Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be upset with husband over forgotten gift

102 replies

MamaBearto2 · 24/12/2017 18:26

First time posting, so please be gentle with me.

My "DH" who I have been with for almost 10 years has completely forgotten/ ignored my Christmas gift request. In the whole time we have been together, I have never known what I wanted for Christmas or my early January birthday.

This year, I saw a specific bracelet I wanted back in late October. I started the Facebook tagging with "I want this" several times a week since, been in the store with him a few times in the lead up to Christmas to look at it and window shopped every time we have walked past the store.

Today, he went to do Christmas shopping as he has been working incredibly hard the last few weeks and today is his only chance. I asked him if he had been in this specific store for my bracelet and his face dropped.. he had "forgotten" and thought I had just said I liked it, not that I wanted it. I'm gutted and had a little melt down about it after him saying he will go it.

Aibu to be upset about this and not want some second thought gift?

We have had a rough year but have worked hard on our relationship so I feel this is a slap in the face and that my feelings don't count yet again.

God I sound so grabby but I'm really not. I never ask for anything and always put alot of thought/ effort into his gifts.

OP posts:
Motoko · 25/12/2017 01:52

Christina, I'm sorry for your loss, but going on people's threads to try to make them feel bad for posting about a situation that has upset them, is not nice. It's not a competition.

jacks11 · 25/12/2017 01:54

Good lord woman, you need to get a hold of yourself! Preferably quickly. It makes you sound awful!

If my DH "had a meltdown" because I hadn't bought the specific present he wanted (or demanded), I'd think he'd lost the plot. It's not an adult way to behave! You don't demand specific gifts and go ballistic if you don't get them. It's rude, superficial and crass. You wouldn't tolerate a child behaving in that way, so I wouldn't be impressed if my spouse did.

It's fine to express as preference. It's not fine to demand. Sending weekly FB links etc is going totally overboard. I think if my partner did that, I might be tempted not to get whatever it was they were so keen on just so that they never did it again (as complying might mean a repeat of the same behaviour next year). It's sad when Christmas has sunk to this low of it all being about the present and what you get.

Honestly, OP, if there are problems in your marriage that mean you react like this to not getting your desired present, then I think the lack of the bracelet is the very least of your worries.

LemonShark · 25/12/2017 02:00

Christina, what an awful thing to say. I'm sorry for your loss (truly I am: I'm missing several immediate family members this year and it's not easy not to be bitter at times) but there's no excuse for coming into a thread about something unrelated that is understandably bothering the OP and dropping the 'well be grateful he's not dead like some of our husbands' line. That's just trying to make her feel bad for something that isn't her fault and a horrible thing to do.

jacks11 · 25/12/2017 02:02

Though I see I am in the minority in thinking it unreasonable to throw a hissy fit at not getting your preferred christmas present. I think it's very shallow and grabby. But clearly others feel it's ok to demand and then lose it when you don't get what you want. Which I find very sad, but there we are.

LemonShark · 25/12/2017 02:06

I actually think OP is BU re this specific incident, but clearly to her it just represents a much bigger deeper issue about being not listened to, cherished or appreciated. So while in a vacuum it's shitty behaviour of her (for all the reasons listed by PP) I suspect she has a much deeper reason for kicking off and overreacting like this.

MrsEricBana · 25/12/2017 02:19

I agree with Lemonshark Something similar happened to me on my recent "big birthday" and I feel totally gutted not because of the thing but because I just felt that what would make me happy didn't matter. I felt/feel like a brat but I just wanted them to care and they didn't. Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow OP, and I totally get it.

kmc1111 · 25/12/2017 02:43

You say you saw his face drop when you mentioned it, so clearly if he has forgotten he feels really shit about it. Why anyone would try and make someone they love feel even worse about something like that is beyond me.

It was never going to be any kind of surprise anyway, so if what he has bought you isn't good enough he can just go buy the bracelet when the shops are open again, no harm done.

NymeriaStark · 25/12/2017 02:50

What jacks11 said.

Get a grip OP.

