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AIBU?

TO not want to spend my wedding anniversary with my IL's?

89 replies

ComeOVeneer · 23/04/2007 14:19

The plan was that the children stay at Il's on Saturday night so dh and I can go out for dinner and have a lie in the next morning then head over there for lunch on the Sunday and pick kids up. The Sunday being our actual wedding anniversary. Now SIL who still lives at home has decided to invite a friend to stay for the week-end (after our plans were made) this means there is now nowhere for the kids to sleep. MIL has decided to back SIL plans over her son and family, even though it means she won't get to have her grand children. We will get a baby sitter so will still go out on Saturday, just no lie in on Sunday. Anyway we were over their for lunch yesterday at it appears MIL still expects us to drive up for lunch on Sunday. If she isn't having the children I don't really want to go there on my anniversary to have lunch. I wanted to go somewhere with dh and the kids for a nice lunch, just the 4 of us. DH is torn as he doesn't want to upset his mum and says "well we did already say we would come". AIBU to not want to go? SHe pulled out of her plans, so why can't we?

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LilRedWG · 24/04/2007 12:17

Scary SIL & MIL you have there COV!

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Eleusis · 24/04/2007 12:20

Thank God you moved.

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mumto3girls · 24/04/2007 12:46

So are you going to lunch or not?

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sunnysideup · 24/04/2007 12:46

COV, the financial assistance to the sister thing is outrageous. Of course families do sometimes help out financially, but that fact that your MIL is involving you and your dh is just so unbelievable, and expecting you to contribute monthly is just

If this were me I would offer a small lump sum (if I had it!) as a gift to the SIL. Then nobody can say you didn't help.

You and your DH don't need to explain or justify your decision - just do what you want, whether it's offering a small amount as a one off or offering nothing!

What a family!

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ComeOVeneer · 24/04/2007 14:41

If SIL was in a financial bind and we could afford to help out of course we would. But this is a totally different kettle of fish. Just because we are in a good position financially (AND THAT IS DOWN TO BLOODY HARD WORK OVER THE LAST 10 YEARS) - oops - does not mean we are obligated to spend it on other members of the family who have had the potential to do likewise but have been dithering around. She is highly intelligent, has many qualifications under her belt (including a first from Oxford), so if she had sorted herself out she could be doing very well for herself. The trouble is she couldn't decide what she wanted to do so trained to do one thing then another etc, all the while having these courses funded for her. I know it can be hard to choose what to do with your life but eventually you have to act responsibly/maturely (sp) and bite the bullet and make a decision. If FIL had put his foot down many years ago (as he had wanted to) and stopped funding her she would have had to take responsibility for herself, but MIL pandered to her so here we are today...

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mumto3girls · 24/04/2007 18:09

so..are you going there for lunch?

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Lwatkins · 24/04/2007 19:14

Sorry but helping out family is one thing, supporting someone who sounds fairly lazy imo is another situation all together. If SIL can't afford to buy, then she doesn't buy. She gets her arse out the door to work, saves like mad and then see's if she can afford to get on the property market. If you don't have, you don't get as I think someone else has said.

It is not up to you and you husband to support this woman and shame on your MIL for putting this pressure on both of you, that's disgusting. If she wants to help out her daughter then fine, but she should NEVER expect you to help 'because that's what family is for'. What a crck of s*t! I love my family to bits and would always try to help out as much as I could if I thought they were in trouble, but it would be on my terms. My idea of helping out this SIL would be to buy her a couch, or a microwave for her new place. Even these are pretty big items, but better than paying her mortgage for her! Ridiculous!

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PrincessPeaHead · 24/04/2007 19:25

CoV the absolute bottom line is that you have a DH who hasn't learnt how to say no.

That's all he needs to say.

No. We aren't going to lunch, we have made other plans, yes its a pity, never mind, lets reschedule. No further discussion.

No. I am not going to make monthly payments to my sister to enable her to buy a flat. I'm sorry you are disappointed. No further discussion.

Your DH is being a wimp in this. His mother, her outrageous suggestions, he should say no and not put you in the position of being the "nasty" DIL

Tell him to shape up.

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slimmerjim · 24/04/2007 19:36

COV I must confess I'd assumed your sil was perhaps not the brightest bulb in the box, given her inability to sort herself out. But you say she has an Oxford 1st and other qualifications. Frankly I'm baffled, given that level of ability, that she hasn't so far grabbed some kind of financial lifeline for herself. Maybe not her dream career or a mega successful business or whatever, but at least something to keep herself ticking along.

Everyone agrees it's down to your dh to sort this so that the very reasonable double "no" to the lunch/mortgage questions is said firmly, politely, and in a way that brooks absolutely no further discussion whatsoever.

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oranges · 24/04/2007 19:37

COV,we had the same position, with FIL asking us to hand over all our savings to help them redecorate a house that was to be left to SIL.

We in the meantime live in a 2 bed flat and had just had a baby. DH said no, and FIL was cold for about two months and then one day, acted as if everything was totally normal. HE still grumbles occassionally about 'doing everything himself' but we just pretend we don't understand what's going on.

I do think people ask all sorts of things, but if you just say no in the cheeriest, no nonsense way possible, it won't destroy your family.

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UtterPigsty · 24/04/2007 19:39

am stunne dbyt his why dos sil nto cut her cloth acc to etc tec

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Eleusis · 24/04/2007 20:08

Peahead, your post is spot on!

