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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Christmas present

65 replies

Realjournal123 · 22/12/2017 23:27

I've been with my DP for 17 years and he's always needed cajoling into buying me a birthday/ Xmas gift, by myself, my stepchildren or my own young children. This year nobody has assisted him so I'm not getting a single thing from him even though I always buy him a thoughtful gift. Is this fair and is anyone else in a similar position or am I being sensitive?

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 23/12/2017 00:28

I'm not surprised it has really upset you OP. Your youngest sounds very thoughtful and caring and clearly takes after you.

Have you talked about this before? If so, what does he say?

Don't give him anything and don't bother in the future either, he spares no thought on you why should you spare any on him?

keepingonrunning · 23/12/2017 00:30

It would upset me too. He doesn't care about you to even buy you a single thing.
How is your relationship generally? Is he paying into your "joint bank account of goodwill" in other ways? Maybe it's time for a stocktake.

SunshinenSparkles · 23/12/2017 00:32

My DP is exactly the same. He never gets me a gift or card for birthday or xmas unless someone in my family makes a point of coaxing him or I get something and tell him my present is sorted. He is generally thoughtless at home. He's great with doing anything for anyone else though, it's just at home, he stops all effort, thought and empathy.

SunshinenSparkles · 23/12/2017 00:33

Oh and we've been together for 15 years and if anything it has got worse over the years.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2017 00:37

I would hold back his gift just on case he has bought you something without telling ypir kids and only give of you receive. Otherwise return it and spend it on yourself. Whose birthday is first?

BrownLiverSpot · 23/12/2017 00:37

Sounds hurtful OP, and from your description a continuation of selfish behaviour from his part.

willstarttomorrow · 23/12/2017 00:46

Late DP was a bit like this. My birthday is just after xmas and I remember having a hissy fit on the last birthday before he died because nothing nice was planned and he had just gone out and bought a reduced (but nice) gift set in the sales. I think it mattered at the time because I put so much effort and thought into gifts, not just for DP but all his family. He was famously shit at presents. Looking back he was a wonderful partner and husband, very generous it lots of ways. We got a bit skint and he had other commitments. Just before he died we had paid off the mortgage and I was promised a big ski holiday for a big birthday. Ended up paying for that myself in the circumstances!

KC225 · 23/12/2017 01:50

If your youngest knows he hasn't bought you anything, one would assume your youngest ASKED him - which makes it worse. So he wasn't cajoled but there was a reminder of 'sorts' he just chose not to be bothered. That would really upset me. It's mean of spirit and that is the worst kind of mean.

All those saying they are not bothered, they don't swap gifts or choose to go out - they are mutual decisions.

Cantuccit · 23/12/2017 03:05

Return his present if he has nothing for you. Why martyr yourself?

angelcat3 · 23/12/2017 03:17

He's a tosser. If you've already got his gift, get your money back and spend it on yourself. He's set the benchmark by not getting you anything. He shouldn't need to be prompted by anyone. When are these fucking men gonna start taking responsibility and thinking for themselves eh?

AstridWhite · 23/12/2017 03:26

Well even a gift token would be a ridiculous thing to get your own wife.

In your shoes I would not give him his present and in future I would not buy him anything at all, but choose something lovely for yourself, from yourself, wrap it up and open it on Christmas morning and say 'Thank you RealJournal that is exactly what I wanted.'

Frillyhorseyknickers · 23/12/2017 03:26

I hope he feels like a massive knob in front of your children when you have nothing to open on Christmas Day. What a shit example for his kids, I’m sorry I would be really upset with that. X

TammySwansonTwo · 23/12/2017 03:50

I suppose this guy has a job- I wonder how long he'd manage to keep that if colleagues or his boss had to keep reminding him to do to the most simple and obvious repeated tasks for nearly 20 years.

It's not like anniversaries and birthdays - at this time of year, there's no way he can forget that it's Christmas and that means gifts for your loved ones. I'm sure all of his family's gifts and cards are bought and sent by you too?

It's just so disrespectful and lazy. I would be telling him so, and pointing out the effect that his inability to be a loving husband is having on your children and their future relationships.

Gaudeamus · 23/12/2017 04:07

Do you understand why he's not getting you anything? Does he do presents for other people? Is he normally kind and thoughtful? Gifts on special occasions are a strong tradition so deciding not to do them seems very much a deliberate statement, but it's not possible from the information given to determine what he's trying to say.

