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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband ruins every Christmas, am I over reacting?

59 replies

NatureWalk · 19/12/2017 12:01

Name changed as this might out me.

I'm going to make H sound like a complete dick, he does have his good qualities, he's a great dad, he works hard and he coped well when I had to spend my last pregnancy on bed rest. But his bad qualities are starting to out weigh his good qualities he's always ruining special events but I don't know if I'm blowing the latest thing out of proportion.

Our first married Christmas I had pnd and he was speaking to a woman from work saying he wished he hadn't married me etc.

2nd Christmas was ok

3rd Christmas he took out a credit card without telling me, which I found out about just before Christmas

This year we are going away as part of trying to make things better. However he's changing jobs after Christmas and left it late handing his notice in to his current job so he's only given them 3 weeks notice not 4. They've told him today that because they'll have to get an agency worker to cover while they advertise for staff and because he didn't give a full 4 weeks notice he'll have to go in next week or they will charge him the cost of the agency worker fir a week. He's rang acas and apparently they can do this. So now he'll only be on holiday with us for 4 days rather than 7. I'm so disappointed that he put himself in n this position )although his work have been really difficult about him leaving).

There's other little things that get to me too but I'm sick of him ruining every special occasion.

Aibu at being mad at this latest thing?

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/12/2017 12:04

But his bad qualities are starting to out weigh his good qualities

Focus on this; not the details.

He should have put his notice in on time. He should be with you for the whole holiday. I'd wonder if the fact he didn't manage to ensure that was testament to the amount he cares; but that's by the by.

At the end of the day; he's ruined a lot of Christmases for you already. How many is too many?

hesterton · 19/12/2017 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trinity66 · 19/12/2017 12:05

Sounds like his work are being a bit unfair and sticky really in this instance. That's shit that your holiday is affected though, you should just try and make the most of it though and plan to enjoy those 3 days where he isn't around

specialsubject · 19/12/2017 12:15

I think Christmas is the least of your worries.

WeirdCatLady · 19/12/2017 12:28

Wow. He sounds like a real catch OP. What positives are you actually getting from this relationship?

LesDennishair · 19/12/2017 12:36

I too think Christmas sounds like the least of your worries. I suspect there's much more going on day to day. You say he always ruins special events?

amusedbush · 19/12/2017 12:37

it's unlikely he did it on purpose

That makes it worse. If he didn't mean it then he's thoughtless, and it's harder to train that out of someone than spitefulness.

Ellendegeneres · 19/12/2017 12:38

This to me reads like :
These are the reasons my h is a dick.
X
Y
Z

Oh and now he's cocked me off because he's ruined another Christmas for me, aibu to think he's a twat?

Answer from me: yanbu, he sounds like a fucking arse

titchy · 19/12/2017 12:39

First one definitely out of order. But taking out a credit card without telling you - is this a biggie? I don't run every account I open by dh - why would I? As long as my share of the joint bills is paid, how I manage my money is up to me?

And the work thing - ONLY 4 days holiday with you - errr won't most people just get 4 days this year? It's a pain that he was a bit incompetent about handing his notice in, and that his employers aren't being a little more lenient - but that's it surely?

Or is there some sort of massive drip feed about to happen...?

meredintofpandiculation · 19/12/2017 12:39

It's easy to put too much importance on special events being perfect. Problems then have a special significance when they emerge in the run-up to an event. Is he ruining only special events? Or is he ruining things pretty randomly during the year?

Bobbydeniro69 · 19/12/2017 12:41

I think, OP, all you are going to get here are ' LTB' type comments, or posters trying to unpick your post and find holes in your story.

Personally it sounds like he isn't perfect by a long shot, but the only person who can decide whether his behaviour is enough to uproot your life, is you.

What I have come to learn, and by looking at my own relationship, is the ' situation' is one thing, and how you feel about it is another one completely.

For me, the examples you give don't really constitute ruining Christmas, it's just thoughtless behaviour . I think a lot of us have partners that do random, selfish crap at this time of year - especially when extended families are involved.

EllaBells · 19/12/2017 12:41

He calls in sick for the days, theres nothing they can do .

I would leave my DH if he did anything to affect a holiday nevermind Christmas like that which is his own fault .

Bringmewineandcake · 19/12/2017 12:43

Can’t he delay his new job start by a week? Surely most places have a 4 week notice period (if not longer) so his new employer would not be surprised that his is too.

