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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for advice on how to spend less time with my husband?

90 replies

Sanshin · 24/12/2017 23:05

He's a moody miserable bastard and this is amplified by the fact that we spend too much time together. Every evening I'm sat waiting for him to finish fannying around on the computer so we can watch TV (if I put something on without him he turns it over when he comes in so there's no point). Every Friday I'm sat around the house waiting for him to come home from work at lunch time - after which we doss around the house bored and getting under each other's feet. Every weekend is spent sat around the house again, under each others feet.

I'm unsociable so only have one or two friends that are busy with their own families. I feel like I'm having to rely on him for social interaction and for doing stuff. I want that to end. I want my own life seperate from him.

So how do I start? I have an unlimited gym membership do can spend an hour or so there every day but what else can I do?? I need to be out of this house and I need time away from DH. As much as possible the way I'm feeling right now.

OP posts:
Rumpledfaceskin · 25/12/2017 00:41

So clearly he won’t change then. Would he go to counselling? If you’re that unhappy I can’t really see much of a way out OP.

BackInTheRoom · 25/12/2017 00:42

The ship is sinking OP. Who's going to jump first? 🤔

AFistfulOfDolores · 25/12/2017 00:45

That's not a marriage. That's purgatory.

The upside is that, unlike purgatory, you can leave.

ALLIS0N · 25/12/2017 00:45

How was your husband on your recent holiday to Vietnam ? And you were also in Thailand a few years ago iIRC. These sounds like quite adventurous holidays .

LiveLifeWithPassion · 25/12/2017 00:47

Just start doing things yourself. Why do you say ‘shall we go to bed?’
It would never occur to me to say that to dh. I might say that I’m going to bed and if he wants to, he does, if not he doesn’t. I’m happy to do my own thing.
You’re a person in your own right. You get to choose, to a certain extent, what you do with your life. Start doing stuff without him. Maybe it’ll encourage him to join you or maybe it’ll make you realise that you don’t need to be hanging around, wasting your life away waiting for him to allow you to enjoy yourself.
Why are you so dependent on him?
Be proactive. What decisions are you going to make right now to start improving things? What do you need to help you make those decisions?
Where can you go next week so you don’t have to hang around all day with him being bored?
Start now.

zsazsajuju · 25/12/2017 00:50

Poor sanshin, he sounds awful. I had an ex like that. I’m happier without him although there are times I do miss him. But mostly I am glad I left. It sounds like you are not getting much out of the relationship, really anything. I think you should leave.

FoxyRoxyAroundTheChristmasTree · 25/12/2017 00:59

I'd stop pricing up Vegas and start pricing a solicitor instead, from this and previous threads he sounds awful

roomsonfire · 25/12/2017 01:13

random Q op. He's wandering off to his computer most of the time, not really into you.

Is he watching porn?

I dont care what side of the fence you sit on with regards to porn for or against makes no difference but it can have huge impacts on relationships esp when it becomes habitual and even addictive. Men often become depressed and have no desire for sex etc. Theres lot of info on it out there.

If it is porn then its not going to get any better unless he changes himself and by the sounds of it that's unlikely.

As to hobbies, any kids? if not go try fri-sat you could try volunteering somewhere. eg given you already have a dog you could volunteer as a dog walker for an elderly person (we have a scheme for this here) Also try your local library/library website. They often run groups such as craft groups, monthly book clubs and you can find info about other things going on locally. Failing that see if your area has a Facebook events page. My area has one and the folks who run it share all the local events, activities etc.

Try a walking group. Where I am theres a small council funded group who hold walks around the local area. Could that be an option where you are too?

SabineUndine · 25/12/2017 01:15

Library once a week. And start planning for leaving. Flowers

GreenTulips · 25/12/2017 01:19

He won't change

This is it!

lottiegarbanzo · 25/12/2017 01:20

It's not his age. I'm nearly his age and I am (my life is) ten times more interesting than you and yours, never mind him.

Only boring people get bored. Do you really have no interests; no books you want to read, films you want to watch, hills you want to walk up, things you want to make, to learn, to know etc?

If you do, and I bet you do, if you look inside yourself and at your past self, just get on with it! Stop waiting... for nothing.

