Husband ruins every Christmas, am I over reacting?

[NatureWalk]

Name changed as this might out me.

I'm going to make H sound like a complete dick, he does have his good qualities, he's a great dad, he works hard and he coped well when I had to spend my last pregnancy on bed rest. But his bad qualities are starting to out weigh his good qualities he's always ruining special events but I don't know if I'm blowing the latest thing out of proportion.

Our first married Christmas I had pnd and he was speaking to a woman from work saying he wished he hadn't married me etc.

2nd Christmas was ok

3rd Christmas he took out a credit card without telling me, which I found out about just before Christmas

This year we are going away as part of trying to make things better. However he's changing jobs after Christmas and left it late handing his notice in to his current job so he's only given them 3 weeks notice not 4. They've told him today that because they'll have to get an agency worker to cover while they advertise for staff and because he didn't give a full 4 weeks notice he'll have to go in next week or they will charge him the cost of the agency worker fir a week. He's rang acas and apparently they can do this. So now he'll only be on holiday with us for 4 days rather than 7. I'm so disappointed that he put himself in n this position )although his work have been really difficult about him leaving).

There's other little things that get to me too but I'm sick of him ruining every special occasion.

Aibu at being mad at this latest thing?

I suspect this the last straw that breaks the camel back....

He is looking at the very least thoughtless.
And with little care of the effect it has on you.
You planned that holiday to try and patch things up and he is messing that up. If he had wanted to be sure to put your relationhsip second, he wouldn’t have done it any other way... :(

What else is going on OP? What other special occasions have been ruined? What other bad qualities does he have?

I was trying to keep things brief bit I should have probably said he had booked the week off for this holiday 7 months ago. It was all sorted and when he got offered this other job he was supposed to hand in his notice so it would take him up to the end of the holiday but because he left it late 4 weeks notice would take him up to the 1st week in Jan. Start date for new job is non negotiable so to finish on time his current job has said he can only leave by that time if he makes uo the hours by going in when he should be on holiday with us.

The credit card pissed me off because we had just paid off his pay day loans he stupidly took out before we met. We were finally out of debt and then he took out a credit card (with shit interest because his credit score still isn't great).

To be honest while in theory his company could do as they have suggested it is highly highly unlikely that they would.

And yes he is very disorganised, he is constantly forgetting to do important stuff or forgetting things I've told him.

Can't he take those days unpaid

Is he disorganised or does he expect you to do everything and remind him etc? Or is he only disorganised for things that either he doesn’t see that important or things that he sees as your responsibility and not his (eg something to do with the dcs??)?

Because if you are financially linked to each other, for example, through a mortgage it can affect the other person. Property could be a risk if account holder fails to pay.... there are so many reasons!

Yes but unless there's a history of defaulting, CCJs, banruptcy etc I still fail to see why anyone would need to ask permission of the other person. We are adults not children asking if we can have extra sweeties ffs.

"he's always ruining special events"
Some people do ruin special events. Sometimes it's because they are narcissists who don't like the spotlight being on others. Sometimes it's because they have traumatic special events in their past, and the trauma is so inextricably linked to special events that they self-sabotage. Sometimes they just fail to see that special events have meaning to other people. Sometimes they're punishing others in a passive-aggressive way to assert control. And lots of other reasons, benign and toxic.

I'd sit and have a think about what might be going on in his head. How did his birthdays etc. go when he was a child? Were they important to him, was there a lot of fuss made, were they horrendous, are they fond memories? Basically try and consider what his default attitude is to special events. Is he self-sabotaging, punishing, feckless, oblivious, ?

And also - is he aware he's ruining it for others?

"This year we are going away as part of trying to make things better."
So, a deliberate effort is supposed to be being made, and there is acknowledgement that things are not as good as they could/should be. Who's idea was the going away?

I don’t understand why you didn’t bin him after discovering him telling a woman a work he wished he wasn’t with you.

Things were only going to get worse from there, how could you forgive that?

@whereyouleftit Dh did have a really shit childhood. He still has a really crap relationship with his parents. He is always going on about wanting to make things special for our dc so they never go through what he went through bit then he does stupid shit and messes it up.

@streetlife70 I was heartbroken when it happened but he apologised went to counselling for some of his issues he thought contributed to it and for a few months worked really hard to make it up to me. I also got treatment for my pnd and things seemed better but then things started slipping again.

So, his childhood special events were shit. I wonder if he goes into a bit of mental paralysis with special events now, waiting for the hammer to fall.

