him!
Oh and at least see a divorce solicitor. You can see them for free for half hour normally if you seek this out. 100 times easier to get more in a divorce when the baby still completely dependent on you.
Still dump him with baby though.

And ask yourself, if your child said they were desperately unhappy would you care about the £4K for the wedding. I know I wouldn’t care.

I couldn't do this; my resentment would be off the planet and I wouldn't know what to do with the anger, so personally I'd leave. Way, way better to do so at this point than wait until your baby gets used to you living as a couple, then gets a shock five or ten years down the line when he's driven you to complete despair. And much better call time on the relationship now than spend x number of years of your life feeling downtrodden and desperate, having no life at all apart from childcare and housework. People don't generally change much.

I know you don't want to split up though, so I think you're going to have to go full on with making him do his part. Nag him, remind him, teach him, insist, don't give in until it sticks. Make a list of all the jobs you do and how long they take, another one of your leisure\rest time and a third of time spent with the baby. Do the same for your partner. Compare them and work out together how you can balance out so you're both contributing the same (it doesn't have to be identical on each side, but equal in terms of work vs rest). Identify the sort of excuses he makes and point them out every single time.

At the same time, make sure you both express your love and appreciation for each other, praise and thank each other even if you don't feel it at that moment. It doesn't sound like making this change will be fun and you don't want to lose your relationship in the meantime.

I would probably put a deadline down and say if things aren't 50-50 by a certain date, you're off.

Regarding how you would cope on your own - don't just worry about it and fret that you won't manage; research finances, work, childcare, housing etc and see how you could make it work. Hopefully you'll never need this info, but if it comes to it at least you'll know what to do and won't be stuck there being treated like a skivvy.

I am in same situation, OP. H refused to change nappies, sterilise, night feed. And also used exactly the same excuses. He does change DD now (badly so I have to check she is clean) and has her for max 3 hrs. He also plays disney dad.
Just tonight he posted a boasting photo of her xmas presents on facebook. The presents I planned, wrapped, transported and arranged by the tree.

I hate him. You will grow to resent and hate yours too. You are so young. I am trying to save enough to leave. As a SAHM it will take years but I am not giving up. He refuses to allow me to work. Also, daren't leave DD with him for longer than a few hours as he won't (not can't) meet her basic needs.

You will find amazing support here, you're not alone. Hope you get a sleep, but make sure to keep an ear out for crying. He may ignore her waking for a feed. Speaking from bitter experience.

If he gives you the line about “working all day” then ask him if he thinks it’s a holiday to look after the baby, and if so then he won’t mind doing it all weekend, every weekend.
If it were me, I would ignore all his laundry, food, any other needs etc. and just focus on you and the baby.
Try and get support from other sources (friends, family). Don’t worry about keeping up appearances for visitors, be honest with them that it’s his mess.
You could try reading “How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids”, I found it useful.
You are young and it sounds like your partner is older. Don’t be a mug. If he already has kids he knows exactly what it involves and what he is supposed to be doing and he’s choosing to make you do it. As he most likely did to his ex before you. Good luck.
Ffffion, you may be in a time warp, but most people since the 70s reckon that if she is looking after the baby when he is at work, when he is not at work he should be co-parenting. It’s a child’s right to have a father.

Sorry, I confused what you said about your FIL with your DH.

Go away for the weekend for a break, don’t have to get his permission he is not your keeper. Tell him you are not marrying him unless he does more around the home.

If he doesn’t step up, leave him.

Tell your parents everything, the more people in RL who know you are putting up with this makes it easier to overcome.

I think you have to spell it out exactly what you want help with, dont just say I need more help. Say you need to do XY and Z and when etc.
I'd also say if he doesnt then I will be leaving in the new year. Your parents will not see you on the streets.I'd be going to the CAB and asking them about how much you will get on benefits etc if you make the move. Also look into saving a deposit for a private rental.
For Gods sake dont marry him, he wont do a thing if he thinks you are trapped.
You shouldnt have to do everything while he does sweet FA, hes a child.

I agree with ffion. Him doing night feeds isn't a good idea when he's working a physical full time job.

Does baby sleep during day? If so nap when you can at same time.

This is a hard and exhausting time with baby but hang in there it does get better. As she'll start to get into routine and hopefully need less and less night feeds etc.

Mine was like this. I was 21 he was 24 when DS1 was born. He did the minimal. He wouldn't bath him as he was scared he found him so tiny ( he was) and he nearly didn't make it when he was born. He was a very demanding baby and very unsettled and often I'll the first two years. I was exhausted. He worked in a hotel so he was rarely there at night. Came in after midnight while I had been walking the floor with a colicky baby. He got better and looked after baby 4 pretty well.
It is bloody hard. It is annoying. It makes you angry.
I would say forget about it today don't look back and remember baby's first Christmas was awful. Arrange for someone to look after her take him out one evening. Have dinner and talk to him. See what the reaction is. He is less likely to accuse you if you are out. If he isn't keen then tell him the options it might wake him up.
Sometimes you have to trade off...a good provider for not much help. He is being like his father because it is learned behaviour. Can you mix with friends with hands on dads? Show him a different way. Over the years I often wish I had left. I stuck it out and my kids are lovely. He was better with them as they grew. Some men are just not good ( lazy) with babies. The choice is yours but I would say leave it today bite your tongue and enjoy your day. Don't have the first Christmas Day full of resentment.

Is it too late to get wedding insurance to get peace of mind just in case? That way, if you can’t work things out, you could possibly get the money back for your parents

Agree with Bowerbird. Don't make a baby's first Christmas a bad memory. Leave it a couple of days, and have a proper talk, and give him some ultimatum.
Assume you both are very young. He needs to grow up and take responsibility.
You definitely need sorting him out/educating him before marrying him, otherwise you will have horrible married life that you regret after years, and not fair on your children.

Wedding insurance doesn’t cover the bride or groom changing their mind.

Assume you both are very young

He is 27!

OP don’t marry this guy, seriously.