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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want MIL to drive to pick up her friends DD?

53 replies

Wilburissomepig · 19/12/2017 18:44

MIL is 81 and in rude health, if getting a little forgetful sometimes. She lives in a lovely village surrounded by lots of friends, one of whom she is particularly close to and they see each other most days.

Her friend has a daughter who lives about 150 miles away and when she comes to visit, her husband will normally drive her half way and friend or friend's husband picks her up from there and brings her back here. Then they repeat the same arrangement on the return journey.

Friend has been a bit unwell recently and has asked MIL to drive the 75 miles to pick up her DD. I really don't want her to do this. Apart from the fact I think it's a bit of a piss take (MIL already does loads for her friend as it is), it'll be dark, majority of the journey will be windy country roads and although MIL is fit and healthy, she normally just drives from her village to the shops and back and I don't see why, on this one occasion, the daughter can't either drive herself (she can drive and has a car at her disposal but 'it's too far'), or she gets the train this time.

I can't offer to do it as I'll be working that night. MIL really isn't keen on doing it be feels that she has to to help her friend out. I am trying to convince her to say no and no, I don't suppose it is any of my business, but I am not at all happy with the thought of her driving all this way, on her own, in the dark.

OP posts:

LIZS · 19/12/2017 18:48

I agree, dm doesn't drive those sort of distances anymore, definitely not after dark. Is there any reason friend's dd can't use public transport to get closer? If it is too far for her to drive it is too far for your dm.

QueenNovo · 19/12/2017 18:53

The daughter is a complete pisstaker, I'd be ashamed to let an 81 year old make that journey when I had my own car and licence.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 19/12/2017 18:55

The daughter and the husband are massive piss takers to let an old lady drive that distance. I'd be saying something. Unbelievable!

BTW OP I hope my son's future wife (if he ever has one) is concerned for me like this, you have restored my faith in DILs

Maelstrop · 19/12/2017 18:58

Daughter has a car yet it's too far for her to drive but OK for an 80 year old to go?! Massive pisstake! Trouble is, how can you dissuade her from doing it?

Fairylea · 19/12/2017 19:00

The daughter should drive herself! How ridiculous! There’s no way your mum should be feeling she has to do this.

Cantuccit · 19/12/2017 19:01

I would definitely discourage MIL from doing this. It's far too much.

Original poster

Wilburissomepig · 19/12/2017 19:02

Daughter has a car yet it's too far for her to drive but OK for an 80 year old to go?! Massive pisstake!

This is what I think! The daughter is 50 FFS, it's not as if she's a young slip of a thing who's just passed her test. MIL says she can't think of a good reason to say no other than the fact that she's nervous about it and doesn't really want to. I told her that I think that this is a perfectly good reason. So, how do I talk her out of it?

OP posts:

jollygoose · 19/12/2017 19:05

you phone the friend yourself and tell her mil is nervous and you don`t think she should do it.

AnathemaPulsifer · 19/12/2017 19:06

Your MIL will be driving as far in one day as the daughter would be driving if she just drove herself. Why would the daughter's nerves about driving so far trump your MIL's?

CaptainChristmas · 19/12/2017 19:07

The daughter is a complete pisstaker, I'd be ashamed to let an 81 year old make that journey when I had my own car and licence.

This^^

DeepanKrispanEven · 19/12/2017 19:18

Your MiL needs to say that her night vision isn’t reliable and it wouldn’t be safe for either of them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/12/2017 19:19

Your mil will be doing a 150 mile round trip. This is the same distance as this younger woman isn’t prepared to do. Just no. If she can’t do it in a day, which really isn’t much of a drive, she should get the train, bus or do an overnight stop. Please don’t let your mil go. It is far too much for someone of her age, especially one, who isn’t used to driving that distance. She will be risking her life and the lives of others.

I think you need to intervene and explain your mil feels too awkward to say no. She’s extremely nervous, can’t do it. And suggest other means of transport.

Lethaldrizzle · 19/12/2017 19:21

Is there anyway you could get in contact with the daughter ? Its a bonkers idea

Sparkletastic · 19/12/2017 19:21

Absolutely no way should MIL feel obliged to do this. Is there any way you can speak to MIL's friend or even better to the daughter. Even if you have to do it under the guise of 'just checking arrangements on MIL's behalf'?

onalongsabbatical · 19/12/2017 19:22

One of the very, very rare occasions I would advocate an intervention on someone else's behalf - yes, ring the friend and say that your MIL isn't doing it; not that you don't think that she should be, but she just isn't. They should be ashamed of asking her, it's ridiculous.

MistyKnightsTwistout · 19/12/2017 19:23

Am I reading correctly that the daughter had a driving husband too? What a bunch of piss takers. Your mil needs to just say no. Are they even offering to pay her petrol?!

Olympiathequeen · 19/12/2017 19:23

Totally agree with you. I’d do everything I could to dissuade her from such a long drive.

RaspberryOverload · 19/12/2017 19:26

The DD is pisstaking. I'm 49 and regularly do a lot of driving, and 150 miles is not really that much.

NoSquirrels · 19/12/2017 19:26

No, this is a terrible idea! As PPs have said, your MIL would be doing this “favour” to avoid the daughter doing the same distance.

Please tell your MIL to say her night vision isn’t good enough and she doesn’t want to risk it. Her friend is extremely unreasonable to even ask.

Pretenditsaplan · 19/12/2017 19:27

Its actually 300 miles because of course she'll want taking back.

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/12/2017 19:28

That is far too much to ask a neighbour to do at any age imo.

Can you speak to the daughter direct at all? Let her no your concerns?

NoSquirrels · 19/12/2017 19:29

In fact, would it make your MIL feel better to say you/DH have “forbidden” her from doing it?

You could call said friend and say “Very awkward I know, but although MIL is brilliant for her age DH & I have had to insist she doesn’t even consider driving this far anymore- she’s so lovely she wants to help, but it’s really not possible.”

HotelEuphoria · 19/12/2017 19:32

No bloody chance, my mum is 81 and still drives. To the doctors a mile away and that's about it. She would be a wreck dong that journey. To be honest I am 50 and my night vision isn't what it was, if I was nervous driving that distance myself I would be bloody terrified in a car with my mother!

Original poster

Wilburissomepig · 19/12/2017 19:33

Well I'm just off the phone to MIL and told her that she's not doing it. She doesn't want me to phone her friend or the daughter so I've told her to tell her friend that I won't let her do the journey as I think it's too much and the daughter will need to make her own arrangements.

She can blame me if she likes, I don't really give a shiny shite. I've also told her that she's coming up here for tea on Friday night in case her mate tries to talk her into it.

OP posts:

Sara107 · 19/12/2017 19:34

No, mil shouldn't do it. Many people of that age drive perfectly safely, but all that I have known restrict themselves to very local driving and in the daylight. This is quite a long trip if you're not used to driving far, and driving in the dark gets increasingly difficult for elderly eyes. The fact that mil doesn't want to do it even though she is generally very helpful to her friend, tells you that she probably doesn't feel she is able for it. Can you contact the friend or the daughter and say they should make other arrangements and let mil off the hook?

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