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TO not want to spend my wedding anniversary with my IL's?

89 replies

ComeOVeneer · 23/04/2007 14:19

The plan was that the children stay at Il's on Saturday night so dh and I can go out for dinner and have a lie in the next morning then head over there for lunch on the Sunday and pick kids up. The Sunday being our actual wedding anniversary. Now SIL who still lives at home has decided to invite a friend to stay for the week-end (after our plans were made) this means there is now nowhere for the kids to sleep. MIL has decided to back SIL plans over her son and family, even though it means she won't get to have her grand children. We will get a baby sitter so will still go out on Saturday, just no lie in on Sunday. Anyway we were over their for lunch yesterday at it appears MIL still expects us to drive up for lunch on Sunday. If she isn't having the children I don't really want to go there on my anniversary to have lunch. I wanted to go somewhere with dh and the kids for a nice lunch, just the 4 of us. DH is torn as he doesn't want to upset his mum and says "well we did already say we would come". AIBU to not want to go? SHe pulled out of her plans, so why can't we?

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marieg76 · 23/04/2007 14:21

No you're not being unreasonable. You should spend your wedding anniversary as you wish and should not be backed into a corner by someone else changing their plans.

Tommy · 23/04/2007 14:24

agree with marie.

I think, from reading so many of these threads about MILs is that a big part of the problem is husbands not wanting to "upset" their Mummies..... It's the same here - DH won't say anything to rock the boat with his famil;y even if it means that I'm unhappy with the plans - what is about men and their Mums?

mumto3girls · 23/04/2007 14:24

Say 'no sorry, plans your end have changed so plans our end have changed too' then book a nice lunch elsewhere...

bellabelly · 23/04/2007 14:25

How annoying - not at all unreasonable to want to change your plans as a result! Of course the fact that your kids aren't now staying there on Saturday night changes things with regards to the lunch. If your DH feels bad, saying "well we did already say we would come" just respond with a sweet smile and say "well, she did already say the kids could sleep over on Saturday but that ain't happening either, IS IT?!"

Tanee58 · 23/04/2007 14:28

Agree with the others - it's YOUR anniversary and you should spend it as you wish. There are plenty more Sundays to go to MIL's.

littlelemon · 23/04/2007 14:28

No, you're not being unreasonable. I would feel really peed off about them changing the plans. As long as you not going for lunch isn't seen as an act of revenge, rather than that it just doesn't make sense for you to make the journey when you'd rather not.
Not sure if I'm making myself clear!?

Have a lovely family day - just you, you dh and the kids.
How far away are the grandparents btw?

ComeOVeneer · 23/04/2007 14:29

Thanks for your replies. I don't get on with my MIL so that tends to cloud my judgement.

Another issue I have with her at the moment is that SIL is looking to buy a flat and finally move out. SHe is in her early 30's. She can't afford to get a flat on her own income, so MIL has saidthey will help out. Fair enough, it is their daughter, their choice. However they can't afford to give her all that much, so she has asked dh to contribute as he has a high income and according to her he can afford it. Wether that is true or not it is not the point. We have our own mortage, bills, 2 kids to support etc, why the hell should we be paying for his sister's mortage?

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bellabelly · 23/04/2007 14:31

ROFL - now that would certainly cloud MY judgement! That's unbelievable!!!

bellabelly · 23/04/2007 14:32

Can your DH help out with my mortgage too?

ComeOVeneer · 23/04/2007 14:33

That is the problem littlemom, I am sure she will see it as an act of revenge if we cancel going for lunch, and I will be the culprit.

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Holly29 · 23/04/2007 14:35

I think you should book somewhere on your own with DH and kids, definitely.

Mortgage thing is a bit tricky - families are weird things. Talk to DH about what he wants to do, but if he does end up giving her the money, make sure that it's a loan or even better a % stake in the property, so that his share goes up as the flat goes up in value! (and if she ever sells, she has to give it back).

LowFatMilkshake · 23/04/2007 14:39

As others have said tell MIL you have changed your plans following thier change and you are now going to a local restaurant and will be enjoying a nice walk through the park with DC's on the way there and back. Tell her it is already booked!

As for SIL mort...... No bl**dy way!

What is it about womens IL's - we have it so much worse than men!

Our mums do so much more for them and try to be nice by baking them cakes and buying them socks and hankies!

LoveMyGirls · 23/04/2007 14:39

What about dropping the children round for lunch and going off on your own for your lunch? If the weather is nice you could take a picnic, find a secluded spot in the woods and do something to really celebrate your anniversary?