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PrincessPeaHead · 24/04/2007 22:34

I thank you madam

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Tanee58 · 25/04/2007 14:06

Hallo COV, have just caught up on your thread and see that it involves far more than just an anniversary date!

I agree with the other's advice. Yes, families help each other out, but your MIL seems to be asking far more than the norm and it's interesting that it's coming from her and not your SIL. Is she still unaware of this plan?

My parents helped me buy my first flat when I was 30 and then, due to unforseen circs, they offered a small loan to help us buy our present house - but it was THEIR money and THEIR choice. I would do the same for my dd if necessary - and if I could afford it. And having had this help, all further expenses and payments are my responsibility alone. However, I would never have dreamed of asking for anything from my sister, even though she and BIL are better off in bigger house, better area etc. For your MIL to suggest this is outrageous, and particularly to suggest a regular payment, an outright gift rather than a loan.

It seems that she's a very controlling woman, who can't face the fact that she has adult children who should (and in your dh's case do,) stand on their own feet. Your SIL is a graduate of one of the best unis in the country and should be forced to grow up. She obviously has a personality that has fed on her mother's possessiveness. Of course, your MIL will blame you if her ds stands up to her - because he's still her little boy who should be obeying HER whims - not a man with a wife and children and responsibilities of his own. OOh, it makes me want to spit - but I think you will have to risk taking this blame or you will resent him giving in to this power-mad 'lady' - as her own poor husband has already done all their married life, no doubt, for a quiet life! Time your husband told his mother that he's got his own family to look after - and if SIL can't afford to pay her mortgage, she'd better downgrade her property ambitions. Can't she find a one-bed flat as a starter home, just as the rest of us have? (I suppose she needs a 2-bed flat so she'll always have a spare room for Mother .

Have you had your talk with dh yet? And stand firm for your weekend, too. Good luck.

Me, one of the best things about my divorce was knowing I need never see my MIL again! Dp's mother is so much nicer.

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Tanee58 · 25/04/2007 14:08

Sorry about the typos - my spelling and punctuation gave under the indignation I feel on your behalf

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ComeOVeneer · 25/04/2007 14:13

Well DH phoned MIL this morning and said we won't be helping out with the mortage as we need to save for the future, what with possibly having to pay for schooling/uni in the future, and other things involving the future of our 2 children, plus until dh makes partnership there is no gaurentee of job security beyond 3-5 years. Her response is that he is ungrateful and selfish for not helping family out after everything that has been done for him, and she is sure I put him up to it. I have apparently poisened him against his family and she "won't forget this in a hurry". Didn't even get onto the topic of lunch as she hung up. DH phoned me really upset. Then he phoned about half an hour later to say FIL had phoned him to say it is all fine (in his eyes, he apparently told mil not to ask us for money in the first place) - MIL had phoned him after speaking to DH, and he was going to "deal with MIL". It is a shame he is so lovely and she is the opposite .

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Porcupine · 25/04/2007 14:14

we love ya cov

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mumto3girls · 25/04/2007 14:18

Aww Comeonveneer..thats a shame that she took that stance, but sooo well done of your DH.

To be honest she sounds like an awful lady, but perhaps this will make things easier for you in a way if you see less of her as a result.

It sounds like she had issues about you anyway?

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dmo · 25/04/2007 14:20

keep the plans as they are to go over to il on sunday but then phone them (just as she puts the dinner in the oven ) and pull a sickie saying you must have ate something bad sat night and you and dh are feeling off
then bugger off the 4 of you for a lovely family meal without the ils

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RedFraggle · 25/04/2007 14:23

Ah the old chestnut of evil DIL putting fantastic son up to things! Don't you just love how these mothers can't believe their own adult sons could make a decision they disagree with?!
At least it has been said now and you all know where you stand. Sounds like your FIL is a pretty reasonable person and I'm sure it will all blow over soon.
I too am an evil DIL who forces her husband to make statements he totally disagrees with to his Mother - can't say I let it worry me - she's not my mum...

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ComeOVeneer · 25/04/2007 14:25

I couldn't care less what she thinks of me, it is DH I feel sorry for. SHe put him in a horrible position and he now feels rotten for saying No. At least fil is on our side. It wouldn't surprise me if one day I open the door to finf FIL, suitcase in hand wanting to come and live with us . I think he finds it tough living with the MIL
/SIL duo sometimes.

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mumto3girls · 25/04/2007 14:26

Do you think that's a reason why they want SIL to move out?

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PetitFilou1 · 25/04/2007 14:26

Good on your dh for standing up to her. Your anniversary, you do what you want. Your money, you do what you want!

I have two sisters, both of whom I love dearly, one of whom is a financial nightmare. She has had £50,000 off my mother over the last ten years. I love her but I'm b*ggered if I'm supporting her - part of the problem is that she is always bailed out and has never had to deal with the fact that she always gets herself into debt. She now has her own ds and a mortgage and finally, at the age of 33, seems to be sorting herself out. In a life or death situation, yes I would be there to help in a flash but otherwise, well, people have to grow up sometime don't they.......

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ComeOVeneer · 25/04/2007 14:28

mumto3girls, FIL wants her to move out where as MIL totally doesn't. SHe keeps coming up with reasons/obstacles why she shouldn't.

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ComeOVeneer · 25/04/2007 14:30

The other thing she said to dh on the phone ois that if I had anything to do with the decision I had no right as it is "dh's money" seeing as I don't work . I became a SAHM at the end of last year, prior to that I earnt plenty, paid the deposit on our first flat, financed our wedding single handedly and supported dh through law school.

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