To make DD (18) move out

[mostlikelyanunpopularviewpoint]

DD is 18 and applying for 2018 entry. She's been accepted into some good universities further away and a slightly less decent one nearby. At first she wanted to move out to stay in halls but she's now changed her mind and said she wants to commute.

However, my DD is terrible at making friends. She had a rough time at college due to mental health issues which are well behind her now and simply doesn't make friends as she's such an introvert. Sometimes I feel like she is my shadow, which although is lovely, isn't healthy for her. She can also be very scatty, never takes responsibility for when things go wrong and can be very immature sometimes. I still do her washing and she only just started changing her sheets. Perhaps I should have put my foot down sooner.

I'm worried that if she lives at home she's not going to have a proper social life at university and won't experience everything all the other students will. It will also do her the wold of good to have to grow up a bit and take some responsibility for herself.

I feel like she will not enjoy university at first but will eventually adapt to it.

In terms of mental health she is fine now, but she has no friends nearby due to her friends losing contact when she was ill.

So AIBU to suggest heavily to my DD that she moves out to the uni with a good reputation and good pastoral support?

The other option is she lives at home, commutes on the train, walks from the station... DD has said she won't miss out and seems convinced she'll still have a social life.

Thoughts?

Thank you.

I think it might be quite unkind to push a potentially vulnerable youngster out into a big scary world. I think it could compound not cure her social difficulties.

My youngest is in year two, living away and loving it but she’s watched a number of friends and course mates suffer significant problems. Some have given up, some have turned to drugs, started self harming or become very depressed. University can be tough. Entering the adult world can be tough.
My neighbours youngest is in Scotland and struggling to adapt in her first year. Her mother rented a flat in the city to try and support her through the difficulties until she decided what she wanted to do and felt more accepted and part of halls.

Our of the girls found first year hard, really hard to the point we thought she was becoming quite unwell. We drove to fetch her home early for Christmas, spent hous on the phone negotiating with university for support and paid for her to come home by train at least fortnightly, when she wanted from the second term onwards. We also spent weekends near the university so we could be there, if needed. Luckily the crisis passed and she overcame the problems she faced (it was around compulsory cadaverous dissection, nightmares, not sleeping and huge anxiety triggering extreme OCD with hallucinations) so could continue but it was a really hard time for her and simply telling her to jump ,in with both feet wouldn’t have worked. She needed unconditional love, support and reassurance that whatever path she chose was fine by us.
If she wants to go, absolutely she might adapt but I wouldn’t be pushing her out of the safety of your nest until she was ready.

Another who wonders based on that OP if she might have ASD. She sounds a lot like me. I am an Aspie but wasn’t diagnosed until I was mid 30s. Here is Tania Marshall’s guide to ASD in women. Might be worth a look to see if it seems like your DD fits. If you do, it’s worth looking at getting her assessed sooner rather than later.

I found living in halls tough. It was always noisy, sleep disturbed (I was on an intense course, couple of my flat mates were not!). It stank thank to people smoking (cigarettes and other stuff). I survived but I hated it.

I think you need to work on helping her help herself in terms of the self-care. Can you do stuff like implement a routine and a journal so she knows when to do what? (I used to change my bed the same day each week to fit in with my timetable). Do you really think she’d be okay in halls? It might be sink or swim but what if she can’t manage? It would be a shame for her not to do well at uni because of her living situation while she might succeed living at home.

It's a really hard one. Our ds1 had mental health issues in 6th form and decided not to go to uni. He stayed at home and got a job. I thought he'd be with us forever but as he recovered he became more sociable and then a few months ago moved out into a house share. He's loving it and doing really well

Have you discussed the option of catered halls with your daughter? Our ds2 is in catered halls and doesn't have a lot of the issues that first years in shared flats have eg arguments about washing up, food going missing etc. Also, students opting for self catering tend to be the quieter ones who don't want the shared flat experience. Ds2 is quite outgoing but also works hard and does lots of sport. On his floor at uni there are lots of fellow students doing quite intensive courses such as science and medicine. They don't have an issue with noise or wild parties as it's not that sort of set up.

So maybe a catered hall rather than a student flat would offer more support to your daughter?

I would encourage your daughter to consider the better university and living away from hime, but i wouldnt force her. At the end of the day it's got to be her decision.

What will her reaction be if you insist on live in at uni @mostlikelyanunpopularviewpoint

I have never been to uni but I was a bit of an introvert myself, sort of attached to my mum and found making new friends hard. I joined the forces after 6th form instead. Did me the world of good leaving home and going into the big world. I suspect halls is a bit like the barrack block, secure accomadation, food on the table and plenty of supportive people around you. Also staff that care and support your wellbeing and education (with a lot less shouting and obscenities than the forces). I found that you soon make close friends when your pretty much in each other pockets. Getting away from the social safety of home really forced me to engage and develop my social skills. It's sound like a good safe stepping stone on the transition into indipendant adult life.

I don't think your logic is unfair, but I think you need to tell her all of your OP and she needs to agree for it to work.

