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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Christmas present

65 replies

Realjournal123 · 22/12/2017 23:27

I've been with my DP for 17 years and he's always needed cajoling into buying me a birthday/ Xmas gift, by myself, my stepchildren or my own young children. This year nobody has assisted him so I'm not getting a single thing from him even though I always buy him a thoughtful gift. Is this fair and is anyone else in a similar position or am I being sensitive?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 22/12/2017 23:28

Any possibility he’s keeping it as a surprise?

Original poster
Realjournal123 · 22/12/2017 23:29

No. And he's not planning to go out tomorrow either.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/12/2017 23:30

Is he the kind of man who does all the other stuff? Because although DH does buy me a present, I wouldn't really mind because he is kind, generous, loving and wonderful all the other days of the year.

I think sometimes the reason we put so much store in Christmas and birthday presents is because it's a 'sign' that the person really does love us, even though they treat us poorly. My exDH used to forget presents but he was kind of an arse 364 days a year.

LagunaBubbles · 22/12/2017 23:30

Lots of people will say it doesnt matter but it would to me.

fc301 · 22/12/2017 23:31

WHAT. A. TOSSER.

The whole western world buys gifts for those they care about. What part of that is he not getting?!!

RedDogsBeg · 22/12/2017 23:31

Can you take back for a refund whatever you have bought for him? If so, do so and spend the money on yourself. If not, make this the last time you spend time, thought and energy on buying him anything either from you or on behalf of the children.

ItsChristmoose · 22/12/2017 23:31

Some people are crap at this but I'd buy myself something really nice from the family account! I'd also feel a bit hurt that he couldn't do it just for my benefit.

Stop getting him gifts and each year spend that money on your own birthday.

Smurfy23 · 22/12/2017 23:33

Dont buy him anything in future. Hes in a win/win situation- getting something (im assuming he keeps your gift?) Without shelling out any money for you.

Id also buy myself something nice and pop it under the tree. Ideally from the joint account.

GreenTulips · 22/12/2017 23:34

Well looks like he'll have to make up for it in the sales!

It's thoughtless and unkind, but not unexpected!

Tell him his gift to you is a day off - he can cook clean and entertain

KC225 · 22/12/2017 23:34

It would matter to me. If it doesn't matter to him don't give him your 'thoughtful gift'.

The point is, he knows it matters to you and he doesn't care that will feel disappointed and let down.

Howsthings1234 · 22/12/2017 23:35

That's horrible and rude and thoughtless. I would be so hurt if my partner gave me nothing and then sat there opening their gifts. Sorry OP. If I were you I'd treat yourself to something as you deserve it.

stickytoffeevodka · 22/12/2017 23:37

I wouldn't get him anything either. Or, keep what you've bought but only give it to him if he gives you something.

But I'm petty. It would really upset me though.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/12/2017 23:41

Thing is even if he's 'nice' the rest of the year, he's not that nice. Because he's had to be 'cajoled' for 17 years into buying a present for OP, which means he knows perfectly well that being given a present matters to her. But he's not prepared to put himself out in the slightest to make her happy or at least avoid her being unhappy and feeling hurt. That's not nice behaviour.

Just out of interest, OP, why has no one else given him the annual kick up the arse to buy you a present, this year?

RedDogsBeg · 22/12/2017 23:44

I understand what you are saying MrsTerryPratchett, that you shouldn't need an occasion to show someone that we love them but to completely ignore all 'occasions' and in particular a day when everyone else, including the dh in this case, is opening presents how can anyone sit there knowing that they have not bought anything for their wife? It is not hard to buy a small, thoughtful gift, it doesn't need to cost the earth either. I think it is horrible behaviour and there are no excuses for it.

5foot5 · 22/12/2017 23:54

But what is his reaction when he is given gifts knowing he has not bought anything in return? I mean, does he not have the grace to look even a bit embarrassed?

Could you persuade a family member to mention in conversation "Oh and what did you get Realjournal123?" Then I am imagining the conversation pausing while everyone looks at him and you give a tinkly laugh and say "Don't be silly! He doesn't give gifts he only receives them" Basically shame. Him in front of family

nestletollhouse · 22/12/2017 23:55

What a wanker. Don't give him his present op. He sounds thoughtless and unkind.

Viviennemary · 22/12/2017 23:56

If you know he does this then I don't know why you're expecting anything. I don't like DH buying me presents as his choices are usually awful. So I get my own. It's how he behaves all the year round that counts. Not going out once a year to buy you a present.

Bowerbird5 · 22/12/2017 23:57

My DH is away. Announced that he hadn't bought me anything before he went. I haven't bothered. I suggested we had a weekend away instead.
It has happened quite a few times. I have stopped letting it upset me.

Passthecake30 · 22/12/2017 23:58

My dp and I don't exchange presents, but at least that's agreed between the two of us. If he is happy to receive one and not to give... then I'd give him nothing tbh

Gemini69 · 22/12/2017 23:59

If that's his reason... it's CRAP

ijustwannadance · 23/12/2017 00:01

This is just so bloody lazy. It just tells you that he can't be arsed and you're not worth the effort.
Don't give him anything for xmas.

Maelstrop · 23/12/2017 00:02

You need to tell him, OP. Don’t rant on here (well, do, actually, because we are very sympathetic!) but rant at him. He’s being a lazy twat.

cathyclown · 23/12/2017 00:08

Sorry for your disappointment op.

But for future reference agree to NO presents at Christmas and a lovely day out in January instead jointly paid for including babysitting fees.

So much more enjoyable I think. But that's just me.

Original poster
Realjournal123 · 23/12/2017 00:12

I asked my youngest if he had bought me anything and she said he hasn't. She then took all of her present money out shopping and has bought me something so that I have a gift to open. It really hurts me. I've done so much for him like you wouldn't believe. I actually told my girls not force him into buying something this year as I wanted to see if he actually thinks it's acceptable not to give even a token gift. I hate to admit it but it's really upset me.

OP posts:
Littlehenrylee · 23/12/2017 00:21

Use the time and money you spend on him into buying yourself a nice thoughtful gift. Do not buy him one or if that would make you feel bad, just buy him something small and handy to get so he can open something but it won't' have taken you any effort to do.

Sometimes the more time and effort put into something can make us think we are 'owed' the same in return and when that doesn't happen, we feel disappointment.

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