Disorganised and shit with money - may well link back to childhood too, depends on what flavour of shit (neglectful/overbearing etc.) childhood he was subjected to.

how has he ruined the whole of christmas by not being there for 3 days of it?

christmas seems like a funny reason to get a divorce. are you looking for someone who will just be fun at christmas? is that the criteria for marriage?

Lots of people find Christmas stressful because they had sh1t christmases growing up. My DH gets stressed and focusses on the hard bits of Christmas, but its because his dad was always a whining arsehole at christmas and for 19 years thats all he knew.

So one of the things i bring to the relationship is jeeing him up at christmas and making it fun/smacking his misery away if he gets too awkward. That's how we roll.

I didn't marry him for his Christmas abilities.

If he did try and deal with his past and things were getting better then maybe he needs to go back to counselling again.
Do you think he would intentionally ruin yours and your childrens christmas? Or other events intentionally?
It sounds like he's trapped between wanting you to be happy and have a better christmas than before and the consequences of leaving early. If he has to leave early and work a couple of extra days to avoid them taking action, surely that's the right thing.

@whereyouleftit he had a very neglectful childhood. His parents were still are shit with money. They had their house repossessed and were constantly moving as they didn't keep up with rent etc. He often went to school with no lunch etc. He has had a really crap time but he doesn't learn from it. He's crap with money now and I'm the one that stops the same thing happening to our dc.

I wonder if he goes into a bit of mental paralysis with special events now, waiting for the hammer to fall
This happens to me at Christmas. It used to be the day my mother got the worst beating. I think it's going to be a jolly day in my happy family (just me, dh and the dc) and then I go all strange and can't do it.

Some adults have a form of attention deficit disorder and it manifests itself in many of the ways you describe. A disorganised childhood certainly wouldn’t help if this is the case. Maybe look into it? It doesn’t sound as though it’s intentionnal or ill meant

And yes he is very disorganised, he is constantly forgetting to do important stuff or forgetting things I've told him.

The credit card pissed me off because we had just paid off his pay day loans he stupidly took out before we met. We were finally out of debt and then he took out a credit card (with shit interest because his credit score still isn't great).

With these updates in mind, he does sound like a bit of a man-child.
OP is it more that you're frustrated in general about constantly having to sort things out for him?

very disorganised, he is constantly forgetting to do important stuff or forgetting things I've told him.

That’s me when I’m not on medication or if someone’s disrupting my “system”.

Has he ever seen a professional?

I think the problem with these events is you link them to Christmas..I thought you were going to say something about getting drunk and ruining the day.. by virtue they are all different events I don't see it as Christmas related.

I wonder if you just expect this perfect Christmas where I bet there are lots of things that have gone right each Christmas.

Our first married Christmas I had pnd and he was speaking to a woman from work saying he wished he hadn't married me et

Stopped reading after this divorce-worthy comment.

My opinion, his childhood has not equipped him for adulthood. Monkey see, monkey do - you model yourself (unconsciously) on your own parents, his role models were crap and so anything he should have picked up, he hasn't. The disorganisation, bad with money, ruining special events - it's not malicious, he's not doing it deliberately to piss you off, he just can't get it together.

But what matters is you and the children. He is an adult, albeit a poorly equipped one, and it is for you to decide whether to subject yourself and them to the fallout from his behaviour. There are always three choices - 1. Stay together, with no changes 2. Stay together, with changes 3. Split. Choice 1 will only grind you down and make both of you unhappy. Choice 3 - only you can know if that is what you need or want. You acknowledge he has many good qualities, which suggests to me that you are not ready to split up.

So that leaves option 2 - stay together with changes. It's the nature of the changes that will determine if this is a viable option. Do you change, does he change, does your relationship change, does the way you do things change? Personally, I think he needs some help. Maybe some counselling to address his neglected childhood, to give him ways to grow into adulthood and not be the paralysed little child. If he could get past this, do you think you have a viable marriage?

Oh, and in case I came across wrong - in no way am I suggesting that he is your responsibility. It is not for you to solve his problems for him. It is for him to accept he has problems, and to go out and find ways to solve/minimise them, or at least the impact he is having on other people.

You can support him, but he has to do this himself.

Why are you still married to this pratt?

Tell him to ring in sick for the week when he should be away, they wont be able to do anything !

So the first one is when you should have dumped him - that's the result egregious one.

However, how fucking hard is it to hand your notice in on the right day? That level of not-giving-a-fuck really annoys me. It's lazy and uncaring and unprofessional - and then it messes up your holiday! That would really piss me off.

The only thing that would be a mitigating factor in this for me is if it turned out he genuinely did have an issue affecting his organisational skills. But I'd need clear knowledge that it was that, not just "but my wife does all the thinking" - itis.