Original poster
MamaBearto2 · 25/12/2017 13:08

@ChristinaParsons I'm truly sorry for your loss Christina. I hope you have people around you to support you through the festive period.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 25/12/2017 13:11

Did you get it OP?

Original poster
MamaBearto2 · 25/12/2017 13:16

Thank you everyone for your responses whether you agree with me or not. I hope your all having a lovely day with loved ones.

I didn't get my bracelet but he had bought himself a ring with our DD ashes in it which has been a huge kick in the face when this is the kind of bracelet I wanted.

We have barely spoken since this morning but there are plenty of family around so our son hasn't noticed an atmosphere thankfully.

OP posts:
NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 25/12/2017 13:24

I'm very sorry OP Flowers
Try not to let it spoil your day-I know it is easy for me to say.

Tistheseason17 · 25/12/2017 13:36

ok.
So now I'm hearing why it's been a tough year OP and you have lost a DD. I am very sorry for your loss. Flowers
Please remember your DH lost his DD, too.
We all grieve differently.
My DD lost my baby sister. Over 40 years later and it is still as fresh to him.
No-one gets over losing a child.It just becomes less raw. Talk to your DH. This must be so difficult for both of you.

LemonShark · 25/12/2017 13:40

I'm sorry OP for your loss and the sadness today. People grieve in different ways and it sounds like your husband needed to do this for himself, though he's been selfish in ignoring your wishes for something similar. I think the lesson here is if it's something you desperately want that means a lot to you, just buy it for yourself like he has.

WhatWot · 25/12/2017 13:51

@jacks11 I'm with you. Not sure why there are so many I'm having a meltdown thread from adults who don't get what they want. Its a gift not a demand. And most importantly I thought Christmas is not about presents and more about being with loved ones and loving them?

Willow2017 · 25/12/2017 14:02

What
Rtt
.
Op wanted the bracelet with her daughters ashes in it.
Her oh got himself a ring with dds ashes but didnt get the bracelet.
No excuses thats beyond selfish and dismissing ops feelings too.
The most important thing she wanted and he got himself something that means something to him but not her. He obviously doesnt care a jot for her feelings on losing her dd just his. If this is how people show thier love you can keep it.

Bobbins43 · 25/12/2017 14:09

It's not always about the material thing. It's about being listened to and having your wishes respected. Which they really really weren't in this case.

I'm so very sorry about your DD, OP X

RandomMess · 25/12/2017 14:17

So sorry he ignored/didn't listen to you it is very hurtful - sends the message he doesn't care SadI hope you can talk through it Thanks

MintyChops · 25/12/2017 14:23

So sorry you are having a shitty time OP, I would have been very upset too. It’s a good idea to treat yourself to the bracelet after Christmas and I hope you can manage to enjoy some of today. I’m really sorry about your DD, xx

brummiesue · 25/12/2017 14:25

So you wanted a bracelet with your daughters ashes in and he used (?them all) to make himself a ring and got you nothing?
That's fucking disgraceful, can't believe anyone is defending him Hmm9

Tistheseason17 · 25/12/2017 14:33

OP Did he use ALL of DD ashes? That would certainly put a different slant on the thread

LanaDReye · 25/12/2017 14:35

OP there are some really thoughtless posters on here, but luckily they are on the whole being drowned out by more thoughtful people.

Give yourself and your DH a break. He forgot as he is grieving and you wanted the bracelet because you are grieving. Try to let it go for now.

When DS is in bed explain to your DH that you are feeling pain and why. Don't tell him what to do or how to fix it, but wait to see what he says. It sounds like you both have lots of grieving to do and it's not really about a gift.

WhatWot · 25/12/2017 14:47

To be fair the OP was drip feeding re the ashes. I thought it was just a bracelet from a store. Not one with DD's ashes. That'd be a different story altogether. Sorry for your loss OP.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 25/12/2017 14:53

Ugh you poor thing. So gutted for you.
If your tough year was due to your daughter dying is there any way that he's just so lost in grief he can't see past it?

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 25/12/2017 15:03

My gosh he sounds awful.

Yanbu at all

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.