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Original poster

to want to wrap my DD up and take her away

86 replies

Sunflowersforever · 20/12/2017 19:47

Not sure if posting in the right place, but I'm desperate with worry. DD is being bullied. She is 12 and in first year of high school. The bullying started a few weeks ago, but has now escalated like some sort of virus where she is being excluded by friends, older kids making nasty comments and people throwing things at her. It's like it has become the school sport! She never had problems at primary school, so this is a new and frightening experience. She has left school the last two days in tears to come home as it became unbearable. School have been mixed and slow in their response, in my opinion, though I know I need to give them time but it's only through my pushing that they have talked to some of the ring leaders and now looking at a buddy system. DD is alone at breaks and lunch and hiding in the playground so no one can pick on her. I'm stressing hugely and am ready to move her to a new school in 2018 if something doesn't change, but am I over-reacting? Do these things really turn around as the school suggests? DD isn't eating and looks like a poor waif. Anyone know of kids sticking it out and it working out? DH says to leave her where she is and it will blow over, but her red eyes and shaking are breaking me. Fuck, why is this happening.

OP posts:
TwinklyGiraffe · 20/12/2017 20:39

I hope you get it sorted out quickly and wish your daughter much happiness in the future.

Original poster
Sunflowersforever · 20/12/2017 20:42

Thank you all for the supportive comments. As some of you say, this can leave scars that impact for years. So sorry others have had this experience. We live in Scotland, and have asked the school to implement their own anti-bullying policy and quoted it to them. DH is again telling me (gently) to calm down and it will blow over. I will update on how tomorrow goes. Wouldn't it be great if this could turn into a 'look how it turned out fine' thread praying it does

OP posts:
meredintofpandiculation · 20/12/2017 20:43

During secondary years your DD will be learning a lot about how to relate to people. She can't do that if she's being socially excluded. I was socially excluded during my secondary years, and although I am reasonably interesting career and good friends and family, my adult life is a car crash of inappropriate interactions (and I could have achieved more had I had better interpersonal skills) . So no, you're not over-reacting.

It's not her fault. there's nothing she could have done to prevent this. She isn't a swot, or stupid, or ugly, or uncool. It's just bad luck. She needs to know this - if you're the only one being singled out for this treatment, it's easy to feel like a freak.

quizqueen · 20/12/2017 20:45

If she does move school, tell her to avoid all social media; it's the plague of this century.

LemonysSnicket · 20/12/2017 20:47

Took a good year for it to ‘turn around’ for me. I’ve had apologies from the perpetrators now we’re adults but at the time it was horrific. I would give it a week and then I’m sorry but I would pull her and give her the option of another school. Wish to god my parents had given me that option.

LemonysSnicket · 20/12/2017 20:49

Oh god, I hate bloody HS politics ... every damn word becomes twisted into drama. Poor kid.

Happinessfinder · 20/12/2017 20:49

For some reason I didn’t see your comment about how social media is involved. Please get her off that and monitor any phone and emails in case any bullying is filtering through. The social media aspect is worrisome especially at this age. Tell her she never has to go back if she doesn’t want to.

sothatdidntwork · 20/12/2017 20:49

"She needs to know this - if you're the only one being singled out for this treatment, it's easy to feel like a freak."

Yes I agree with this - and in fact it's arguable that when you have a large group of people in a confined environment it's quite predictable that one person will be singled out - nothing to do with them, but because of group dynamics requiring one person to be the outsider. But it is very difficult to believe that when you are that person.

fantasmasgoria1 · 20/12/2017 20:50

No matter how much my mum went into school to talk about me being bullied it never stopped from primary to end of secondary school. It seriously has had a profound effect on my life. My two previous long term relationships were extremely abusive and my mental health is poor. I would totally remove her from the school it seems like it’s affecting her quite a lot.

Original poster
Sunflowersforever · 20/12/2017 20:50

If she does move school, tell her to avoid all social media; it's the plague of this century.

Absolutely. 24/7

Lemony, that is what I'm getting from this thread. That people wish their parents had stepped in.

OP posts:
LemonysSnicket · 20/12/2017 20:53

Maybe a couple of weeks to really test if it does.

mirime · 20/12/2017 20:57

Another one bullied in school here. It's horrendous, and with hindsight I wish I'd told my parents more of what was going on and got out of that shithole of a school. It went on for years.

Look at other schools.

Fanciedachange17 · 20/12/2017 20:58

Your DH needs to take this much more seriously.

I moved my DD. There was bullying, I went in, school made right noises and 2 ring leaders went into the unit and it went on their reports but things were never really right and she started a new school (Year 9) and is a changed person.