I am a bit of an introvert. I dropped out of a uni away from home and went home and commuted from there. It was less hours and less stress so I got a part time job there (I've got a couple of really good friends from there six years later, I am godmother to one of their children etc) and uni itself helped me come out of my shell some more. If I'd felt forced into going to a uni away from home it would have backfired terribly. I felt very isolated and unhappy away, I also have a few mental health issues and needed the support of a close friend at home. I think your logic makes sense, but have the chat with her and see if she can see where you're coming from. If she thinks you're wrong, I'd let her do what she wants because she will still learn from it. I picked head over heart with uni and it backfired. Being a drop out and unemployed for three months was the making of me, and it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gone away.

Also, whilst always an introvert at heart I am quite confident in my own abilities these days (I'm nearly 26) I have a really good career path ahead of me, and am the happiest I've ever been. It took a while to get me here, but if you just looked at where I am now, most people are surprised I haven't always been like this. It was the learning from the decisions I made around the age of 18-20 which propelled me on.

I am an introvert and stayed at home during first year at uni and did indees struggle to make friends as most people were in halls together. I ended up making lots of people through a part time job I worked while at uni though so that is another option perhaps? I would say tho forcing her into halls might work out better for her uni experience as I found mine quite lonley x

YANBU

When I went to uni (11 years ago ), i ended up commuting to a uni around 10 miles away as my family and long term boyfriend at the time didn't want me to move. It was miserable, I didn't get invited to parties or on nights out because I didn't live in student halls and eventually I ended up quitting as I felt so isolated.

The year after I split up with my boyfriend and moved to a different uni around an hour away. I LOVED it! I still live in my university city 10 years later (albeit in a much nicer area), stay in touch with my uni friends and I'm bringing my family up here now.

Could she go to the university close by and stay in halls? It might not be the best uni but it might make things easier for her to know that's she's still close to home.

My 3 DC were all introverts and all left home at 18/19. They did not go to Uni but left to peruse other avenues. Just because Uni or leaving home works for some it may not work for others. Why not say to her that she can commute for the first year. Encourage her to look at the options of living away from home during that year. If she makes friends she will probably find it easier to live with them. I expect she just needs a bit longer to mature.

I would however set some very strict ground rules about contributing to running the home and being self sufficient.

I always think that by living at home people are massively missing out on the university experience and your opportunity to make friends is halved as you can only make course friends which some people don’t.
University can be intense so it sounds like it’s important that your daughter can come home when she needs to at weekends so I’d give her that reassurance.

No don't push her away. Uni can be very very lonely. I was very unhappy during my uni years. My DD hasn't enjoyed the uni experience didn't enjoy halls and now semi commutes only staying when she needs to.
So something close that can offer staying at home and moving away if she wants to try is good.
I don't think there are better Uni's than others - a lot if the league tables are not relevant to an undergrad. I think it matters more what you do than where.

Talk it through with her. Make lists of plus and minus points but ultimately, respect her decision. Try to come up with possible route maps through possible scenarios but most importantly, tell her that she can talk to you and change her mind at any point.
What you don't want is for her to plough unhappily on because she doesn't want to disappoint you.

It does seem it's impossible to generalise - hall life suits some down to the ground; brings some out of their shell for the first time; is just about tolerable to some others; and is a nightmare for others! And it could be very lonely to be in a student flat or floor but not be part of that flat or floor group. A negative approach I know!

What would your dd think about starting away from home but on the basis that you'll support her decision to leave any time and transfer to the local university? Two potential problems - who says local university would have her if she did decide to transfer? and also it can be very difficult to leave without feeling like a failure - not good for the self esteem!

If dd does stay at home, there may be ways of encouraging independence and 'detaching' - though not sure what those are!

Sympathies op, your dd is lucky to have a dm who so obviously wants the best for her.

YABU if she's not ready to move out, don't force her to. My DD is the same age as yours and applying for 2018 entry she is very extrovert and cannot wait to move out.

All teenagers are so very different, and she may well end up very homesick, miserable and depressed if forced to go and live in halls. Nothing wrong with looking round the uni accommodation and finding out if they have a 'quiet house' that she can apply for (some of the ones we have looked at do) which is for those who are not so keen on partying. If she commutes her first year, she could surely still have the option to move into accommodation for her second or third year?

Could you make contact with the uni? They can be very supportive and there are different types of accommodation that can suit different personalities. I have been impressed by the care one of my children in particular has received. Noisy halls was my experience years ago, but this hasn't been a problem for my two very quiet children. One is in a huge hall, divided into small flats, and noise is just not tolerated.

If she was not doing Uni but getting a job, would you also tell her she has to move out. Would you worry about her social life, then?

I'm worried that if she lives at home she's not going to have a proper social life at university and won't experience everything all the other students will.

This drives me crazy about British people. Super-protective as long as possible about their children, followed by complete switch to fervent belief that staying away from home is essential to get a socially "correct" university experience.

