To make DD (18) move out

[mostlikelyanunpopularviewpoint]

DD is 18 and applying for 2018 entry. She's been accepted into some good universities further away and a slightly less decent one nearby. At first she wanted to move out to stay in halls but she's now changed her mind and said she wants to commute.

However, my DD is terrible at making friends. She had a rough time at college due to mental health issues which are well behind her now and simply doesn't make friends as she's such an introvert. Sometimes I feel like she is my shadow, which although is lovely, isn't healthy for her. She can also be very scatty, never takes responsibility for when things go wrong and can be very immature sometimes. I still do her washing and she only just started changing her sheets. Perhaps I should have put my foot down sooner.

I'm worried that if she lives at home she's not going to have a proper social life at university and won't experience everything all the other students will. It will also do her the wold of good to have to grow up a bit and take some responsibility for herself.

I feel like she will not enjoy university at first but will eventually adapt to it.

In terms of mental health she is fine now, but she has no friends nearby due to her friends losing contact when she was ill.

So AIBU to suggest heavily to my DD that she moves out to the uni with a good reputation and good pastoral support?

The other option is she lives at home, commutes on the train, walks from the station... DD has said she won't miss out and seems convinced she'll still have a social life.

Thoughts?

Thank you.

YANBU. It sounds like halls would be what she needs.

Yes this is great advice, she will most definitely benefit from being at University and deeply regret staying at home. She won't be able to change her mind and move into halls from home once she has started as everyone would have already made friends.

University and living away from parents is such an amazing opportunity, you're completely right to encourage her to make the most of it :)

YABU. You can’t push introverts into being sociable. You’ll just make her feel completely unsupported.

University isn’t about making friends. It’s about getting an education. Stop thinking about “experiences” and her social life.

You can put your foot down about her looking after herself more at home but making her feel unwelcome in her own home is a bad idea.

I never washed my own clothes or sheets till I went to uni and was perfectly fine 😂

Make her move out and encourage her to join clubs and societies . There are groups for all kinds of niche interests !

YABU. I don't think pushing so dramatically is necessarily wise when there is a MH background.

I have a DD of very similar age and background currently taking a year out and working locally and I've been thinking about this a lot.

Ultimately 1) you can't put an old head on young shoulders and 2) fragile people need to feel secure to make progress.

It's not about her being an introvert or pushing her into being sociable. Introverts can be sociable-I would know, I am one. They just have needs that prevent them from being sociable 100% of the time. Halls provides more opportunity to be sociable-of she doesn't have the energy at that moment she can retreat into her private room.

I have a DD slightly older whose MH problems prevented her going to uni. She commuted to college and is at home and , like yours, is my shadow. It's not good for her or me. In your shoes I would most definitely encourage her NOT to commute, but to move away from home. She can always return, but she may not for a long time get such a great and relatively safe, opportunity to be independent.

My DD is the same age as yours and is home for Christmas after her first term hundreds of miles away. By her own account she's settled in well to the student flat but she spends a bit too much of her time on chores - shopping cooking washing clothes and dishes etc.

All useful life lessons obviously but not ones I would try and impose on someone whose mental well-being had been precarious. (I speak as someone who had to take a year out of uni because of MH issues) One of the girls she's closest to is actually intending to move back home for second year so she can save money.
As far as a social life goes, DD is pretty gregarious but not an extrovert. Her social life sounds fairly nondescript...after the excesses of Freshers they maybe go out once a week..usually Wednesday very rarely at the weekend. Depends of course on the dynamic of the flat...some flatmates never go out, others go home at the weekend to work/see boyfriends.
I find it hard to be categoric one way or the other, sorry.
Why not suggest she accepts the better one further away and applies for accommodation there and see how she feels closer to the time...would it not be possible to cancel and find a place closer to home?

I sympathise OP - not easy at all to find the balance

YANBU, I think it's actually much easier to move out to university than to put it off and then later move out on your own. With uni, everyone's in the same position of not knowing many people and needing to learn how to fend for themselves, there's usually good pastoral support (it wasn't common knowledge but my university actually retained a psychiatrist), and to be honest if it goes wrong you can pause things and go back home, or switch from halls to living at home again. She'll need to move out eventually, and this would provide much more support than delaying it, staying at home all through uni, then moving out alone into a flat post-uni. This does of course rely on you being sure that she's safe enough to manage on her own but from your original post it doesn't sound like that's so much of a problem at the moment? I also disagree that uni is just for receiving an education - learning how to get along with very different people and making friends are really important life skills, and I think I sometimes sacrificed those in favour of improving my marks.

That's hard, I suspect there is no right or wrong. Only you know your daughter but I think you've got the right idea that living in would be good but I think she needs to make the decision herself or it could back fire on you.
You sound like a great mom

Not all 18 year olds want to be socialising in the same way and at the same pace. Your DD has previous MH issue and she's an introvert.

Whilst yes, definitely encourage her to be more responsible at home, at 18, for various reasons, I would have MUCH preferred to be at home. I didn't get the choice, and it had the opposite effect of 'building my confidence' and experiencing life and so on.

To be honest, I'd listen to her and respect her wishes.

YABU I think the worst thing that could happen is that she is so stressed with the changes moving into halls that it could affect her mental health again.That would have much more detrimental effects than her not having a full social life,she could end up leaving university because of it! That would have far reaching consequences on career choices and her self esteem for the future.

Respect her choice to commute, she’s an adult and has made a decision herself on this.She could commute for the first year but could end up gaining confidence and feeling better then living out in her second or third year. Just because she’s not ready now doesn’t mean she ever will be.

Imo first year of university there is a massive emphasis on partying,drunken exploits and general mayhem which might be ok for some people but not great if you are recovering from a mental illness.Disruption to sleep due to noise won’t help either.

OP, is your daughter on the spectrum but undiagnosed? Has it ever been considered?

If so, going off to Uni could have a devastating effect on her. You just cant throw someone into the deep end and expect them to swim, even if she's not on the spectrum and her poor mental health is down to other things.

Perhaps the Uni near home would be a better choice for her. She could stay at home for the first year or so then move out into a flat share once she's found her feet.

I don't know. If I'd had to live in halls I'd never have gone to uni. They're my idea of a nightmare. She might not want a typical student lifestyle. It's not for everyone. Let her make her own choices.

Huge gamble, could go either way and not one I'd risk. Friend's DD struggling away from home. It was touch and go as to whether they could leave her when they took her there, she sobbed like a baby and spent the first few weeks crying loads. Things improved and were looking ok but term finished with her having a huge panic attack (first ever one).

She's been back a week and already stressing about going back and I'm not sure how this will pan out yet. She does really like her course though which is something. But her skin is dreadful, she's permantly stressed and my friend is absolutely exhausted with it all. Having supported her through it so far, I wouldn't be pushing someone to go who has had to miss a year of college due to MH problems.

My d's went to a local university. He was always the youngest in the class at school. If have been concerned if he'd moved away hundreds of miles but didn't day so to him.

He commuted. When into second year he decided to house share. Loved it. He changed house shares several times for various reasons. In one there was never any quiet.

Sometimes between house shares he'd go back to commuting for a few weeks until he found another house share. When house sharing he'd appear home approximately every other week for a half day to do his washing and leave again with a bag of groceries.

Going local he was only a 40 minute bus ride away but had the freedom. By the time a Phd was completed he was fit and able to go away to do post grad work and eventually emigrated.

If your dd went local she could still move out but have the safety net of you being near hand but not being in each other's pockets.

Living out can be lonely in halls or house share if the other students keep to themselves.

Also, if your dd moved far away what would happen re her course if she was miserable and had to come home. id suggest local and once she's settled in look to house share.

Please don't force DD to move away. Halls were a lonely ghost town at the weekend and a hellish cacophony of noise in the week. It would be better to stay home and once she's made some friends get a house share locally.

She might find her wings, she might plummet to earth; you can't always be sure that a person with delicate MH will thrive if they're just made to stand on their own two feet.

However, if she did move out and did find her independence, it would be a fantastic confirmation to her that she's recovered and capable of looking after herself, and you'll never know if that's possible unless you try. I'd say encourage her as much as you can to give living away from home a go. Don't place big expectations on her, just tell her you want her to get the most out of her studies and think she needs to see if she can make that step. Then if it doesn't work out, be ready to gather her up, tell her you're proud she tried and work with her to keep pushing forward.

Hmm. I moved into halls at uni when I was 18 and I was utterly miserable. I just wasn't ready to leave home - I was very quiet, shy, bit of an introvert and hated drinking/ clubbing so halls were basically my nightmare. By Christmas of first year I moved home and commuted to uni. I commuted in the second year too. It was all absolutely fine - by the third year I was confident enough to do my year abroad, my final year I happily moved out to live with friends and haven't looked back since. All I'm saying is - if at 18 she doesn't feel ready then that's fine. She may be a late bloomer like I was.

Sadly, in my case, if I had had to move out to attend university, I would probably have not lasted out a year. Additionally, my choice was made too easy as the best options for any courses I considered were within easy commuting distance, so I never really considered moving out.

Although, on the other hand, as I get older, I sometimes wonder if I had had to move out, would it have been the making of me? Actually not doing well in the first year of my course, and having the emotional struggle of learning to be more independent, may have made me reassess so many things. I'll never know now.

Better to commute, I think, than being miserable at a faraway university. She can always move out next year.

Whatever you both decide to do, monitor the situation closely, so if she does start to crashdive, you can intervene before it tips into something you will regret massively.
For me, I’d let her stay whilst she adjusts and then she could move out if she feels strong enough in the second year.
If she does come unstuck, recovery time could be years.

Personally I would not. There is a phrase you are never feel more alone than when you are in a group of people. She might cope better with social demands of the University if she has somewhere safe to retreat to at the end of the day.

"However, my DD is terrible at making friends....she simply doesn't make friends"

op, sending sympathies. However the truth is just moving out into hall, without additional support, may not change this. It is possible to be lonely and not make friends at university - and I have to admit having read some of the mn accounts of their dc's experience this year (noise, constantly partying, incompatible flat mates) I am starting to have doubts about the living in hall experience being such a good thing for some 18 yr olds (dc in yr 12 so thinking ahead)!

Maybe your dd has also cottoned on to this, hence the change of mind?

Very difficult for you, because there are good reasons to want to encourage independence as well. But your dd may know that hall living is not for her, and want a more phased exit! On the other hand hall might turn out to be wonderful for her. When does she have to decide which to accept - is it around April?

Phased and supported is good. I launched joyfully into uni at 18 and had a fantastic time. My child didn’t. It confused and bewildered me for a while that they were so different to me.
Work on building her independence and confidence the first year, including shopping, meals and laundry. She can lodge with you, but be more responsible for herself.
Possible negatives to moving out? MH issues,withdrawal, failing the course, depression, suicidal thoughts...