If you have depression- AIBU to ask what the best thing someone can say is?

[mostlikelyanunpopularviewpoint]

Friend has just told me they have depression. They are also extremely depressed over an added situation.

Simply, what is the best thing to say?

I have no advice which is practicls and want to steer away from cliche "it gets better" or "at least... "

So those of you who have depression and/or have been through a time when you felt hopeless, what was the most useful advice, anecdote or words that someone gave you?

"It's ok to not be ok but don't allow it to consume you. Find things that distract you until you're ready to deal with the situation, and in the meantime, you can talk to me. I can't offer any solutions, but I'll listen if you just want to get something off your chest."
I dunno if it's the best advice but it's what I would have liked to hear.

I have had truly terrible bouts of depression all my adult life. I appreciate offers of practical help from friends. Things like getting some shopping in, helping to tidy up/clean, taking the kids for a few hours. Checking in. Knowing you're being thought of. A bunch of flowers left on my doorstep from one of the school mums was lovely one time. A friend bringing some soup. It's the thought of care and it will manifest in their own strengths. I'll never forget those kind deeds.

What I'd like people to say to me is "I won't judge you or get angry if you can't face talking to me for a bit when you're struggling - take all the time you need"

But they don't. Have lost lots of friends.

I had a DF who had bouts of depression (ranging from 2 weeks feeling lousy to 6 months being unable to get dressed because she couldn't decide what to wear) and I simply turned up on her doorstep every Tuesday evening, and either took her for a drive, took her to my house for coffee (& listened to what she wanted to tell me, or talked to her) or just went in and sat with her for a couple of hours while her D'H went out. When she was well, she told me that just knowing that I would always arrive was really helpful to her.
She died very suddenly and unexpectedly from a stroke five years ago - I still miss her very much.

I think just a really long hug helped the most tbh. One thing a friend did that really helped was she made me a little care package, supposedly for a stressful time at uni. We'd been shopping about a year before hand and there had been these little teddies that I'd thought were really cute but obviously didn't buy, she bought a couple and put them in along with some food, some cosy socks and things, it just made me so happy because it was a little silly thing but it felt like she really knew me and it made me feel so much less insignificant? Maybe you could offer to cook her a lunch sometimes or take her out for a walk? Something small but practical, regular little things I found are really useful, but most importantly just treat her like a normal friend. She might need a bit more care, or different activities to normal or even just some time but she is still a normal person, and I found people treating me like I was okay (not ignoring it but sort of treating me as normal) really helped as opposed to the people who tiptoed around me with sympathetic glances
I found people trying to solve it was the worst, I didn't want them to try and fix me I just wanted them to be my friend.

Just to add as well, binge watching shows on Netflix was horrible for my depression. It was my comfort activity that was supposed to keep me going but it made me so much worse, because it was just lying there feeling greasy and disgusting in bed and it just gave me absolutely no hope, it sort of highlighted everything and the feelings of worthlessness. It took me a really long time to realise it but honestly tv really didnt help (although baths and showers ect. Really did)

Things I've said to my dp which he tells me have helped -

It's ok to cry, and I'm not judging you for it, I'm just going to sit here with you and hug you while you do.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's shit and you don't deserve to feel like this.

You don't need to talk about it, but I'm here if you want to talk.

I'm not going anywhere and your depression isn't going to scare me away or make me love you any less (and then quietly and consistently following through on that)

It's fine if you can't make that decision right now, we'll come back to it/I'll deal with it (again, following through is important)

It's shit. It really is. But not every day will be like today. In the meantime let's get through today together.

I love you, exactly the way you are, I won't try and 'fix' you but I will be here to support you in whatever you want to do to make yourself feel better, or however you need to cope.

On really bad days he tells me that practical stuff helps, like giving him small simple tasks to do, take a shower, make a cup of tea, make us some lunch together. Having some purpose can help, but needs to be balanced with anxiety.

Sometimes sitting him down and asking him outright to describe what's happening inside his head helps, not looking for a reason for the current bout of depression but just describing how it's playing out in his head. So I say things like, how are you feeling, what are you struggling with, tell me what's happening in there. A lot of the time there isn't a specific reason or cause for a bad day, but if I can understand what's going on in his head, I can help accordingly, and it seems to help him too, to describe what's happening without necessarily looking for a cause or solution.

It affects everyone differently obviously, but I think being consistent, kind, and available helps. Depression can be very isolating, and having someone who will just keep showing up, reaching out with love and affection and no judgment can make a world of difference I think.

It sounds like you're a good friend, I wish my dp had more people like you in his life.

‘Cheer up’

Having baths and binge watching Netflix is brilliant advice.

When I was fresh out of psychiatric hospital for severe depression and a borderline personality disorder diagnosis, hot hot baths, and long tv series was so helpful! Watching other fictional people (usually fantasy/magical stuff) live their lives, the longer the series the better as it felt familiar and. I didn't have to adjust or learn new characters and plot lines. It meant I didn't have to switch on before I was ready. But it also stopped me from switching off entirely.

I've seen professionals for 10 years for depression and anxiety and been on anti depressants for 8 of those years. (21 months anti depressant free which is the longest I've ever been 😁) and the most helpful things anyone could say, did not come out of the mouth of a professional.

Things like;
Let's go for a drive
You don't have to pretend to be ok with me
It's ok to not be ok
You don't have to say or try and explain anything

And if you can and want to do it, then things like
Day or night I am always here. I mean that. I'm a text or phone call away.

PND or depression? When I had PND my best reply was here's a cup of tea switch off we don't even have to talk I've got the baby for you. I think the normal it gets better stuff went in one ear and out the other.

Not

‘ are you feeling better ? ‘

trying to get you talk about it

over persistence in trying to get you out and about

looking vaguely askance as you explore - and take - anti depressant medication. No - herbal remedies won’t do

For me it was a touch just a gentle tap or rub my arm or a little hug just acknowledging that I’m not 100%

Agree with Molly fully. 'It sucks doesn't it' is probably to shortest most understanding thing to say as it sums it all!

Horrible today, can't be arsed with baths or Netflix and just want to go to bed except that I can't be arsed to do that either.

While "Its OK not to be OK" is entirely true, it was the sort of thing that I found very difficult to accept from people who had never been there. I felt safer among friends who I knew had come out the other side of depression, and who truly understood.

The biggest thing that people could actually do for me (whether or not they had experienced depression )was to get me out of the house, to ensure that I had some social activity, was not stewing in a fug of navel-gazing isolation.

There’s nothing wrong with binge watching Netflix or baths if they provide even temporary relief for that person. It can be better than more harmful ‘self-help’ strategies.

One of the demons with depression is the idea we are somehow different or special, nobody could possibly understand unless they’ve had exactly the same experience and what works for others won’t possibly work for us because we are so much worse.

It isn’t true - it’s a lie we tell ourselves when we’re depressed and it serves to keep us isolated and keep the depression going in the same way a virus replicates itself.

Other people can help and they don’t have to understand depression first hand or jump in the pit with you - they just need to be understanding, prepared to listen without judgement or expectation, not take offence or walk away if you don’t respond or want to accept help and it helps if they can think outside the box.

For me, when I’m depressed, fresh air and exercise is the last thing I want but the best thing for me so gently encouraging that is useful.

Lastly, for me, having a friend who isn’t afraid to ask outright how desperate I am and doesn’t panic or overreact if the answer is a frightening one is a godsend.

I’m not sure what to say exactly, but just being friendly and supportive would help them. Everyone has their own battles and you never know what someone is going through, so just having a person in their corner could really help.