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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for advice on how to spend less time with my husband?

90 replies

Sanshin · 24/12/2017 23:05

He's a moody miserable bastard and this is amplified by the fact that we spend too much time together. Every evening I'm sat waiting for him to finish fannying around on the computer so we can watch TV (if I put something on without him he turns it over when he comes in so there's no point). Every Friday I'm sat around the house waiting for him to come home from work at lunch time - after which we doss around the house bored and getting under each other's feet. Every weekend is spent sat around the house again, under each others feet.

I'm unsociable so only have one or two friends that are busy with their own families. I feel like I'm having to rely on him for social interaction and for doing stuff. I want that to end. I want my own life seperate from him.

So how do I start? I have an unlimited gym membership do can spend an hour or so there every day but what else can I do?? I need to be out of this house and I need time away from DH. As much as possible the way I'm feeling right now.

OP posts:
LiveLifeWithPassion · 24/12/2017 23:46

What’s he like if you’ve got an event ‘booked in’ the calendar? Is he someone who needs to book things in advance or does he make excuses even then?

annandale · 24/12/2017 23:48

Book club
Volunteering
Stand as a local councillor
Creative course
Learn a language with a view to a holiday or even moving countries
Take up a team sport, or a solitary sport like running
Have a baby (joke)

Original poster
Sanshin · 24/12/2017 23:49

Booking things in advance works better but even then he'll look for excuses nearer the time.

An example was Christmas shopping yesterday - I waited for him all morning as we'd planned to get the last bits of shopping in and go for a costa coffee. I was looking forward to it.

He gets in, cup of tea after cup of tea until eventually he says we shouldn't go as it will be too busy.

OP posts:
Beltane18 · 24/12/2017 23:51

What's he like with the DC?

Nanny0gg · 24/12/2017 23:54

Take the dog to classes/agility
Get another hobby
Volunteer
Join the WI
Join a book club
Evening class

Maelstrop · 24/12/2017 23:56

What are you getting out of this relationship? Seriously, OP, LTB, your life sounds so boring! Tell him you’re going out, don’t wait for him or cave to his shit excuses, take yourself and the dc for a fabulous dog walk somewhere amazing every day you’re free. Take up a new hobby. Leave him, he’s trying to make you do nothing outside of the house and is being controlling.

DeepanKrispanEven · 24/12/2017 23:56

How does he change the TV channel? Can't you hide the remote till your programme's finished?

Viviennemary · 25/12/2017 00:01

I thought you were a lot older. In your 50's. Have you got DC's at home that need to be cared for. If not I don't think I'd hang around with him very much longer. There's a whole world out there and you should be enjoying life a lot more and not stuck with this misery.

Justaboy · 25/12/2017 00:01

36 eh?.

Do you really want the rest of your days to be like they are now?.

Best bet is a solicitor in the new year fresh start and the hope of finding another man that loves you as this one sure dosen't

LiveLifeWithPassion · 25/12/2017 00:02

My dh would rather potter around the house. He also acts a bit like you mention and backs out of things. I’ve just accepted that’s how he is and I just go do stuff without him. I’ll do stuff with the kids, on my own or with friends. Very rarely with him as well. We ll go on holiday and maybe do one or two day trips with him a year but usually, he’s not interested.
He’s not an arse though and has loads of good points so I’ve learnt to accept thats just how he is. No way would I be putting up with a moody and argumentative man who changed the tv channel when I was watching something and ruining Christmas by being a despicable arse.
Life is too short to live it being miserable.

Original poster
Sanshin · 25/12/2017 00:02

He's 46 so almost in his 50s I suppose. That might be the problem.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/12/2017 00:06

Age isn't the issue. It's him

Get more hobbies
..more gym time...listen to inspirational podcasts using your headphones....and plan your exit... it sounds like a miserable marriage.

YeahRightOk · 25/12/2017 00:09

Ltb.

MirriVan · 25/12/2017 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notthemessiah · 25/12/2017 00:16

You don't sound like a barrel of sunshine either tbh - seems like you'd both be better off apart.

MajesticWhine · 25/12/2017 00:19

Do more hobbies.
Do a new sport or learn a musical instrument. Or take an evening class.
Get a separate tv.
Stop waiting for him.
Tell him it's not working.

Motoko · 25/12/2017 00:20

I thought your username looked familiar. You're the OP who's husband expected you to drive and pick him up, after you'd been drinking, and he'd missed his taxi.

I agree, you should see a solicitor in the new year. This relationship has run its course. Time to start a new life without him.

Littlehenrylee · 25/12/2017 00:21

He sounds like my DH, so bloody reluctant to actually do anything. Mention a walk and he will take out his phone to check the weather app and start muttering about rain coming! Ask if he wants to go into town and he will say its too late (any time after noon is too late apparently), go to a shopping centre and the car park will be too busy. Book an event and he constantly checks the time on his phone so we can 'get there early and leave early'. To go back to the house and sit at his pc!

I much prefer doing things without him and actively choose to do so. For certain things though, it is preferable to have a friend in tow ie a concert etc. There is plenty of other things you can do though. I love ambling around the city, going in and out of shops, going for cake and coffee, having a glass of wine, going to the cinema, shopping, craft markets etc.

You are not alone in marrying this type of boring man.

Original poster
Sanshin · 25/12/2017 00:21

Perfect example just now - it's 00:20 and we're just sat doing nothing so I say to DH "shall we go to bed?" He immediately jumps up and turns tv off etc ... I think for a minute that he's coming to bed with me (that never happens anymore) but no ... he's taking the opportunity to play on the computer. Christmas Eve ffs.

And no I'm not a barrel of laughs right now. Who would be living like this? I'm not perfect by a long shot, Christ I'd find it hard to live with me but I feel like I'm the only one making ANY effort to maintain this marriage.

OP posts:
sausagerollsrock · 25/12/2017 00:27

You've recently been to Vietnam. Surely that's something you've done together?

Rumpledfaceskin · 25/12/2017 00:28

Why are you still married then? There must be Something good about him? My DH is a boring sod but I love him to bits so kinda just put up with it and make him do stuff, which he obliges too. That said we live Apart in the week due to work commitments. Not conventional but it works for us (15 yrs happy and a darling dd!)

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 25/12/2017 00:34

I don't think it's his age. I'm a couple of years older than you and DH is 60. He is not like your DH usually (he's grumpy and boring at the moment, but only because he's recuperating from major surgery). We go out on dates, go for drives, weekends away, he will even get the train to meet me from work to have a night out in London (i work there, we live in the Midlands). We do watch telly and he likes to have the remote control, but he wouldn't be so inconsiderate as to turn over something I was already watching if he came in. It sounds like you're not getting very much out of your relationship.

Notthemessiah · 25/12/2017 00:35

Have you actually told him how you feel and that you're seriously considering leaving him? He does sound like he's taking you for granted, but then he also could be totally oblivious to how that's making you feel or the damage it's doing to your marriage. When kids are involved you owe it to them to try everything before taking the final step to leave (unless abuse is involved of course).

Original poster
Sanshin · 25/12/2017 00:36

Yes we do holidays together and that's it. Feels more like having a good mate than a husband. Even then we end up having at least one big row on holiday every time.

And it's not just that he's boring, it's the atmosphere he creates, the constant sniping, moaning, sarcasm, complaining ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Sanshin · 25/12/2017 00:38

I've told him many times ... his standard response is either:

"Don't be silly"
Or
"Well we should split up then?"

OP posts: