To make DD (18) move out

[mostlikelyanunpopularviewpoint]

DD is 18 and applying for 2018 entry. She's been accepted into some good universities further away and a slightly less decent one nearby. At first she wanted to move out to stay in halls but she's now changed her mind and said she wants to commute.

However, my DD is terrible at making friends. She had a rough time at college due to mental health issues which are well behind her now and simply doesn't make friends as she's such an introvert. Sometimes I feel like she is my shadow, which although is lovely, isn't healthy for her. She can also be very scatty, never takes responsibility for when things go wrong and can be very immature sometimes. I still do her washing and she only just started changing her sheets. Perhaps I should have put my foot down sooner.

I'm worried that if she lives at home she's not going to have a proper social life at university and won't experience everything all the other students will. It will also do her the wold of good to have to grow up a bit and take some responsibility for herself.

I feel like she will not enjoy university at first but will eventually adapt to it.

In terms of mental health she is fine now, but she has no friends nearby due to her friends losing contact when she was ill.

So AIBU to suggest heavily to my DD that she moves out to the uni with a good reputation and good pastoral support?

The other option is she lives at home, commutes on the train, walks from the station... DD has said she won't miss out and seems convinced she'll still have a social life.

Thoughts?

Thank you.

I moved into halls in my first year and made almost no friends because I was very shy/introverted/whatever you want to call it. There were 20 rooms and no real communal activities, and so it was very easy to just sit in my room. Other people quickly formed into groups and I was just too shy to go and ask if I could hang around with them. Luckily I had a lot of friends at home so it was ok.

So I wouldn't recommend those sorts of halls, but the kind where you're in flats with just a few other people so it's essentially like a house share. I so wished I'd done that (I did have the choice but didn't really think about it) because I think it would have suited me so much better. So I think encouraging your DD to move out is a positive idea but just research the accommodation options well.

The traditional hall set-up will be hell for her if she's not a party animal or a people person.

There are other options though: as another PP said, could she live out at the local university? Or is it feasible for her to be further away, but living in a smaller house or flat arrangement? Are there private Halls available? These sometimes have much better facilities and more privacy.

YABU. I went away to uni at 18 - my choice - and can look back and see that I was woefully unprepared and very immature. As a result, I made some very poor choices - socially and academically.

It sounds like your DD has a high level of self-awareness and her coping capacity. Let her be the expert on her own life.

I think it’s great that you’ve talked to her and kept it open.

Honestly, if professionals have suggested she might have ASD, it’s worth talking to her about looking at pursuing a diagnosis. It’s honestly changed my life. I was always anxious, struggled to co-ordinate my life without my Mum’s help, I never fitted in although I had a handful of friends. I’m so much happier now I know. I’ve stopped blaming myself for being crap and have started being kinder to myself. I’ve met some fantastic women online who are like me and now we have a fantastic support network. It’s worth considering.

DD doesn't have diagnosed ASD but it was been mentioned in the past as a possibility by teachers or healthcare professionals. I've never chased it up or sought a diagnosis as DD does function relatively well.

If it’s been mentioned in the past it’s worth pursuing and not just because your daughter obviously doesn’t function relatively well.

She’s already had the MH problems youngsters on the spectrum can experience. It’s another sign she’s not functioning relatively well.

If she were to pursue a Dx there’s much that could be put in place at Uni to help her cope.

Two strangers on the internet suspected ASD just from your opening post. I suspect it’s a lot more obvious in real life.