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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think it odd that my friend has never had her child on Christmas day?

52 replies

MardyMarie · 21/12/2017 22:50

My best friend has a ten year old DD. She left her abusive husband when DD was 1. My friend has no family at all, whereas her ex has a lovely big family, so the first Christmas they separated he had her from Dec 23rd - 27th. The following year my friend met her partner who works in the emergency services and so often on Christmas day. My friend offered that their DD spend Christmas with her dad for the same dates, and has done every year since. They have Christmas a few days early or late, depending on school and her husband's shifts. When she mentioned this the other day, our other friends were horrified that she never spends actual Christmas day with her DD and thought her DD would feel unwanted when she was older. Personally, I think she's been pretty selfless as it means she spends Christmas day alone but her DD gets the best of both worlds. What do you think?

OP posts:
stella23 · 22/12/2017 07:53

Your friend rocks. What an example to set her child

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 22/12/2017 07:56

It’s just a date, lots of people spend Christmas apart from their children due to working.

swingofthings · 22/12/2017 07:58

Your friend and partner probably don't care much about Christmas themselves and only put an effort for DD before. They are much happier without the pressure of the build up to the day and the day itself and your friend is probably happy and relieved that her DD gets to spend a great day with her dad's family. Seems like a perfect match to me.

I don't like Xmas for many reasons and only go with the motions to appease everyone. I can't wait until I don't have to pretend anymore and I can just go away, enjoying how relax I get to finally be.

Not everyone embrace the concept of Xmas.

ImogenTubbs · 22/12/2017 08:05

I think that sounds like a good arrangement. If it works for them - hurrah.

Trills · 22/12/2017 08:07

Your friend is behaving perfectly sensibly and very unselfishly.

Christmas with her dad will be much much better on the actual day because there are lots of other people involved.

Christmas with her mum can be its best any day they choose to put it on.

Yet I'm sure many mums would insist on having "the actual day" half of the years.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 22/12/2017 08:08

You could invite your friend to your house for Christmas Day if she’s alone?

Deemail · 22/12/2017 08:17

Is your friend happy to spend the day alone? Is the dd happy to go?
While I agree your friend is been selfless and doubt it's going to have any negative effect on her child I wonder why she's chosen not to prioritise her self having her dd on Christmas day just sometimes?
You mention the ex has a lovely big family, does your friend think it's nicer for her dd to have this sort of celebration rather than a quiet one on their own? Maybe she feels the Christmas she'd provide would fall short and she has to "allow" her daughter to go in order to have a proper Christmas

I'm not sure I'd like to form a life long habit where my kids never spent Christmas with me even if it's for the right reasons.

LakieLady · 22/12/2017 08:22

I have a friend who never spends Christmas with her daughter. She has joint residence with her ex, one week at each house. Every year for the 8 years since they split up, Christmas falls on "his" week.

Her daughter is now in her teens and wants the court order changed so that Christmas alternates. Her father won't agree, so my friend is going to try and apply to the court herself (no legal aid for this). I recklessly volunteered to help her with the forms...

Glumglowworm · 22/12/2017 08:22

Would you be judging her the same if she was a man who never saw his child on Christmas Day? Cause plenty don’t

As long as DD is happy what does it matter?

Original poster
MardyMarie · 22/12/2017 08:34

No, she isn't celebrating without her - she's alone while her husband is at work. She's pregnant but plans to continue to celebrate on a different day with both children when her husband isn't working. Her DD is happy because there's lots of children in her dad's family to play With.

OP posts:
ptumbi · 22/12/2017 08:34

I'm always amazed at how much importance people put on CHRISTMAS DAY! Some cultures do christmas on christmas eve you know! Shock Some don't do it at all.

Personally, I think so long as her dd gets to spend christmas with family and also to get to see her mum the rest of the time, I think that's fine!

I've read on here that some mothers would just die if they weren't with their children on THE DAY!

(And then there is my toxic sister, who goes on a month long holiday in Dec with DH, leaving her (not his) kids at home (from the ages of 15 and 16) and DM to look after them/see them at christmas/do the Meal and Presents with them. This is one reason my DM simply can;t come to me at christmas (she's alone) because she is 'looking after' Toxic sister's kids Angry)

Viviennemary · 22/12/2017 08:39

Your friend has come to an arrangements which is good for everyone that matters. Far better than a row every year about what should happen and one parent thinks they've more entitlement than the other. Dreadful.

sailorcherries · 22/12/2017 08:41

If everyone is happy it's no one else's business.

