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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give the teachers any present?

96 replies

Jedimum1 · 20/12/2017 11:50

My DD has just started reception, so I'm new to school politics, Christmas expectations, etc.

Her teachers are lovely, the school is amazing and I'm really grateful we had a space. However, I m buried in debt and have only just sorted out a massive loan to consolidate it. I have a part time job that is going to very barely cover the minimum expenses if I am super organized. I am struggling to end the month at zero and I had to tell my family that this year I cannot send presents, I'm only buying for the children and DH, and I've reduced the money I could spend on them too.

I saw today some parents giving presents to the teacher. My DD has 3 staff members in her room, plus 2 at front desk.

I also have a younger child in Nursery, where he has 2 key workers, plus an apprentice and reception staff. Totals about 6 staff members I have regular contact with, a few more that I don't really see much.

AIBU to only write a Christmas card saying how much I appreciate what they do? Would it be ok to get a £2 roses box for each of them? How do I make them feel valuable without spending more than £30 total? I don't even have that £30, that would actually be taken out from out New Year's meal, as I haven't got any more money around. The compromise on getting the loan was that I'd pay all credit cards and cancel them to avoid getting into this mess again, so I cannot rely on that.

I think I need to start putting £10/month on the side for next year! :(

OP posts:

Bigthoughtswoman · 20/12/2017 16:21

Don’t bother to make food items. I read another thread where teachers said that they threw away all homemade food items, as a general rule, given as presents * stick with the Christmas card idea x

expatmigrant · 20/12/2017 16:30

Teacher here too. Absolutely do not expect Christmas presents or end of year presents. I also think no less of children and parents that don't buy. Know too well how stressful a time it can be for some parents. I like the idea of a box of roses to share in staffroom that could be appreciated by all the staff much more appropriate but again not necessary. I would also never think of throwing away 'homemade biscuits etc. Are people really getting that pathetic about this kind of thing. Mind boggles!

DarthMaiden · 20/12/2017 16:31

My mum was a teacher (now retired) and I've posted about this before.

She always appreciated any presents given but certainly never expected any.

In fact the things she treasured (and still keeps in a box at home) were cards made by the children.

She also valued practical presents over anything pricy. So a pack of pens or a notebook, hand cream for example - simple things that could be bought for a few pounds.

Upshot is no-one should feel they need to get a present and my mother would have been horrified if a parent had ever spent money they couldn't afford.

A handmade card is a lovely thing to receive in itself (and you need do no more than this) but if you do want to get something to wrap up, get something useful (anti bacterial hand wash is a good example) that can be bought cheaply at a pound store but will be appreciated and used.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 20/12/2017 16:31

The teachers at my son's school have given gifts to the children. All had cards and a bag of nice bits and pieces. DS has just got in with it and a nice personal message in the card.
Lovely school and lovely staff

OneWildNightWithJBJ · 20/12/2017 16:31

I can't tell you how much a card or message means to me. Having said that, I wouldn't bat an eyelid if a parent didn't send one. Please don't give it a second thought and certainly don't spend money you don't have.

Hannahfftl · 20/12/2017 16:36

I'm a reception TA and the idea that a mum would make herself skint to buy for me worries me.

Don't even think about the chocolates. They will just go into the pile. That card will be kept forever!

A lovely card is more than enough. Especially in your circumstances

crocodileshavenoears · 20/12/2017 16:36

YADNBU. I'm a teacher who finished up today and the thing that touched me the most (almost to the point of tears in front of the children ) was a lovely message in a card from a parent. Presents, while of course appreciated, are absolutely not expected.

DaisyDando · 20/12/2017 16:41

A card is definitely the most appreciated thing. Don’t spend money you can’t afford. Honestly.

Pollaidh · 20/12/2017 17:00

DM was a teacher and every year would come home with 20+ different boxes of chocolates - chocolate orange, matchmakers etc. There was no way we could ever (or should!) eat them all, even with the whole family trying. I'm afraid many went out of date before we got to them.

She would have been upset to know that people were spending what they couldn't afford.

A card explaining what a difference the teacher has made in DC life, what progress, how much they love school/teacher, that is far far more valuable to a teacher than another chocolate orange.

