to want to wrap my DD up and take her away

[Sunflowersforever]

Not sure if posting in the right place, but I'm desperate with worry. DD is being bullied. She is 12 and in first year of high school. The bullying started a few weeks ago, but has now escalated like some sort of virus where she is being excluded by friends, older kids making nasty comments and people throwing things at her. It's like it has become the school sport! She never had problems at primary school, so this is a new and frightening experience. She has left school the last two days in tears to come home as it became unbearable. School have been mixed and slow in their response, in my opinion, though I know I need to give them time but it's only through my pushing that they have talked to some of the ring leaders and now looking at a buddy system. DD is alone at breaks and lunch and hiding in the playground so no one can pick on her. I'm stressing hugely and am ready to move her to a new school in 2018 if something doesn't change, but am I over-reacting? Do these things really turn around as the school suggests? DD isn't eating and looks like a poor waif. Anyone know of kids sticking it out and it working out? DH says to leave her where she is and it will blow over, but her red eyes and shaking are breaking me. Fuck, why is this happening.

Why do people still feel that it is a big thing to move schools?

I doubt many adults would stay in a job where they were being bullied and yet we expect vulnerable children to deal with it.

We rang up the potential new school on a Thursday and our DS started there the following Tuesday. He never looked back and was immediately very happy there. Best thing we ever did.

You have my sympathies OP. As does your dd.
I’ve been and am going through it with my dd’s.
Just tell her you love her and try to make home as happy as possible.
Be assertive with the school follow everything up- use key words,’ safeguarding....policy...etc
Don’t be managed.

for you

Please tell your dd that I will send her positive thoughts and that this shall pass.
Bless you both

I echo meredintofpandiculation's insightful posts, having had very similar experiences. for your DD.

I would take her out of that school immediately and find a new one. I was bullied age 12 and it never really stopped throughout school. The violence and having objects hurled at me stopped when a few were suspended, but the nastiness and whispers and insults were relentless. It shaped how I viewed myself as a person. It took years of therapy to get my confidence back. If my parents had moved me to a nicer school that first year, I would have had the chance to make proper friends and grow up with a supportive peer group. IMO when a child is targeted like that at school, it will never really stop until they move. The teachers can suppress the physical violence but it's the low level psychological torture that really leaves scars.

Why do people still feel that it is a big thing to move schools?

I doubt many adults would stay in a job where they were being bullied and yet we expect vulnerable children to deal with it.

Because it is a big thing for a child to move schools. Starting secondary school is a big, scary transition from what I remember and if I had to do it all again a few months after starting, I'd be reluctant to go too, especially if the problem repeated itself.

It's also different because the parents are making the decision for their child. If you choose to move jobs, it's your choice and you're in control.

Also, adults are more experienced and better equipped to deal with life's shit. A child is still learning and they have a strong desire to be accepted by their peers and don't like change. I'm a lot stronger emotionally than I was as a child/teen! So not really sure the two situations are comparable.

"Starting secondary school is a big, scary transition from what I remember and if I had to do it all again a few months after starting, I'd be reluctant to go too, "

Of course the horrible paradox is that the worse the first school has allowed the transition to be, the more scared a dc will be of doing it again ("it was bad enough moving once, twice would be even worse"). So I would say an essential part of a move from school 1 to school 2 is that school 2 is absolutely primed to help with transition.

OP I don't think you're overreacting - yes sometimes it may work out but in other cases it does not really improve, as pp here have said. So no wonder you are worried.

Is home educating an option short term while you decide on schooling?

Frightening how pervasive this situation has been for so many people. Just had another flood of tears from DD about tomorrow. Send the next couple of days as the decider. Speaking to an alternative school Friday, who have space so would be a quick solution but she gets anxious at the thought of moving.

• see not send

Home school not an option.

