If you have depression- AIBU to ask what the best thing someone can say is?

[mostlikelyanunpopularviewpoint]

Friend has just told me they have depression. They are also extremely depressed over an added situation.

Simply, what is the best thing to say?

I have no advice which is practicls and want to steer away from cliche "it gets better" or "at least... "

So those of you who have depression and/or have been through a time when you felt hopeless, what was the most useful advice, anecdote or words that someone gave you?

I'm sorry but 'having long baths or binge watching Netflix' is really crap advice. Neither of those would make the slightest difference to depression and it makes me quite angry to see them suggested as an antidote.

Consistent, reliable support as Freud describes is going in the right direction.
Maintaining a friendship that doesn't ask much of the depressed party and keeping in touch regularly. Not acting judgementally.

I'm sorry but 'having long baths or binge watching Netflix' is really crap advice. Neither of those would make the slightest difference to depression

Different things work for different people though, yes? What is useless advice for one might work for another. Some people might want a a lovely meal when they are depressed but I never want to eat but will stick the television on as that is minimal effort. At least it's a voice in the wilderness.

I'm sorry that it doesn't work for you, I hope you find something that does.

Let them know you're there, and consistently, not as a 'one off'. freudian's story sums this up, I think.

My dad is a man of few words but when I've been in deep depression he tends to send me daft things on Facebook- maths puzzles and silly videos. It sounds trite but I knew it was his way of checking in and letting me know he's thinking of me.

Don’t do the ‘at least.....’ line. As
you said, it’s entirely unhelpful. When someone’s depressed often there are no positives, and trying to find them with ‘at least’ is rubbish. Steer away from ‘other people have it worse than you’ as well -objectively in the grand scheme of things yes they do, but subjectively at that time, to that person, no they don’t.
If you’ve never had depression before and don’t know what to say, say that. Something along the lines of ‘I don’t know exactly how you’re feeling, but you’re my friend and I want to be there for you so I will listen if you want me to, or we can go out and do things if you want to, etc’
When I was unwell with depression I didn’t know what I wanted most of the time, and someone just coming round and ‘being’ with me was really helpful. No pressure to talk or do anything, just another person’s presence- has someone who was
comfortable with sitting in silence if that’s what I needed.

Just listen and empathise. Absolutely do not try to jolly them along with ‘look on the bright side’ etc.
Also accept that they may not want to talk about it and that’s ok too.
You sound like a caring friend I’m sure you’ll do what is right.

Just having someone accept that it was an illness rather than a mood or bit of a bad time would have helped me. Like talking about medications or just accepting I'd see a Dr or anything. The worst for me is always- why. Why are you depressed. What has caused this. Is it because this or this. There isn't a reason or a cause, there may be factors that influence mental health but it isn't like I ate bad chicken = I have food poisoning. It's hard to describe it all but my parents do this, the accusatory 'why' and the defensive 'sorry we aren't good enough', and all the 'at leasts'.

And just as important as what is said is what is understood, as in if I cancel plans and can't express why not to take it too personally. I've had- well if you don't want to see me, or well I could have made other plans if I'd known, or I'll come to yours (on a day it's so bad I cancel I pretty much don't want to see people. Offering good, just declaring a visit bad)

I’ve only found fellow sufferers to be of any comfort and support. Even a close friend who is a mental health nurse doesn’t really understand. My advice when other sufferers seek me out is to just ride it out, there’s no shortcut so just accept it for now. It is an illness like any other so take the meds. Anti d’s have a stigma so I point out you would get a plaster cast if you broke a bone or you wear glasses to correct your vision. The brain needs it’s help too. I got a huge Christmas hug from someone whom I said this to earlier this year, they said it has helped them massively.

The person who made a big difference for me when I was in this situation said “I am here for you, you can talk to me any time - day or night”.

Dh’s Borother turned up every Wednesday (almost ) without fail to have lunch with him when he was off work with depression for a year.

His dad would ring on Monday morning as that was always really difficult to get him out of bed and arrange to come round. A friend invited him to join a pub quiz. Another friend went for a walk with him most weekends. Other people would text stuff, just stupid stuff but they showed he was bein* thought of.

Stuff like that really helped.

Also, if she has a partner and you know them, respite for them can be really helpful, just saying...

Just to say it wasn’t always easy to see the stuff above was helping at the time, but cumulatively it did. She’s taken a big step telling you...

I'm sorry but if long baths or Netflix work for you, then (happily) it's not depression, it's a low mood yes, but not a medical condition.

It's a dangerous trivialisation of a condition which requires much more support and intervention than this.

Fortunately just about every other poster on the thread is making more constructive comments.

I don’t think baths and Netflix, long walks or knitting cure depression or are an antidote. I do think that for some, they are an essential coping strategy whilst you gather enough strength to take the next step, or remember to stay functioning.

