If you have depression- AIBU to ask what the best thing someone can say is?

[mostlikelyanunpopularviewpoint]

Friend has just told me they have depression. They are also extremely depressed over an added situation.

Simply, what is the best thing to say?

I have no advice which is practicls and want to steer away from cliche "it gets better" or "at least... "

So those of you who have depression and/or have been through a time when you felt hopeless, what was the most useful advice, anecdote or words that someone gave you?

I’m afraid to tell you that the best thing that helped me was someone saying they knew how I felt because they’d been there and gotten through it.

I’m guessing you haven’t had depression so it wouldn’t be right to say something like that so next best thing is “is there anything I can do to help?” And then maybe offer specific help with whatever their added stress issue is if you can?

It's ok to not be ok.

Also, just being able to talk helps a lot so offer your non judgemental ear.

As someone who has just been discharged from hospital after being sectioned for severe depression, it is quite difficult to get the right balance. What really wasn’t helpful was nurses telling to stop crying and be strong. For me, I wanted someone to acknowledge the pain that I was in and how awful things felt and not give me a ‘pull yourself together’ kind of talk but also to give me some kind of hope that nearly everyone with depression does get better and to encourage me to keep going while acknowledging how difficult it was. I think it’s different for different people but I personally found it helpful to have it reinforced that depression is a real illness and to try to be kind to myself exactly like I would if I had a physical illness.

I’d say that reminding them to be kind to themselves on bad days, have little treats like a long bath or binge watching Netflix.

Let them know you are there if they want to talk or have company, and it doesn’t matter if they don’t feel particularly sparky or at the top of their game, you still want to hang out. Equally if they want to be left alone, be understanding and don’t take offence.

Remind them that it will pass, yes it does sound like a cliche but it can feel like a permanent state when you’re depressed. Encourage your friend to do things that help depression - socialising, fresh air, exercise. You can be subtle about it and not too in your face, and be prepared that you might get a flat no. It does pass but generally only if the person changes things about their life. Baby steps though, everything can seem very overwhelming when you’re depressed.

And empathy...even if you’ve never experienced it, just listening and acknowledging that it must be really crap to feel like that.

My understanding is the “ it’s ok not to be ok” thing helps as does “ it’s an illness like any other - take the treatment ( talking or meds) and don’t let that add to your feelings of guilt etc.
What doesn’t is “ yeah do x and it’ll get better “ or my cousins dog did this and the depression went “ as things like this kind of implies they aren’t trying hard enough o be better ...

That's brought tears to my eyes Freudian.

Freudian that's the best thing I've read in ages.
I have depression and nobody gives a shit. Though to be fair I doubt many people know as I hide it so well, I had a week off work with it and nobody in my family knew.

I'm here for you
You are never alone
You are needed and lived
It's ok to not be ok

That's lovely toossarcastic but people say that and don't mean it. I'm not saying you wouldn't but people do.

I h at what you're saying. Let's make a nest. I've got this. Close your eyes. Sleep. Rest. I've got this. Just for today.

Hear not h at

You're probably right, *Brizzle. They were just things I eventually started to respond to personally when I started to believe that actually I ^should exist

I think I'd just want a hug, I haven't had a loving hug in many, many years.

Sometimes I wanted a friend to drink too much wine with me and let me cry to fate songs. Presents are nice. Flowers ad whatnot. Rock up with snacks and watch a cool tv series, or do something to temporarily take them outside of themselves. Drive to the sea, or sit i a nice park or something.
Oftentimes when you are depressed, people stop inviting you places, thinking 'liniality won't want to come'. Sometimes I couldn't make it because of anxiety or whatnot, but it hurt to have the invitations dry up.

This will sound a little silly, but I am reminded of Winnie the Pooh and how the gang looked after Eeyore, there's lots of memes and articles, I've popped one below.

"Winnie the Pooh and the gang never once made fun of Eeyore for being sad. They never wrote him off as being crazy. In fact, they checked in on him. They invited him on every adventure even though they knew that he would probably say no or, if he did come, he would be a little grumpy. Eeyore had the best friends in the world! They understood that he was the way he was and that was nothing to be ashamed of. They took care of him even when it was inconvenient or difficult."

www.theodysseyonline.com/depression-winnie-pooh

Freudian that is so beautiful and precious.
What an amazing soul to commit to something like that for someone for 5 years!

I'm lucky as I have a couple of friends who understand that sometimes I struggle. A lot. My 'social face' means that not everyone knows how black and empty and dark I feel on the inside some days but two people do.
Unfortunately they understand as they've been there.
I worry that I haven't supported them nearly as much as they have me.

The best thing they've ever said to me?
The most helpful thing?

Nothing. It isn't what they say, it's just knowing that they're there.
Always.
No matter how crap they're feeling it how busy they are...if I ever 'need' them, they're there for me.
Can you express that to your friend mostlikely or do they already know? (I suspect they do as they have confused in you which isn't always easy)

Confided not confused.
Damn stupid phone!!!!

Being there is more important than what you actually say.

bizzledrizzle are you sure nobody gives a shit? It's really hard to admit how you feel sometimes but is there anyone you'd trust to confide in?

“I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I don’t and can’t understand what you’re going through*, but I am here for you.”

*even if you’ve had depression yourself, it’ll be different

In my experience, you have to be careful not to empathise too much, because then you end up with two depressed people instead of one.

I personally try to be cheerful and when I feel that their depression is getting to me I get away until I can come back cheerful again.

Just be there. Offer to meet for coffee or similar. Let them know you care. I've been overwhelmed when I've opened up/broken down as a result of depression how people I knew but not well have gone out of their way too help.

I also found there very helpful to listen to
www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/moodzone-mental-wellbeing-audio-guides.aspx

Yep, quite sure.

Oh brizzle I am sorry. That's shit. Are you getting any help at all? Not trying to muddle through alone are you?

Yes, but that's ok as I'm used to it. I'm one of life's copers in the whole, that's not to denigrate anybody who is struggling with depression though, today is a marginally better day and we are all copers some times.