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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think it odd that my friend has never had her child on Christmas day?

52 replies

MardyMarie · 21/12/2017 22:50

My best friend has a ten year old DD. She left her abusive husband when DD was 1. My friend has no family at all, whereas her ex has a lovely big family, so the first Christmas they separated he had her from Dec 23rd - 27th. The following year my friend met her partner who works in the emergency services and so often on Christmas day. My friend offered that their DD spend Christmas with her dad for the same dates, and has done every year since. They have Christmas a few days early or late, depending on school and her husband's shifts. When she mentioned this the other day, our other friends were horrified that she never spends actual Christmas day with her DD and thought her DD would feel unwanted when she was older. Personally, I think she's been pretty selfless as it means she spends Christmas day alone but her DD gets the best of both worlds. What do you think?

OP posts:
Eatingwormswithwine · 21/12/2017 22:52

They still have Christmas. It’s only a date. I think this is ok

Greenshoots1 · 21/12/2017 22:54

I don't think its anyone elses business. Christmas day alone is fine, and her DD has developed other traditions

Tessliketrees · 21/12/2017 22:54

thought her DD would feel unwanted when she was older

It never ceases to amaze me how people can take one bit of information about a parent and extrapolate that onto their whole relationship with their child.

Twatbags.

ILoveDolly · 21/12/2017 22:56

I think she has been more than generous. They just let their dd celebrate Christmas twice with two families.

ClaryFray · 21/12/2017 22:58

Twatbags indeed. Her DD will remember the feelings, and memories. Not the date they happened.

When I was little I remember the presents, people and warm feeling. Coulda been September for all I knew! Stop judging!

Bambamber · 21/12/2017 23:03

I think she's doing what she feels is best for her child.

This way her child gets to spend Christmas surrounded by lots of family. She also gets to essentially have 2 christmases. Other people should butt out

KC225 · 21/12/2017 23:06

I think your friend sounds like a fantastic mum. Knowing her ex has a massive family Christmas and she could never offer the same she puts her daughter first. Her daughter gets to celebrate a mum Christmas at some point. I don't see the problem. I would love to think I would be that generous under the same circumstances

MissWimpyDimple · 21/12/2017 23:08

I pretty much do the same. My DD would just be with me here, so she goes to her dad where there are other children and we do Christmas on another day.

scrabbler3 · 21/12/2017 23:10

Your "other friends" sound like halfwits. She's clearly too good for them. I hope you told them how silly they're being, and meant it.

WhooooAmI24601 · 21/12/2017 23:12

Wow what a selfless person your friend is.

shinysinkredemption · 21/12/2017 23:14

You're right, she is being selfless, she and her partner can do an amazing and important job on Christmas day if need be and her DD is getting a joyful family filled Christmas plus another Christmas celebration that suits your friend as and when. She is more likely to grow up full of admiration and pride for her mum than feel unwanted!

shinysinkredemption · 21/12/2017 23:16

Sorry just clicked that its the partner that does emergency service work not your friend - I still think it's admirable.

GrrrHotdogs · 21/12/2017 23:22

I don't see anything wrong with it at all.

Choccogoingcuckoo · 21/12/2017 23:26

Maybe your friend really struggles emotionally at Christmas time with having no family and feels this arrangement is best for her and her child. It's a hard time of year for some.

WildRosesGrow · 21/12/2017 23:29

Some people are more into Christmas than others. I've almost never had my daughter at New Year, as she usually goes to stay with her Gran (ex's Mum). I don't like New Year, it makes me maudlin so don't celebrate but she has a nice time with the other side of her family.

Try not to be judgemental, I can't see why it would make the child feel unwanted.

StarWarsFanatic · 21/12/2017 23:31

I don't think there is anything wrong with it. The dc is getting to an age where if she has issues with it she will probably tell your friend and they can look into it but I think your other friends should butt out tbh.

Livness12 · 21/12/2017 23:42

I think it probably comes down to how much importance people place on the specific date a lot too. It sounds like it's working for your friend and her DD, and that's all that should matter for her other friends!

My step-brother's ex-partner has never 'let/wanted' him to have his son on Christmas Day, so their 'family' celebration has always been on Boxing Day (or this year, on Christmas Eve) - proper Christmas dinner, presents, everything. It works for them, everyone's happy with it!

LoopyLou1981 · 21/12/2017 23:51

Nope! At 36 I still have ‘Xmas day’ with my dad and his family the weekend before Xmas. Everyone’s happy and my kids think it’s great because they get two christmases!x

Moanaohnana · 22/12/2017 00:11

Does she have kids with the new partner? That would massively change things for me if she was celebrating with kids at home but not her DD.

As it stands - well I guess it depends how the DD feels about it. As long as she's happy it should be fine, though I can imagine a situation where she looks back and doesn't understand why her mum never 'wanted' to spend Christmas together.

Originalfoogirl · 22/12/2017 00:16

Not odd at all. If it suits their family dynamic, that’s what is important.

Anyone else who has a problem with is can butt out.

Tessliketrees · 22/12/2017 00:28

That would massively change things for me if she was celebrating with kids at home but not her DD

Why?

SpareASquare · 22/12/2017 00:29

As a single parent, I've always felt bad that my children don't get to do the big family Christmas they used to. Anything we do is small as I have a really small family.
I see nothing wrong with your friends actions. Nothing at all. What a great mum she is. And yes, selfless. Not that it matters what anyone else thinks btw

RebelRogue · 22/12/2017 00:35

Your friends should butt out. As long as everyone's happy, it's not anyone's business and they definitely shouldn't judge a mum doing her best for her kid.

TakeMe2Insanity · 22/12/2017 05:01

It never ceases ro amaze me how muxh pressure people put on christmas day. Her daughter must feel loved the rest of the time by her mother and they do celebrate just on another day.

LeaveAllThisToYesterday · 22/12/2017 07:50

That would massively change things for me if she was celebrating with kids at home but not her DD

I think that's a fair comment. My Dad never invited me to Christmas at his, preferred to have his wife and their DC. So I felt actively excluded from the family. There's no suggestion of this in the OP - OP's friend has Christmas on another day with both DP and DD, so she is part of the main celebration in that family. A nice way of finding the best solution in a complicated situation.

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