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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to wrap my DD up and take her away

86 replies

Sunflowersforever · 20/12/2017 19:47

Not sure if posting in the right place, but I'm desperate with worry. DD is being bullied. She is 12 and in first year of high school. The bullying started a few weeks ago, but has now escalated like some sort of virus where she is being excluded by friends, older kids making nasty comments and people throwing things at her. It's like it has become the school sport! She never had problems at primary school, so this is a new and frightening experience. She has left school the last two days in tears to come home as it became unbearable. School have been mixed and slow in their response, in my opinion, though I know I need to give them time but it's only through my pushing that they have talked to some of the ring leaders and now looking at a buddy system. DD is alone at breaks and lunch and hiding in the playground so no one can pick on her. I'm stressing hugely and am ready to move her to a new school in 2018 if something doesn't change, but am I over-reacting? Do these things really turn around as the school suggests? DD isn't eating and looks like a poor waif. Anyone know of kids sticking it out and it working out? DH says to leave her where she is and it will blow over, but her red eyes and shaking are breaking me. Fuck, why is this happening.

OP posts:
AnaWinter · 20/12/2017 19:53

Your poor Dd. I am so sorry this is happening. I have no experience of this but hell would freeze over before I would let her step foot in that school again. The school clearly are not handling it correctly.

AnaWinter · 20/12/2017 19:54

And no I wouldn’t give it time if my daughter was that upset. A few weeks of daily bullying by groups is torture.

AnaWinter · 20/12/2017 19:55

I would give her a big hug tonight and tell her she is never going back to that school.

DeStijl · 20/12/2017 19:58

Sad This made me want to cry. I can't imagine how worried you are.
My knee-jerk reaction is to say don't send her back.. I would want to take my child out of there and never let them be subjected to that again but I know it's not easy to do that.
Flowers

Original poster
Sunflowersforever · 20/12/2017 19:59

Thanks Ana. Problem I have is DD wants to stay at the school as she is hoping it will get better, and I think she worries it will happen again at a new school. School are going to try mediation group tomorrow to ask her 'friends' to take on a protective role. Think this is the last hope before we break.

OP posts:
lljkk · 20/12/2017 20:00

do you have a clue what triggered this?

Ansumpasty · 20/12/2017 20:01

Sad I'd be looking into moving her into a new school ASAP

anothersuitcase · 20/12/2017 20:03

This is so awful. My heart breaks for her, god knows what you're going through. Try and talk to her over Christmas while she's away from them and let her know she can tell you anything and you are there for her. Let her know there are options, that she will never be forced to stay in a situation that's making her unhappy. Hugs.

foxyloxy78 · 20/12/2017 20:07

I agree with others. Would definitely transfer her to another school. She's not eating and her health both mental and physical will suffer. You need to nip this now.

Rainybohoho · 20/12/2017 20:07

Your poor DD. You must both be so worried. If she really wants to keep trying, I would put a half term time limit on it and then move her.

FWIW my DB has a similar experience at secondary transition, was moved schools and thrived in the new one.

Original poster
Sunflowersforever · 20/12/2017 20:08

She posted a comment on social media that some girls then twisted and added a spin to making it look like she was criticising a popular boy who was seriously ill a few years ago. She posted a clarification straightaway and apologised for any confusion, but it was like the floodgates opening and random people piling in. That seems to have been the big trigger.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowersforever · 20/12/2017 20:10

Thank you Rainy, that gives me hope. The school seem to have a 'this happens all the time' approach and to stay calm.

OP posts:
ApocalypseNowt · 20/12/2017 20:13

Oh your poor DD. I'd be in the school every day tbh. Swift decisive action needs to be taken.

At the same time can you look into other schools? Your DD may feel 'better the devil you know' and be hoping it will blow over if she keeps her head down but it's worth thinking about contingencies in the meantime even if you never need them.

Hope you get it sorted soon OP Flowers

MrTrebus · 20/12/2017 20:14

Move her, its not going to be any worse is it? And take her off social media, it is the devil for this age group.

Happinessfinder · 20/12/2017 20:14

I would want to speak to these bullies myself hang around at the end of the day and figure out who they are and speak to their parents. That’s probably terrible advice though but I would let my presence be felt......i did this to some kids who were picking on my ds. Went up as nice as anything saying hi kids do you know who it was who might have been unkind to my son as I’m contacting the police about it and needed a name. They looked horrified and then said eeer I don’t know it wasn’t us. I then replied with a smile oh ok would you mind looking out for him I would be very grateful and let me know if you see anyone being unkind. The bullying stopped. Most kids who are bullies are reacting to something in their own life. In my case these kids were a bit neglected I ended up feeling sorry for them.

ApocalypseNowt · 20/12/2017 20:14

Xpost

The school seem to have a 'this happens all the time' approach

^ that seems like a worrying and shitty attitude.

User45632874 · 20/12/2017 20:18

I would seriously consider moving your dd to another school, if these new measures are not effective. I had this happen to me when I started secondary school and it lasted for years and for various reasons I did not tell my parents and tried to ride it out but it really damaged my self esteem. Looking back the best thing to do would have been to have changed schools x

Original poster
Sunflowersforever · 20/12/2017 20:19

I'm speaking to another school on Friday, where she knows a few people, and arranging to have a confidential chat about what has happened and what their approach would be to settling her in if it comes to that. I think tomorrow morning and the mediation chat is critical and then what people are like at the first break.

OP posts:
KCWW · 20/12/2017 20:19

Your poor girl. I would move my own DD like a shot in that situation, but we have plenty of schools to choose from around us. I agree with pp about getting rid of all social media. Awful.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 20/12/2017 20:28

Your poor dd. My heart is breaking for you both.

I would be looking at another school tbh. The school have not done enough to help. She is only 12 and still young enough to start fresh and make new friends.

ApocalypseNowt · 20/12/2017 20:30

Glad to hear you're talking to another school.

I empathise with a PP. I was bullied horrendously at secondary but never told my parents (for various reasons). My DD's are only little at the moment but I'm very aware of the potential problems that can happen in schools. It's great your DD is talking to you - you sound lovely.

Having a potential exit strategy sounds like an extremely sensible thing to do.

Hope you and your DD have a good christmas and a fresh start to the new year (wherever that might be).

Splinterz · 20/12/2017 20:33

That gossip needs to be confronted - because SM gossip will follow her to a new school.

blankpieceofpaper · 20/12/2017 20:35

What country are you in? Do your school have an anti-bullying policy?

Cath2907 · 20/12/2017 20:37

Would Move her immediately.

sothatdidntwork · 20/12/2017 20:37

"Your DD may feel 'better the devil you know' "

Have posted about this on a couple of threads I think - the problem is that it is very rare for an unhappy dc to want to leave a school, as there is always something (one friend, or even just one person who will be civil to them) that makes them think the new school could be even worse.

So the dparents stick it out for half a term hoping it will improve, and then another half, then another, and then fairly soon it is too close to gCSEs to move, and you are left wishing you had done so at the outset.

So I'm not saying 'definitely move her now against her wishes' (though that is worth consideration given this level of bullying) - but bear in mind that you may at some point decide you need to insist at her age.

Many many sympathies, what an awful situation.