If she's unpleasant to live with, then sure, make her move out. Otherwise, yabu.

Does she have any friends that are in halls at the moment that she could visit to gauge whether it is something she would enjoy?

I had stayed with friends who were a year older a few times before I went to uni and I hated every aspect of it. I had no desire to share living space, drink every night etc.

Honestly, it did effect the relationships I made but I made a small group of good friends, who mostly also commuted in, and that suited me and my personality much more. We are all still in touch now and meet up a couple of times a year.

I didn’t have the ‘uni experience’ but I have never regretted even a single second of it. I would have been devastated if I had made the decision not to stay in halls but felt forced into by my parents.

I am a classic introvert but I don’t think you have to be in order to not want to move into halls. My DH is much more extrovert but he had no desire to move to halls (made no sense financially, was still able to go on nights out, loads of friends).

I’m an introvert and had terrible MH through school and 6th form. I moved out to halls, but my DM insisted that I live in the semi-catered halls rather than self-catered so that I would be forced to go with my flatmates and socialise. On the second day, they all went without me (fair enough, we were all new and didn’t fully know who everyone was/how many of us there were) but my anxious mind twisted it as ‘they all hate me’ and my first term was absolutely miserable as a result. I may as well have lived in self catered!

I wish more than anything that my DM had listened to me and let me do what I knew would be best for me. Who knows, maybe halfway through the semester a spot will come up in a coursemate’s halls and she’ll be begging to move into it!

I always think that by living at home people are massively missing out on the university experience and your opportunity to make friends is halved as you can only make course friends which some people don’t.

It depends on what you want your university experience to be! I went to uni, I stayed at home. I'm not massively social and didn't make a huge amount of freinds, but I got to know the people on my course and that was enough for me. I wasn't interested in going out drinking etc. For me that university experience I had was all I needed and more importantly it was all I wanted.

OP I think you need to go with what your DD needs, which is to stay at home, rather what you think she should be doing (staying at uni and making lots of freinds). The object of university is education, not socialising, and if a person isn't hugely social I have no idea why any parent would want to push them into something they are not comfortable with.

If there are any mental health issues you should be encouraging but not pushing and ultimately listen to what SHE wants. Ultimately uni IS about getting the degree whatever some people might say and it’s more important in this era of tuition fees and maintenance loans that she doesit the best way FOR HER.

Halls are hellish for some people. If she commutes she can still do the social life when she makes friends, go for a coffee/drink after lectures. She can get to know people at her pace rather than having to endure things like people being raucous down the corridor at 4am while she is trying to sleep. When she has made some good friends she can then try flat sharing in the second year if she wants to.

I live in a university city so there are absolutely loads of local kids that live at home and study locally. More than ever because of the financial issues. Many of them make friends in their first year and flat share for a bit.

As long as she doesn’t turn down the many social invitations she will get in the first few months, she will make friends whether she commutes or not, and can take the rest of it at her own pace.

I say all this as someone who was quiet and introverted at18. Teachers advised me in 6th form that I MUST go away to uni for my own self-confidence so I reluctantly applied to live away in halls in a different city. It was a disaster, I hated the whole experience and dropped out. The course may have been ok but I hardly noticed as I was so miserable with the rest of it and lack of sleep. My periods went haywire because of the stress.

I reapplied a year later and commuted to my nearest uni from home, made friends during that first year, moved out in second year and had a ball. I did it at MY pace.

YABU I think the worst thing that could happen is that she is so stressed with the changes moving into halls that it could affect her mental health again.That would have much more detrimental effects than her not having a full social life,she could end up leaving university because of it! That would have far reaching consequences on career choices and her self esteem for the future.
This ^^. And not only that but she'll also feel unsupported by her mother.

Don't make her move out. I work with students and moving into halls if they are like this can be detrimental to their mental health and uni work.

Please let her make her own mind up.

I'm introverted and find it difficult to make friends. My parents suggested I moved into halls at a university close enough to come back home and commute if I changed my mind. I spent a miserable couple of months living in halls, feeling totally isolated and lost, and not making any friends, before I made up my mind to move back home. I lived at home and commuted for the remainder of my course. I was 23 and had gone back to do a Masters degree before I felt confident enough to move out and live in halls.

If I hadn't been able to move back home and commute I'd have quit my course, because at 18 I simply couldn't cope on my own. If your daughter isn't ready to move out then I wouldn't push her. She'll know when she feels ready. Perhaps she could try what I did: move into halls at a nearby university with the option to come home and commute if she doesn't like it?

Thank you for the replies.

DD doesn't have diagnosed ASD but it was been mentioned in the past as a possibility by teachers or healthcare professionals. I've never chased it up or sought a diagnosis as DD does function relatively well.

Partly why I want her to move out is because before she wanted to move out. She said it sounded fun and that she would not more independence. Then something changed her mind.

I've spoken to her today and said she can do whatever she wants. Another option is she moves out into uni accommodation at the local uni and comes home however often she wishes. And she could always move back if she hated it.

Thank you for all the replies.