RavenLG · 20/12/2017 20:59

Do you know the popular boy / his parents? Could you reach out to him and explain that it was a misunderstanding, take your DD and get her to clarify and ask if he can sort it? I know he's probably not the ring leader but if he can see how upset she is or how it's affecting her and he's a decent sort he might stick up for her?

Fanciedachange17 · 20/12/2017 21:01

Oh and keep a very close eye on the social media. That can be an horrendous method of access to you DD. Much better to come off it really although that will make her feel isolated. Shut as much down as possible.

The support and love you are giving her is invaluable. She knows you have her back. Best of luck to you.

user1488397844 · 20/12/2017 21:02

As someone who experienced this, it won't get better. Even if people are assigned to look out for your DD it wont stop the sniping/whispering and teasing that the teachers dont notice. I was in the same position where one of my so called friends hacked into my social media and told lies about me, My life was a nightmare for at least a year. I remained at the school and made a new group of friends who very kindly took me under their wing & it all went down to dirty looks & sarcastic comments in the corridor. As an adult I am shy, unsure of myself and a very negative person. I can be harsh towards people and never show my emotions and I believe this is a direct result of what happened to me. I was actually picked on at 2 different schools and often wonder what it was about me that marked me as a victim. I was kind, clever & average looking (not ugly and not overly pretty) I wore all the right clothes, had large groups of friends on the surface. I don't know!

mywayalltheway · 20/12/2017 21:02

I would be inclined to move her, I know it isn't what she wants but I think the decision is too big for her to make.

My DD had a few issues with some girls but nothing as bad as your DD and it was heart breaking to see her so upset, really hope things get sorted for your DD whatever decision you make.

I also recommend you take her off social media even if it's just until things settle down and especially if you move her school so the bullying doesn't follow her in that way.?

Redguitar2 · 20/12/2017 21:03

This is heartbreaking OP. Your poor daughter and poor you having to cope with this stress and worry whilst remaining strong for your daughter Flowers

I really haven't got any new advice but agree with others who said to move her. Particularly if she knows a few people at the new school.

Wishing your family well. I hope you all have a much better 2018 x

Orlandointhewilderness · 20/12/2017 21:03

i would move her. i had this at school and it was hell.

meredintofpandiculation · 20/12/2017 21:05

Finding this thread curiously comforting. Intellectually I may know it's not the victim's fault, but inside me I still feel inadequate. Horrible to know others have gone through this, but the fact they have does lend weight to the idea that it might not have been simply because of my own inadequacy.

It left me a "people pleaser" and vulnerable to a workplace bully too.

lostintime17 · 20/12/2017 21:17

My son went through a similar situation at the beginning of secondary school. It began with name calling and verbal abuse and escalated to physical very quickly. As soon as We realised this wasn't going to sort itself out, the school was contacted and I threatened to contact the police for assault if it didn't get resolved quickly.
They were on top of the situation straight away. The children involved were punished in school and their parents were contacted also. They also gave my son permission to come and see head of year anytime he needed to if there were any problems to report.. (They wouldn't reprimand him for being late to class etc)
My son has had no problems since.
Obviously it can't always be as straight forward as this but make sure you are pressuring the school to intervene and rectify, make sure your daughter keeps talking to you and telling you everything that's going on....and stay away from social media.

FeeLock28 · 20/12/2017 21:19

Bullying is wholly unacceptable and it sounds as though the school is doing as little as possible. This must end. Suggest you become 'the person on the phone', ie the person who rings every morning and every afternoon to find out what progress is being made about dealing with this. Don't take 'no' for an answer. Be irritating. Be calm. Be determined. I had a colleague whose standard operating procedure was was say, "You are going to have to do something considerably better than this to get me off this phone/out of your office", etc. Not easy, but works. Ever such good luck!

Ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 20/12/2017 21:27

If this was my DD (I have two), I would NOT be sending her back to school. I'm not impressed at the schools slow response and the way it has escalated so other children have joined in makes me think it won't just 'blow over'. Maybe it would blow over if it just involved a couple of girls or a friendship group that often falls out and frequently makes up but this is too widespread.

Your poor DD is suffering. Kids who are bullied at school often suffer for years afterwards with poor self-esteem and self image.

I would keep her at home and find another school.

larry55 · 20/12/2017 21:27

My dd was bullied ar school by the so called bullying monitors. Problems started after she had to have a full leg plaster so she needed help carrying her bag. The other problem was that she wanted to work when it wasn't "cool".

In the end we moved school after we semi-retired to a different area. She left the school at the end of the summer term and spent the holidays worrying about her new school but made new friends immediately and she blossomed.

Sometime after we moved her she admitted that she had thought of killing herself. So my advice is move her sooner rather than later.

IJustLostTheGame · 20/12/2017 21:29

Look at other schools with better anti bullying policies.
I was your dd for five miserable years. My school did very little, my parents didn't push it.
I'm still angry.
And scarred.

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