Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding gift cash - how much is enough?

85 replies

foxfox · 23/12/2017 20:41

Please help settle a disagreement with my DH...

We're off to a wedding next spring, and we're good friends with both the bride and groom. We're very happy to be attending the full day, but it's going to cost us in the region of £250 with the hotel room and travel. Then any drink on top of that. This isn't an issue, they're dear friends and it's all budgeted for. The stag and hen do's ran to around £200 for each, but again, we were happy to attend and pay that.

We're disagreeing on the gift. The wedding couple have asked for cash toward their honeymoon. Completely fine. Not what we did when we married, but our circumstances were different and we were setting up our first home together. They've been living together for years and have everything they need there.

So how much is 'enough'. Bearing in mind we've spent on the two party's and will be spending more on the day.

Thanks for any input!

OP posts:
user1499333856 · 23/12/2017 22:45

£50-£100

greeeen · 23/12/2017 22:46

We give £50 and received between £30-£100 from guests that gave cash gifts at our wedding.

SockUnicorn · 23/12/2017 23:12

£50 for couple and £100 if family invite is my rule

SleepyHeadThisTime · 23/12/2017 23:12

We asked for money when we got married dons tin hat and most people gave £20 - £30 which we felt was generous. We also loved the non cash presents people gave - we just asked for money as we didn't be want to end up with multiple homewear items to be unloaded to the nearest charity shop

expatinscotland · 23/12/2017 23:15

From what I read on MN I don't know how anyone in Ireland affords to go to multiple weddings, either that or they're all stonking rich.

StealthPolarBear · 23/12/2017 23:21

Helve tics Shock

expatinscotland · 23/12/2017 23:37

'We didn't specify anything but if anyone asked we just said to stick a few euros in a card for our honeymoon. Tbh - we were thrilled with anything we got!'

Well, yeah, because it's like, your third wedding each. And you were still telling people to hand you money for a holiday? [wow]

SoozC · 23/12/2017 23:40

I got married this year, we stated we didn't need gifts but people asked me about giving money anyway. Some people gave us £20, some £150 (from a large family group!). Some people gave us no gift at all. Some people gave us random gifts like salt and pepper shakers that we definitely didn't ask for but that's a different story. My photographer (family member) who did the photos for free even gave us money! He's getting a nice gift back; crazy guy, doing the photos was present enough!

All amounts were gratefully accepted. Anyone who gets annoyed at a wedding gift they receive is an idiot. We were just happy to see everyone on the day and had a lovely time.

MaMisled · 23/12/2017 23:44

I'd say 40 or 50

Splinterz · 23/12/2017 23:44

We're very happy to be attending the full day,

Rule of thumb is to cover your plates as bare minimum - so those that think 50 quid per couple is adequate, I assume the wedding breakfast is not being held in Nandos? it is a decent establishment and wine will be included?

£100

Milkandtwosugarsplease · 23/12/2017 23:44

Considering how much you’ve spent on everything else I think £50-100 depending on what you can afford. People don’t tend to have expectations so don’t stress it. Chances are they’re more fussed about your presence at their wedding rather than your gift.

SpyEye · 23/12/2017 23:55

I would say £100 for the gift for the two of you. If it was very close friends or family maybe more. However this all really depends on what you can afford to give. I personally believe all the other costs are irrelevant as you chose to go on the hen etc so don't think you can justify a cheaper gift because you've spent in other areas.

However at our wedding lots of full day guests brought very cheap gifts (a bottle of cheap champers for example) which probably cost around £25. Some have nothing at all. It's usually the better off more extravagant people who are tighter based on my experience.

mamamalt · 24/12/2017 00:14

What @TigerTown said. You cover yourself and then put gift on top.

treaclesoda · 24/12/2017 02:46

Rule of thumb is to cover your plates as bare minimum

It's a rule of thumb that I have never heard of anywhere else but on mumsnet. For one thing, why should someone who chooses a really extravagant wedding be more deserving of a bigger gift? It's like charging people to attend. It also sounds pretty tacky to me, to go sneaking about trying to find out how much someone has paid for the food at their wedding reception.

TigerTown · 24/12/2017 03:49

@treaclesoda definitely not just a mumsnet thing. DH is a Brit, I am not, and somehow both of us were taught this rule long before we’d heard of mumsnet.

To be fair I believe this rule predates modern weddings which often now involve guests traveling, spending on accommodation and several day long hen and stag dos.

I agree with a pp that attending hen/stag was your choice so I wouldn’t factor that into my gift. But if said wedding is being held in some place where the only option is to stay overnight as it would be impractical to travel back, then it’s fair to factor accommodation costs when considering how much you will give.