ComeOVeneer · 23/04/2007 14:40

I know LMG. DH has even commented how lucky he is to have my mum as his MIL.

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ComeOVeneer · 23/04/2007 14:41

It is a 2.5 hour round trip to go to them so I don't really want to be stuck in the car for that amount of time on our anniversary with 2 whinging kids.

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LoveMyGirls · 23/04/2007 14:43

COV - my plan is really very good, it wasn't our anniversary but we did something like it once (upon a time.....) and we have never forgotten it though we did forget to take the picnic so went to a nearby pub for lunch .

mumto3girls · 23/04/2007 14:43

Just tel her to piss off re the mortgage thing and don'y goon sunday either..if you do go you'll only harbour feelings of resentment...

LoveMyGirls · 23/04/2007 14:44

I think my plan is a compromise - if you don't go at all won't it cause a row with dh? The very last thing you want on your anniversary is a row!

appledumpling · 23/04/2007 14:47

With the mortgage your SIL should make the mortgage company and her solicitor aware that she will be having assistance. Your DH should then be asked to sign a declaration stating he is not bankrupt/aware of any pending debt issues.

He should be advised to take independent legal advice as the mortgage company may want him formally made a guarantor on the mortgage which would leave him financially liable or even that he owns the property jointly with SIL so the mortgage is in joint names.

Or he could make SIL a loan to help her buy and put a charge over the property which would protect him in the event of SIL defaulting.

Or he could own it jointly with her (would mean joint mortgage though) and they could sign a declaration of trust which would state their respective shares in the property. He would still be liable in that case but on the plus side he would also get his share in the property back if/when it is sold which in these days of rising house prices is not a bad thing.

Hope that makes sense, I had 3 hrs sleep last night and my brain cell is feeling frazzled.

ComeOVeneer · 23/04/2007 14:51

Thanks appledumpling. The thing is if she can't afford the mortage should she be looking at buying? If her parents want to help out fine, but we don't have disposable cash to give her, it would mean dipping into our savings. MIL says dh should help as he is well off compared to sister. That is beacause he works damn hard and hasn't spent the last 10 years flitting from one course to another (all paid for by FIL) and onlyjust got her first proper (an even stil PT) job.

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appledumpling · 23/04/2007 14:58

Your SIL needs to think really carefully before taking on a mortgage if she thinks she needs help to pay it. Just because lenders like the Halifax will loan 6x salary doesn't make borrowing a huge sum of money a good idea. Hence if DH did shell out any of your hard earned cash I would really like him to do it in a way that protects him.

Legalities aside, I personally don't see why you should help her out and I certainly don't see why she should expect it.

Why doesn't she get a lodger instead?

slimmerjim · 23/04/2007 15:03

I wouldn't go either, but if you think it would keep the peace as well as making you whiter than white, just say " Well don't worry about the children. We've managed to sort out babysitting. We'll have to rearrange the lunch obviously, especially as xxx will be with you that weekend. How about (name a more distant couple of dates). We can come to you as originally planned or you can come to us ".

How on earth can she reasonably quarrel about that ?

slimmerjim · 23/04/2007 15:05

Oh yes the property...well I wouldn't buy either now if I couldn't comfortably afford it. What about a lodger though as Appledumpling said.

Real cheek, presuming your dh will just cough up.

Grrrr · 23/04/2007 15:15

You could fob her off for a while on the property thing by referring to newspaper articles speculating that the property market is headed for a serious re-adjustment (crash), bad time to buy ?

If you put yours and dh's money into a deposit for SIL, make sure that you are legally acknowledged as having a claim against any sale proceeds in just the same way as any mortgage lender would do. This avoids any ambiguity and feuding later when the IL's are perhaps no longer alive or SIL has married a bad'un, subsequantly divorced and her crap husband is seeking to take half of the equity!

It may seem harsh but she either takes the money from you on your terms or not at all. You would after all, be helping her out and it would be very rude/ignorant of her to dictate other terms when she is after all the borrower.

If you have your own mortgage, you are effectively giving her money that you are paying to borrow. The fact that this is unclear to so many people in family loan situations never fails to amaze me. Who in their right minds borrows at 6% to lend to someone else interest free or is it different because it's family ?

ComeOVeneer · 23/04/2007 15:27

I haven't really made it clear. We aren't expected to loan her the money or have a share in the house value. MIL expects us to give the money (monthly) to help pay the mortage payments as we have more money than her and "families help each other out"

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