Look up the ramblers and find a walking group near you. A great way to get out, do something, chat to people (and be out of the house all day).

Isetan · 25/12/2017 02:35

Everyone has a role to play in a relationship dynamic and for whatever reason you’ve chosen to be a puppy, constantly waiting for the attention of their master, despite knowing he isn’t interested in giving it. You've chosen to make his behaviour the focus, which lets you off the complicit hook and lets you be the victim. You have choices and if you really want this situation to change, you need to stop waiting for the person who benefits from the status quo, to change it.

Short term, you need to get your arse into gear instead of making more excuses or creating work arounds to perpetrate this half life you’ve accepted.

Mylady · 25/12/2017 07:16

You have a dog, kids and what sounds like a reasonable income - your problem your board even he is a moody fucker. Walk thedog, get the kids involved in a sport, walk the dog and the kids. Get a hobby - find a cause. Whatever !

Jixy8731 · 25/12/2017 07:29

OP I’m currently divorcing a similar man and life is much better now I’m away from the joy-sucking miserableness....

Calaisienne · 25/12/2017 07:36

If I didn’t know he was still single I would swear you were married to my ex, and what you describe is exactly why he is an ex.
I put more effort into work ( and got promoted), did an OU degree ( and got a 2:1) and divorced him. We are much better friends now than we were when we were married.
DS1’s biggest fear is turning into his Father.

LizzieSiddal · 25/12/2017 07:39

It’s nothing to do with his age, we’re early 50s and do lots of things together, because we ENJOY spending time together.

Your H sounds a dick.

Spend your time sorting out how to leave him. That should be your new project for 2018. Flowers

WasDoingFine · 25/12/2017 07:39

OP - you say you're unsociable but then are relying on DH for your interaction and are bored. You can't have it both ways.

If you're bored then you need to do something about it - but that means getting out and being sociable.

RainbowQuilter · 25/12/2017 07:47
  • Going to the library
  • Going to a cafe for a cup of tea and cake and reading a book or writing a letter to a friend
  • Volunteering somewhere. This kept me sane, just having a regularly scheduled time to go and get out the house and be around other people doing something different, I met my best friend that way 8 years ago.
  • Are there any adult education classes you are interested in? often run by the local council and they might have ones starting in January.
  • any activities or hobbies or crafts you have always wanted to try, now is a great time to give them a go, either on your own, or to find a local group/class.
Joey7t8 · 25/12/2017 07:49

Sounds like you despise each other. You only have one life, why on earth are you living it miserably? Split up and start yourself a new one.

marywasneeavirgin · 25/12/2017 07:54

It sounds like he's as unhappy as you are. Maybe schedule a chat and try to plan the future either together or apart. You can't live like that. I hope,you have a reasonable Christmas.

AuntieStella · 25/12/2017 07:56

I think it means getting out, but it doesn't have to mean terribly sociable. And the more your life improves away from him, the more likely you will be to do something about your marriage.

Start running - you can build up to longer times, and you can take the dog. You can be as solitary or as group minded as you like.

Volunteer - can you find something you could do on Friday afternoons?

Book a retreat for yourself in the run up to Christmas. Or a walking holiday (somewhere not too remote, just 2-3 days, you and the dog - if you can find dog friendly B&Bs)

As a matter of some urgency, find something to do on NYE. Any events near you?

gamerchick · 25/12/2017 07:58

Sounds like he’s just waiting for you to end the relationship. Maybe it’s time OP.

Groovee · 25/12/2017 08:00

Sounds like you need to think about what YOU want.

FinallyHere · 25/12/2017 08:00

the only one making ANY effort to maintain this marriage.

I suppose my question would be why you were making any effort at all, given how little you are getting back. I would encourage you to just stop waiting for him under any circumstances. By all means tell him your plans, tell him what time you are going out, for example, give a say ten minute warning then just go at the time you planned.

Either you will start building up your own interests and will be more ready for a life on your own, or... he might join you. The important thing is that you would not be wasting your life, waiting for someone who doesn't give any sign that he cares about you, or even respects you.

PoorYorick · 25/12/2017 08:11

From the OP I thought you were both in your 90s.

I think you need to know what he's so obsessed with on the computer.