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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think getting married and taking on a huge mortgage qualifies as being a successful in life?

61 replies

Idreamofalandrover · 20/12/2017 12:48

Just that really, everyone takes different paths and choices in life. Some society see as successful.

Anyway in this path surely the success comes later after you've had many years in a happy marriage and paid off the mortgage?

OP posts:
IamPickleRick · 20/12/2017 12:53

If people are happy and their children are thriving, I consider that successful.

My mums definition of success is working your hardest for as long as possible, even if you are deeply unhappy, being a good worker is the be all and end all.

My neighbours think owning every gadget under the sun is success, even if that means you can't afford your own home. But they are happy.

My friend runs every day and just completed an iron man. That's his success.

I don't really see an "end goal" to success because there are so many little successes on the way.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 20/12/2017 12:54

My wife and I have another 15 years to go before we pay off our mortgage. However I would still like to think our life choices to date have been ‘successful’ in terms of our current happiness and wellbeing even if we don’t have the benefit of 40 years of hindsight .

RestingGrinchFace · 20/12/2017 12:57

Well it's a bit hard to say in isolation but getting married and buying a house are both hallmarks of a successful personal life.

twiney · 20/12/2017 13:01

No I don't think they are.

Marriage and mortgages are just statuses anyone can access and lose.

To me being a success in life is identifying where your potential lies, and then living up to that potential.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 20/12/2017 13:04

No, I don't tbh. I think being happy with your choices in life equals success, or having healtby relationships/friendships, but not marriage itself. A mortgage just means you have the capacity to get large credit 😁

RatRolyPoly · 20/12/2017 13:05

Well I guess they've succeeded in qualifying for a mortgage - not everyone does. And they've succeeded in finding someone they love and who loves them enough to marry, and planned and financed the day. Again, not everyone who aims to achieve this succeeds.

So whilst it may not be the ultimate maker of a successful life, they could certainly be viewed as successes.

StrawBasket · 20/12/2017 13:07

I don't know anyone who sees their mortgage as a "success"! The idea that the home will be theirs, once paid off, and how much more disposable income they will have, that is success. Paying the damn thing every month is not.

being successful for us is to have time.

girlwithadragontattoo · 20/12/2017 13:14

I think it depends on the person. I'm in my early 30's, i do drive and have a car but i don't have any kids, just a dog. I don't own a house, I'm currently living in my MIL flat (she lives in the UK so it's unoccupied otherwise) i'm also not married but living with my partner.

I have however traveled the world, I've done this a single person and also with a partner. This year i moved country in February, I'm now learning another language, something that i never thought I'd be able to do, i surprise myself everyday with how much i've picked up and understand. I've also managed to find myself a really good job that i love and enjoy in a country where work is difficult to find (think touristy and only work available during the summer months)
I feel very successful. I'm currently living a life that I've always dreamed of having

old0wl · 20/12/2017 13:15

I think being happy and fufilled in your own way is the best way to measure success.

It can be difficult to go against the grain though, so even if your happy you can be aware others look down on you and its not a nice feeling.

RoganJosh · 20/12/2017 13:31

I’m not sure about I don't know anyone who sees their mortgage as a "success"! The idea that the home will be theirs, once paid off, and how much more disposable income they will have, that is success. Paying the damn thing every month is not.

I think many people who rent but would like to buy would consider getting a mortgage a huge personal success.

ThymeLord · 20/12/2017 13:36

I don't see how getting married makes a person a success Confused

Original poster
Idreamofalandrover · 20/12/2017 13:37

I think having a huge fuck off ring makes many people call themselves a success. It does in this case.

OP posts:
DingDongDenny · 20/12/2017 13:39

People often equate success with financial success and status So the markers for this are often a powerful job big house etc

There are many other types of success - contributing to your community, raising children, acheiving personal goals.

In the end the real measure is your happiness and the happiness of those you love - I'll take that over success any day

TheFifthKey · 20/12/2017 13:40

I had a marriage and a mortgage, now
I’m divorced and renting. Still feel my life is more of a success than it was before.

IamPickleRick · 20/12/2017 13:45

Imagine being really sad about everything in your life but still having a fuck off ring. I don't call that success. It's not failure either though. Some people are just very materialistic though.

ShastaBeast · 20/12/2017 13:46

It depends, out of context it’s not possible to judge, but for some it is and for others it isn’t. For some they don’t have those things and might think they’d consider themselves successful if they had them. Being married and having a mortgage isn’t all down to luck but it can be part of it - it has been for me.

Viviennemary · 20/12/2017 13:48

I think buying a house is quite a good thing. But a single person can be just as successful as a married one. Even if a person has an ideal life another person might think poor them.

BenLui · 20/12/2017 13:52

I think your posts are seething with resentment which probably isn’t good for you.

If she’s getting married that’s nice isn’t it? That she’s found someone she wants to spend her life with?

If she and her DP have chosen to spend money on a large ring and a large mortgage that’s their choice and their money.

Their marriage and their spending isn’t a measure of your life though. You can be happy in your own way.

Sounds like you have a friend/family member who you feel is showing off. They are probably just excited weddings and houses are big things.

Just nod and smile, it’ll pass.

BeyondThePage · 20/12/2017 13:54

working out if you are "successful" requires you to measure yourself against others - judging them as well as yourself.

dumb thing to do.

RatRolyPoly · 20/12/2017 14:03

working out if you are "successful" requires you to measure yourself against others

I'd have thought it just meant measuring the results of your own endeavours. So you wanted something, have you now got it? Yes you have - success! Think something's important, have you done it? Yes - double success!! No comparison with others there.

Trafficjammadness · 20/12/2017 14:07

I think success is individual, some people want the house, marriage and children and when they obtain that they feel they have succeeded.

Some people regarding being the best in the professional life is success.

It is personal to each person, so whilst you may not regard it as success, it seems a bit sneery to take it away from someone else who does.

Personally success to me, is being happy, my dh and ds being happy and affording food for our stomach and a few comforts.

Someone may look at my life as unsuccessful and I couldn't give a crap as I am the one living it.

Original poster
Idreamofalandrover · 20/12/2017 14:08

I knew someone would say I resent or am jealous. Not at all, I've got a house that I'll pay off before 50 and been married twice.

Im far happier accepting when a marriage is doomed and moving on.

Just don't agree with what some people cwll success .

OP posts:
BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 14:09

The older I get, the less I want to have a big wedding or a mortgage.

I've told DP if he's going to ask me to marry him to just arrange a padre to be there at the same time and then we can blow our savings on a huge American style camper and travel.

All of my friend group who married in their early twenties, with the exception of one (who is aware her husband cheats so moved to an isolated part of Scotland so he can't) are all either separated, divorced or deeply unhappy and shackled into something that they hate because neither can afford to buy out of the mortgage.

It's a scam kids.

twiney · 20/12/2017 14:09

How would you define success then OP?

CR7987 · 20/12/2017 14:11

I agree with the poster who says that success is identifying your potential and fulfilling it. Looking back and thinking "I really achieved something" The rest is all just a load of bollocks. When you get to the last years of life, you don't care what possessions you have. You just want warmth, food and a roof over your head. What you wear, what you own, what holidays you take have all become immaterial to you. My mum has not fulfilled her potential despite being a mum, wife and worker. She has regrets because she didn't push herself to achieve what she knew she was capable of. Part of this is due to being held back by family and my dad but part is down to her. She really rues this.

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