EmilyChambers79 · 19/12/2017 12:46

I would leave my DH if he did anything to affect a holiday nevermind Christmas like that which is his own fault

You would divorce him if he could only have 4 days off work instead of 7 because of the way his notice period had worked? Really??

blueskyinmarch · 19/12/2017 12:56

Here is my view for what it's worth:

1st Christmas: He probably should not have been speaking to a colleague about you but it is hard to tell from one line whether he was struggling with your PND and having a new baby and just offloading to a work mate or if he genuinely felt he should not have married you.

2nd Christmas: Was ok

3rd Christmas: He took out a credit card. I fail to understand why this was an issue. Having a credit card is not unusual and i certainly would expect my DH to run something like that past me if he could afford to pay off what he spent. You haven't said if money is an issue.

4th Christmas: He has made a bit of a cock up with handing in his notice. It is annoying but is it worth leaving someone for? He either coughs up for the agency worker, moves the start date of the new job or spend fewer days away with you.

If i am honest i don't think any of these things have ruined Christmas They are somewhat annoying to varying degrees but not dealbreakers to me.

MyLittlePoniesAteMySweets · 19/12/2017 12:58

Our first married Christmas I had pnd and he was speaking to a woman from work saying he wished he hadn't married me etc.

This is when you should have left the arsehole.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 19/12/2017 12:59

YABU based on the few details you have gone into.

I would leave my DH if he did anything to affect a holiday nevermind Christmas like that which is his own fault
Christ on a bike, imagine if he did something really bad.

bettycat81 · 19/12/2017 13:00

@Titchy

First one definitely out of order. But taking out a credit card without telling you - is this a biggie? I don't run every account I open by dh - why would I?

Because if you are financially linked to each other, for example, through a mortgage it can affect the other person. Property could be a risk if account holder fails to pay.... there are so many reasons!

Gtorte4321 · 19/12/2017 13:01

I think every one is quick to make judgement.
In what way is the bad outweighing the good?
Has he tried making up for the things he's done in the past?
Is he changing jobs to spend more time with your family?
Im sure if his work are being difficult about it, then he's right to leave, but you should enjoy what time you have together. He definitely should be more organised and more thoughtful of his actions, but don't let this situation ruin your family christmas

Lucylululu · 19/12/2017 13:02

Messaging another woman is awful, taking out a credit card without telling you is shitty, this year sounds like a mistake and something that he's probably just as upset about as you

quackquackfuckoff · 19/12/2017 13:08

The not handing in notice in time is very similar to something my DH would do. He clearly did not mean to ruin Christmas by handing in his notice late, I presume - It sounds like he is a bit thoughtless in regards to that. If it is true thoughtlessness/absent mindedness, I very much (doubt) in my opinion that this will ever change in the future as it sounds more like a personality trait rather than him just going out of his way to deliberately ruin Christmas for you. Does he have form for this - eg. has forgotten/lost track of things in the past?

The first Christmas however when he was talking to someone else when you had PND and he wishes he hadn't married you - that is the part of your post that I would find the most concerning. You mention that you had to go on bed rest and then PND so I am assuming that there was a lot of pressure for him to be there for for you during the pregnancy and then you and DC after the birth but I still don't think that justifies his words then.

I would leave my DH if he did anything to affect a holiday nevermind Christmas like that which is his own fault
^ slightly extreme reaction IMO

What are the other bad qualities, just out of interest?

Branleuse · 19/12/2017 13:09

the first one yeah, that would be a dealbreaker, but since it wasnt, I dont really see the issue with the other two

quackquackfuckoff · 19/12/2017 13:11

Also could it be a case that Christmas means more as a holiday to you than him? I have a friend who is ridiculously precious about Christmas (to the point where she has declined to come to my DS's birthday party every single year at the start of December "in case she had any Christmas themed activities planned") yet to some it is just another day of the year.

horatioisabrick · 19/12/2017 13:12

Awful.

I don’t get the problem.

Annoying but 4 days are still quite a lot. And it sounds like an honest mistake.

It’s obviously your right to feel upset, hurt and even LTB. But I don’t think that number 4would ruin someone’s Christmas. If you’re genuinely thinking about separating? Idk, I’d assume that there were some other unresolved issues. Like what happened on Christmas 1, for example...

CotswoldStrife · 19/12/2017 13:13

Probably a slightly contrary view to the majority but do you put a bit too much emphasis on 'special occasions', OP? Do you have a very fixed idea or plan of what should happen?

Because the stuff you've mentioned is irritating but also just one-offs, so it seems a bit dramatic to say it has ruined a special occasion (apart from the last one with the resignation/holidays which is a pain).

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