I'm sorry but if long baths or Netflix work for you, then (happily) it's not depression, it's a low mood yes, but not a medical condition

I don't think she means they "work" as in they stop her feeling depressed. They're just coping strategies. I've worked on inpatient units with people with very severe depression and yes, they've needed a great deal of medical and therapeutic support, but sometimes little things like a bath or watching a favourite film have given them some (very temporary) distraction or relief.

I thought listening was a good thing, but maybe not, since few here seem to list that.
Personally, I don't do much empathy. I need to detach to support at all. I have lots of mentally ill relatives & it makes me nuts to share their pain. Forget that. Fine to acknowledge it's shit. Sometimes on MN I just feel like writing "Wow, must suck to be you." but that wouldn't be taken how I meant it. .

Friend is going thru painful divorce which is my test ground. She definitely doesn't listen to half of what I do say, but I know she appreciates that I listen & encourage her to talk. It's been a huge window for me into how other people operate. OMG, so emotional. I can't support at all if I'm not thinking constructively and staying positive & seeing all this as her problems, not mine. No matter what her pain, it's not my pain.

Understanding when they're not interested in doing things or going out instead of giving them grief. Staying in with them and watching crap tv.

I would say not to patronise - and also to understand when friend wants alone space, not to take it personally when they don’t want to go out and don’t want you round

Sort of cross post with puton

One thing my mum does when I’m low is if she comes to my house and I’m not here she will grab a load of washing and do my dishes. Have a quick tidy round. I know that would really piss some people off but my depression is directly linked to state of my house in a cycle: feel low- stop cleaning- feel lower because house is a state etc. So walking in and having that pressure lifted gives me an amazing lift. She never mentions it to me. Never tells me what she has done or looks for thanks. She just does it. It’s a big change from when I first got ill as she would be very accusatory and proclaim my house was in a state and nag me constantly to sort it out. I think she has realised that the house is a symptom of my mental health and not a choice to be lazy.

I think to say is that you don't mind if they want to call/talk just to moan and that it is ok if they only talk about themselves because you know that when they are better, the roles could be reversed and they would be there for you.

Depression can make you feel very lonely because you feel like a burden on others. You know that it's not nice to hear people going on and on about how all the things people take for granted are a challenge for them. You are also afraid that you can end up depressing them and that as a result, people will avoid you, or worse judge you. Knowing you can talk if you feel like it and you'll be heard and not judged, whatever you say is the best thing a friend can do.

I'm sorry but if long baths or Netflix work for you, then (happily) it's not depression, it's a low mood yes, but not a medical condition.

no, it's depression. and yes, it does make a difference because it makes me feel less alone and stops me sitting there feeling as miserable because there is nothing worse than being lonely, cold, hungry and depressed. If you think that's not depression then that's your choice but sitting in the GP surgery talking to them because you've walked there in tears because you can't see how you can cope is depression.

As someone who suffered with depression and is now being treated for anxiety, the best thing anyone ever said to me was a simple: “it sucks doesn’t it.” What that showed was - they believed me (most importantly) and that they were able to empathise without being overly dramatic.

The worst thing was said to me by a colleague who had a particularly “challenging” 15 year old son: “you’d be more anxious if you had kids and you had to worry about them, rather than being able to spend your money on what you wanted and coming and going as you please.”

Part of the reason for my MH issues is being told when I was 27 that I couldn’t have children...
Whilst in fairness to her she did not know that, it was a hard thing to hear.

Ultimately believing someone - that’s the kindest thing you can do in my opinion.

Another thing is not expecting too much. If I get invited out, it’s always a no - but it’s nice to be invited. My friend won’t try to cajole, but simply says “it’d be better if you came but I know you don’t want to”.

I tend to shy away from company because I feel like no one would want to spend time with me at my worst and my close friend will just send me a random WhatsApp “still alive and still gorgeous?” Which is silly but I know that in those few moments she’s thinking of me. It really is the little things.

What a lovely person you are to have started this thread. Merry Christmas to you

Thank you for wanting to be understanding, and not just assuming anything. A true friend, indeed.

The best thing to say is something you truly mean.

don't say 'I'm here for you when you need me', if you then don't reply to messages or are never available.

As a PP said, something that is low pressure. Don;t try to encourage/force someone to meet up to help them. Make sure you're available, without them feeling pressure

I have fibromyalgia and depression and panic attacks are a part of the business.
Step back and stay calm works best when I'm fully in grip of that bitch. Just be there for them, don't try to spread fake cheer and don't react with annoyance when they don't behave the way you expect them to.
A hug or simply being there for them works wonders.

I don't see anything wrong with the long baths and Netflix advice. It's not going to immediately cure depression but neither will anything else suggested be that magic words or anti depressants.
Self care is important and, for me, having a bath and not skinning around feeling disgusting could make a big difference to my mood that day. Watching comedies helped, eating well, getting out and taking exercise. There were lots of things along with medication and time that contributed to me feeling better. Some of which I'm sure other people would find useless.