LolitaLempicka · 23/12/2017 05:00

Have you told him to get you something? I know you shouldn't have to, but some people really really don't care much for presents. My DH is the most thoughtful present giver ever. But it wasn't always this way, I told him categorically just how important it was that he selected me a thoughtful gift.. I don't want expensive gifts, but I do like thought. His family don't do gifts, which I actually think is preferable, but if you place importance on gifts (as I stupidly do) then tell him it is really hurtful that he makes no effort.

Mustang27 · 23/12/2017 05:59

I'd be upset too, your daughter sounds lovely. I'm not sure how you deal with it except wait until you get nothing then tell him how hurt you are that he hasn't even thought about you. Do you think it will make a difference though after 17yrs? Does he put any emphasis on gifts he would like at this time of year?

BackInTheRoom · 23/12/2017 06:05

@Realjournal123

People used to say to me 'go and treat yourself instead' and for years I just didn't get it because I 'gave' for so many years I wasn't used to being nice to myself? NOW I get it! You're worth it OP! Go buy yourself something nice, maybe a pandora charm if you've got a bracelet? Maybe some nice perfume, but just something that makes you feel worth it. Forget expecting your DH will suddenly change because he ain't gonna!

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/12/2017 06:30

I agree with Bibidee. You are looking for your partner to recognise you and you aren’t recognising yourself. Get yourself a nice present, wrap it up with ribbons and trimmings and open it with love on Christmas Day. Open it in front of him and make it clear you think he’s an arse for getting you nothing.

Your dd sounds lovely. But she shouldn’t be rescuing you like this.

Is he generous in other ways? I don’t think I could be with a man, who didn’t acknowledge me in this way.

BarbarianMum · 23/12/2017 06:36

No, don't sit there on Christmas Day and give him "a thoughtful gift". Give him absolutely jack shit. Even better if you find time to buy yourself a thoughtful gift to open in front of him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/12/2017 06:40

If you know you're not getting a present from him, then don't give him one from you either.
I'd hang on to it until after Christmas, just in case, but I sure as hell wouldn't give it to him if he had nothing for me.

Your DD sounds lovely - shame you've got a selfish-arse man who can't be arsed to do something thoughtful for you on ONE (ok, two if you count your birthday as wel) day in the year - just horrible.

Mine has to be reminded - he was never brought up to think of buying presents, his mother never got presents for mothers' day or her birthday (not sure about Christmas) because his dad never bought them. I sorted that out. But he still expects ME to do the donkey work wherever possible because it's somehow wifework, not big Man Work to do it. Hmm

So I mostly buy my own presents now anyway and then, if I can be bothered, I'll give them to him or the boys (10 and 5) to wrap up for me.

I'd be pissed off in your position too. :(

GuntyMcGee · 23/12/2017 06:50

The only thing I'd be giving this guy for Christmas is divorce papers.

Not even getting off his arse to buy a token gift is the height of disrespect and disregard for your feelings.

What an arsehole

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 23/12/2017 07:00

I would probably go for a no presents rule and buy yourself something instead. It doesn't sound as if he will suddenly transform into 'thoughtful present buyer'. In future if you do give any presents to him then make them 'house presents' - oh a vacuum cleaner dh, you will enjoy having a clean house won't you. Then any money which you would have spent on a vacuum cleaner you can spend on yourself.

TammySwansonTwo · 23/12/2017 09:14

Who needs reminding at Christmas though? You can't forget - there's literally a giant reminder in your lounge for nearly a month. Presents everywhere. You can't feign forgetfulness at Christmas for your own spouse.

Giftdilema · 23/12/2017 09:21

My exh was like this. Birthdays and Christmas I got nothing, not even a card on my birthday. And yet each Christmas he sat and opened his gifts and didn't feel any shame. I even got him something from my children when I left like a mug.

DianaT1969 · 23/12/2017 10:17

Please don't give him a gift. That devalues you further. I understand why you are upset. I would be too. Is there something you'd like? Wrap it for yourself and put it under the tree. Open it in front of him. Even better, wrap 17 small gifts for yourself.
Another poster asked if he is a good partner in other ways. If he isn't, then this can be your last year of feeling disappointed, resentful and undervalued.

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