Would your friends make the same comment if this friend was a man and never saw his child on Christmas day?

Splinterz · 22/12/2017 08:44

An acquaintance of mine and his now ex wife split up. He generously said the children should wake up in their own bedrooms on Christmas Morning and he would have them on Boxing day, there was also a similar arrangement about New Year.

After about 10 years I twigged this wasn't done for the children at all, it was a control mechanism over the ex wife, she couldn't go out xmas eve or NYE but he could go out on the lash and on the pull. I put this to him and he smirked and said 'and women go aww and think I'm wonderful'

He was a nasty piece of work.

Enko · 22/12/2017 08:49

My friend has a similar set up though it was done as she wanted to take a position overseas and take their dd with her. He agreed if he could have x amount of holidays and Christmas + newyear each year. In practice he only tends to keep her for NY every 2nd year. Friend and DD celebrate their Christmas when DD returns.

Friend told me it was worth it to have her dd with her in her dream job.

I think it is perfectly fine. I never celebrated Christmas with my father from age 5 to 28 due to my parents divorce. Didn't made me grow up to feel unwanted.

diddl · 22/12/2017 08:51

I can see how she thinks that being with a lot of family rather than just her & her daughter might be better.

That said, from 23-27th-it's not likely that it's all the family for all of that time & the father & daughter maybe have some quiet time together on Christmas Day?

In future though if her new partner isn't working, he might want to do Christmas on the Day as a family with his child?

PinkyBlunder · 22/12/2017 08:52

Sounds good to me. Everyone wins, especially since her partner is probably working Christmas Day most years which can be miserable. In Germany they have their ‘day’ on Christmas Eve and no one dies from the shock.

diddl · 22/12/2017 08:58

I think that Christmas Day in Germany is similar to UK. People get together & have a Christmas meal. It's just that presents have been exchanged the day before!

gabsdot · 22/12/2017 09:02

My BIL never has his kids on Christmas day. They come on 26th instead. Everyone is happy.

EndofSummer · 22/12/2017 09:09

I’ve been your friend. Left my angry ex when our child was a baby, but let him have all the Christmases up until he was 10. Nine years of Christmas.

I was once judged by my now DHs Family for this. I couldn’t believe they’d think I was neglectful to my son! Of course I’d want him for Christmas. It’s the best time of year. I missed him every single time but I did it because I was being unselfish, I felt bad for his Dad as I thought I have him all the time.

On the other side, your friend, like me, is being too unselfish here and letting her child see that. I suddenly realised, after my brother had a word with me, that I was still putting myself second and also my role as a mum second, and my sons need to spend special occasions with me last. In short, get your friend to stand up for her own needs more as her DD does need to see her doing this.

So I started doing alternate years. I didn’t realise how much my son wanted to spend Christmas with me too.

PinkyBlunder · 22/12/2017 09:15

Diddl we used to have our Christmas lunch at dinner time (usually goose) on Christmas Eve and exchange presents. Then on Christmas Day we’d have a buffet sort of thing. Friends and family on both days. Boxing Day didn’t really exist. Not had Christmas in Germany for quite some time now though and we do it the English way.

UrgentScurryfunge · 22/12/2017 09:15

If she's genuinely happy with that arrangement then great.

If she's doing it to pacify an abusive ex-partner and putting herself in second place, that's not great.

It's the feelings that matter more than the date.

gamerwidow · 22/12/2017 09:22

I think your friend is being genuinely selfless. She’s allowing her daughter the consistency of having her big traditional Christmas Day with all her extended family plus she’s giving her at extra Christmas at home.
It would benefit her daughter far less to insist she gives up her usual Christmas celebrations just because she wants her there.

Hopeful103 · 22/12/2017 09:30

Your friend sounds like a great mum, she's putting her dd first. And they do Xmas as well just a few days early. Other people need to keep out of it. How nasty to make her feel bad about that.

BeyondAssignation · 22/12/2017 09:38

People put so much weight on Christmas (And I don't mean mass Grin )

If it works for them, then great. I have a friend who shares xmases 50:50 with her ex, her kids are now mostly grown up and it's worked brilliantly for them. Another friend upset her recently with the "well I just couldn't be without my kids at Xmas". She has had the monopoly on xmas and the kids dads just have to shut up and put up.

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