ScipioAfricanus · 20/12/2017 17:20

I’m a secondary teacher and so don’t tend to get inundated with presents. When I left my last job some of my children gave me cards with amazing lengthy messages and others gave me thoughtful presents, including one which they had all made together. These things get kept forever. I get give occasional presents which are clearly from the parents and while I appreciate the thought, it’s much less meaningful. So a card with your thanks will mean more than anything, and monetary value will not matter to the teacher at all.

For DC’s teachers, I do presents which normally includes something handmade by him (because it’s important that he’s the one who has put the time in and I’m trying to drill him to be grateful) and then also something we think they will actually like (this year it is book tokens). Last year, his teachers were not particularly good or helpful and so I did not go to as much trouble.

MrsHathaway · 20/12/2017 17:20

Supporting school all year (spellings, times tables, etc, maybe props for the play or hearing reading if you can) is a better gift.

Email is even cheaper than a card and can be copied to the HT and added to evaluations. Good if you can mention something very specific!

HidingBehindTheWallpaper · 20/12/2017 17:27

The nicest thing I had this year was a card with a message from a mum saying thank you for your work this year, she is so happy at school.

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 20/12/2017 17:30

Don't give a present at all it isn't needed or expected.

A card with a nice comment is more than enough, really it is and I feel priveledged to get that. Yes I do the job because it's a vocation but plenty of other roles are like that and are largely unseen.

foxyloxy78 · 20/12/2017 18:07

Please don't get anything. The teacher would be mortified of they knew you'd bought the gift under financial burden.

Postagestamppat · 20/12/2017 21:02

A handwritten letter from your dd on a scrap of paper will mean far more than any present. An email to the teacher from you would also be nice.

In these teacher-present threads this comes up again and again. Teaching is a pretty thankless job (mostly due to moaning management). So explicit appreciation is nicest (and cheapest!).

Original poster

Jedimum1 · 20/12/2017 22:11

Sorry, I've been out and could not check back. Thank you so much, amazing suggestions too. I'll get a card esch with a special memory from the year and a big thank you. I probably give one to HT too mentioning the great work in her class. I'll scrap the baking, it seems to have mixed reception. And get some nice pens if I see any tomorrow. Thank you! Great ideas there.

@maxbenji and @grannytomine, so lovely, thank you for sharing that, it has settled the card option!

OP posts:

DameDoom · 20/12/2017 22:51

I have honestly never met a teacher in my 20 odd (sometimes very odd) years of teaching who expects a present from a child.
I reiterate what has been said umpteen times - we'd be mortified to think that someone felt obligated to buy a gift.
What we all want is parents who support their child so that they can learn and grow to the best of their ability. Sadly, that's not always the case.
A handwritten card is a wonderful thing - if the sentiments are genuine. In these days of performance related pay, they can be scanned and put into portfolios for evidence of teacher impact... incase we just sit around watching Loose Women with the kids every afternoon.
I spend a lot of money to do my job - schools cannot afford the best website subscriptions etc. and I want my children to have access to these resources so I pay out of my own pocket because they benefit so much from them.
I also bake - quite badly - and put on a full buffet for my class every half-term because they love it, it's a treat and they have earned it. And, I've bought 60 selection boxes (wholesale so dirt cheap) for my class and my maths set.
Nobody has made me do this - I wanted to.
Teachers aren't all holiday-loving ( we get paid 25 days and the rest of our pay is incrementally split), haul-loving harridans.

DameDoom · 20/12/2017 22:54

Wish I'd left a space between each para. Nevertheless, they are there.

SandyBeachandtheDeckchairs · 20/12/2017 22:56

Please don't worry about gifts. Out of my y3 class I got chocs from some mums, hand drawn cards from children and nothing from most of them. I really don't care, and it doesn't mean I think any differently about the children. I would rather have a mum who smiles at me in the playground and backs me up on behaviour. Nothing more required.

Greenshoots1 · 20/12/2017 23:13

in two schools I have worked for we were not in any case allowed to keep gifts from children

Greenshoots1 · 20/12/2017 23:14

and actually, technically no teacher in the country is allowed to accept gifts to the value of more than £60 in one year, without declaring it to ILR

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