To spin your question on it’s head treacle - why should you get to attend a fancy party with usually a 3-5 course meal and unlimited wine/beer (standard wedding breakfast though I admit these days many people opt for more causal things) for £25 per head? You couldn’t possibly purchase/attend something like that for such a low cost any other time and these are supposedly people who are important to you.

At the end of the day though it comes down to what you can afford. The bride and groom usually roughly understand the financial situation of their guests and aren’t going to be expecting huge gifts from people who can’t afford them. If you are a reasonably well off couple though, yes they will appreciate any gift as we all should, but gifting to the value of £25 from a well off couple, when £25 is probably 1/3 of the cost of their plate, will seem a bit off

treaclesoda · 24/12/2017 04:14

To spin your question on it’s head treacle - why should you get to attend a fancy party with usually a 3-5 course meal and unlimited wine/beer (standard wedding breakfast though I admit these days many people opt for more causal things) for £25 per head?

Because you were invited? No one forces brides and grooms to put on lavish five course meals with unlimited free drink. Personally I've never been to a wedding that was like that anyway. But how do you even find out what 'covering your plate' might entail? You've no idea until you turn up on the day what you're being fed, how much drink you're being given etc. I just find it a really strange concept that someone would invite someone else to a party and expect the invited person to cover the cost of it.

But most of all, I'm uncomfortable at the idea that someone who doesn't have much disposable income is an awful person for being unable to afford to pay £100 or whatever. For the first few years of our marriage we had a run of bad luck and really struggled financially. It coincided with the time when lots of our friends were getting married and we were invited to wedding after wedding. None of our friends knew our difficult finances because that was private business. It's pretty crap to think some people would judge us as tight arses for not being able to cough up a wedding present that equated to a months groceries for us. I'm so glad 'covering your plate' is something I've never come across amongst my family and friends.

TigerTown · 24/12/2017 04:34

@treacle no bride & groom with any ounce of class ‘expect their guests to cover the cost of their wedding’ and definitely wouldn’t judge someone as an ‘awful person’ for not giving a substantial gift. I was just trying to explain the thinking behind the ‘cover your plate’ rule of thumb.

To answer your other q - It is not difficult to guess a rough ball park of what your plate will cost based on the venue for the wedding breakfast and whether or not drink is covered or if it’s a cash bar (information that is normally given on the invite or information sheet). Yes, you don’t know number of courses or the amount of drink being paid for etc, but it’s not hard to guess in the rough region.

To be honest the only thing that sticks out in my mind re my own wedding was a few couples who didn’t even us write us a card. We had a relatively small wedding and a range of guests from those who were very hard up to those who were quite affluent. Several people gave us no gift (totally fine as our wedding involved travel etc) and quite a few gave us a gift to the value of £5-£10 which were genuinely very grateful for (and had specially added items to our registry at that value, to give people the option of gifting at that value!).

To the OP - I would personally just consider what you can afford and indeed what you regularly spend. Do you regularly go a meal or a night out and spend £50, or do you spend more or less?

At the end of the day the bride and groom will be happy that you are there and if they have any class, will see any gift as a lovely gesture.

treaclesoda · 24/12/2017 04:44

To answer your other q - It is not difficult to guess a rough ball park of what your plate will cost based on the venue for the wedding breakfast and whether or not drink is covered or if it’s a cash bar (information that is normally given on the invite or information sheet).

Ah, this is where we're coming from very different starting points because I've never had anything like that in a wedding invitation. All I've ever had is 'you are invited to...' . No further information of any kind.

Tobebythesea · 24/12/2017 07:14

£50

greenapplesplatter · 24/12/2017 07:38

£100 family or friends full day invite
£50 colleague friend of friend full day
£30 evening invite only any relation

Be3Al2SiO36 · 24/12/2017 07:44

Anything less than £250 is shocking.

Seriously, £50 per person is fine. Imagine 75 heads X £50 is £3,750 so a great contribution to a honeymoon (which could be done for less).

MirandaWest · 24/12/2017 07:46

I didn't feel that people should in any way try to cover the cost of our wedding - it was our choice to get married and do it the way we did.

Also not sure how anyone would have worked out the cost; we hired a marquee and had caterers. We didn't give details of the caterers so how could anyone have worked it out? And we did have a free bar as we provided the drinks but much of that was nectar points and again we weren't looking for other people to pay for it.

ASAPFerg · 24/12/2017 08:00

I think less than £500 might be a bit embarrassing, but unless you're family I would limit it to £2,000

MsHarry · 24/12/2017 08:15

Rule of thumb is to cover your plates as bare minimum

No way! Never heard this, didn't cross my mind when I got married. i invited people to share our day . not pay for the privilege.

MsHarry · 24/12/2017 08:17

Quite happy to insult anyone who might expect that by 'only' giving £50. They wouldn't be worth my respect.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.