Oh OP, this is one area we’re I don’t think you can be too “dramatic” or “rash”

I was actually just thinking about this today as my own DD (much younger) often talks no casually about other children not letting her play, she’s so non plussed but if the day comes when this stuff bothers her or she feels victimised, excluded or bullied I’ll do literally whatever it takes to get her the hell out of the situation.
My own mother was the opposite and I resent it so much.

You sound amazing, go with your gut ❤️

At high school I fell out with with the popular crowd the next day we found a boy at the school haddied. They started a rumour that I had laughed when they announced it, I was bullied for 4 years it was nightmare and something my DC will never go through.

sothatdidntwork Absolutely. I'm another one who thinks OP should move DD. If it were my child, it'd certainly be a difficult decision but one that I know to be the best.

OP My eldest DS was in your DD’s position in Yr7. He continued to be the school whipping-boy until Yr9 when the school eventually dealt with the issue. However, he remained the under-dog and, aside from a couple of good close friends, he remained the target for stupidity, “banter” & pranks.

I would urge you to go with your gut instinct of a fresh start. Like your DD, my DS did not want to move schools. I finally persuaded him at the end of Yr 12. He’s now repeating Yr12 in a new school & is off-the-charts thriving, excelling academically & confident enough to have hosted his first ever party (massive deal at 17!). Honestly, I wish I had moved him 5 years ago.

EdinaMonsoon what an amazing end to a horrible start in school! Well done to you for pursuading him to move and most of all well done to him for being brace, doing it, thriving and even hosting a party! I was a wall flower as a child and it is something I could never have done. It's lovely to hear these kind of happy endings.

Redguitar2 I am so proud of him. He is finally seeing his true worth. The teenage years can be so shitty for those that struggle socially.

Can I also recommend contacting Kidscape. They offer fantastic support to children & parents. DS did one of their ZAPP Courses & came out a different child. He also did their weekend residential & it was fantastic to see how much these kids had grown in just 3 days. They held themselves differently, they spoke confidently & made friends for life.

Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences. Lots of different perspectives and personal moments and I think a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. If such a thing is possible, wish us good thoughts for tomorrow. X

My DD was year 8, it was the same for her as with your DD, like a virus, one gobby nasty little bitch had it in for her, spread lies about her and that was that. Loads picking on her.

It culminated in 3 'adults' and 6 kids lying in wait down the road from school to verbally attack her.

The next day was her last day at school. I went for a meeting with the Deputy head and the head and they were as weak as piss! They would not make the main bully go out the other gate, even though it made little difference to her short journey home and going out of that gate would have lengthened my DDs already longish walk home! They had given my DD a detention for going out the 'wrong' gate once! I handed them the deregistration letter I had in my handbag and she has not been back since. She will not be going back either!

DD does loads out of school with nicer kids, and is super busy and loving Home Education!

I said on similar thread I see no good reason at all to make any child endure this. I wouldn't stick it out another day it's ghastly. Move her. Tell her she never ever has to go back.

Personally I'd go into the school, find the bullies and aggressively threaten to hurt them but I often go too far. I couldn't pack my child off to school knowing she was being abused like this. Hell no. I'd pull her out straight away until the bullies had been punished by the school. If not then I'd home school her if I had to.

If your DD is in floods of tears about going tomorrow - why in God's name are you sending her??? It's a few days before Xmas so they won't exactly be doing any important work. Pointless if there's a chance she may move anyway? I'd keep her at home personally

DH says to leave her where she is and it will blow over

Please don’t do this. It won’t blow over.

Because it is a big thing for a child to move schools

It really isn’t. I went to many as we moved around a lot for my Dad’s job. I think if parents relaxed and didn’t see THIS SCHOOL as the be all and end all then kids would too. Maybe if we could be more relaxed and say “look if it doesn’t change you can always move on” then maybe they wouldn’t end up feeling so desperate.

@MsGameandWatching I'd say it depends on the child. I moved schools temporarily due to family illness and it was fine. Other children night not find it so easy.

So, an update. School have put practical things in place, and this seems to have helped somewhat. Will be glad to get things calmed down and the holidays starting. Here's hoping the calm remains.