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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for advice on how to spend less time with my husband?

90 replies

Sanshin · 24/12/2017 23:05

He's a moody miserable bastard and this is amplified by the fact that we spend too much time together. Every evening I'm sat waiting for him to finish fannying around on the computer so we can watch TV (if I put something on without him he turns it over when he comes in so there's no point). Every Friday I'm sat around the house waiting for him to come home from work at lunch time - after which we doss around the house bored and getting under each other's feet. Every weekend is spent sat around the house again, under each others feet.

I'm unsociable so only have one or two friends that are busy with their own families. I feel like I'm having to rely on him for social interaction and for doing stuff. I want that to end. I want my own life seperate from him.

So how do I start? I have an unlimited gym membership do can spend an hour or so there every day but what else can I do?? I need to be out of this house and I need time away from DH. As much as possible the way I'm feeling right now.

OP posts:
Splinterz · 25/12/2017 08:13

Voluntary work?
Get a job?

juneau · 25/12/2017 08:17

I would make 2018 the year you leave this sad sack OP.

Getting out of the house is all very well, but you'll still have to come home eventually to his dull, miserable sniping. I'd go and see a solicitor once they're open in Jan. This marriage is done. Accept that and start making plans to leave.

kentparent · 25/12/2017 08:25

He sounds unhappy, you sound unhappy, I'd start by getting on with my own life and then reassess the relationship. I'd set a time limit and if I still felt how you do now and his behaviour was the same I would take legal advice on divorce. Stay strong and have a plan.

Anniegetyourgun · 25/12/2017 08:34

You're only 36 ffs. Another 40, 50 years like this? Why do it to yourself?

BuzzKillington · 25/12/2017 08:39

Sounds like hell.

What is the point of carrying on like this?

chocolateiamydrug · 25/12/2017 08:41

He sounds unhappy, you sound unhappy, I'd start by getting on with my own life and then reassess the relationship.

^ this.
Start doing things on your own. Don't wait around even for trivial things. Why would you wait for him to go to sleep at the same time? Just go when you are tired. Start doing other stuff out if the house on your own. Just because you do things 'together' you don't have company in doing them. You probably will feel much less lonely doing stuff without him.

Cambionome · 25/12/2017 09:02

This sounds awful, op, but you do sound incredibly passive. Stop waiting around for him to make your life better (he's not going to) and start getting out there and doing stuff. I second MeetUp - there's loads of interesting stuff happening in most areas.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 25/12/2017 09:37

Stop waiting for him.

Keep hold of the remote and if he tries to change the channel of what you are watching tell him not to.

If you want to go for coffee - or whatever - then don't wait for him, just go.

But most of all I would see a solicitor in the new year and file for divorce. You're only 36 - do you really want to spend another 40-odd years like this?

Hauntedlobster · 25/12/2017 20:05

I say this nicely - because splitting up would be HARD - I’m single and although I’d like a boyfriend or husband, I really like my life. I have a good group of friends, I have done college night classes for fun (pick something you’d never do, it’s so much fun!) and I have my own hobbies I can do at home. Yes, sometimes I’m lonely but if I want to do something I find a friend who wants to go or I go out and do it myself.

Can you try adopting this attitude before making any big decisions?

Tistheseason17 · 25/12/2017 20:16

What attracted you to him in the first place? He's still in there.
Do the things you did when you first met.
If he balks then be direct and ask if he is happy and what he wants to happen
Can't imagine either of you is enjoying this...

Liara · 25/12/2017 20:23

It sounds like you need to fill up your day with fun things and if he tags on, then OK, if he doesn't then you can enjoy them by yourself.

Never ask him and never wait for him, golden rules.

If you are near a large city, I would fill up my evenings and weekends with museums, art galleries, shows, lectures, or whatever you enjoy.

Who knows he might come out of his stupor and start doing things himself. And if he doesn't, well, at least you'll find it easier when you leave him than if you were going to be hanging around the house doing nothing.

gobbin · 25/12/2017 23:06

You’re only on this earth once. Don’t waste any more time with him. Make LTB your New Year’s Resolution.

There will be sadness and upheaval and costs. But ultimately, you will be free. New hobbies, new people to meet, own TV.

HuskyMcClusky · 25/12/2017 23:15

How old are your kids??

AnyFucker · 25/12/2017 23:20

You don't even like each other

What a monumental waste of a life

BrownTurkey · 25/12/2017 23:36

I would start online dating.

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