Husband ruins every Christmas, am I over reacting?

[NatureWalk]

Name changed as this might out me.

I'm going to make H sound like a complete dick, he does have his good qualities, he's a great dad, he works hard and he coped well when I had to spend my last pregnancy on bed rest. But his bad qualities are starting to out weigh his good qualities he's always ruining special events but I don't know if I'm blowing the latest thing out of proportion.

Our first married Christmas I had pnd and he was speaking to a woman from work saying he wished he hadn't married me etc.

2nd Christmas was ok

3rd Christmas he took out a credit card without telling me, which I found out about just before Christmas

This year we are going away as part of trying to make things better. However he's changing jobs after Christmas and left it late handing his notice in to his current job so he's only given them 3 weeks notice not 4. They've told him today that because they'll have to get an agency worker to cover while they advertise for staff and because he didn't give a full 4 weeks notice he'll have to go in next week or they will charge him the cost of the agency worker fir a week. He's rang acas and apparently they can do this. So now he'll only be on holiday with us for 4 days rather than 7. I'm so disappointed that he put himself in n this position )although his work have been really difficult about him leaving).

There's other little things that get to me too but I'm sick of him ruining every special occasion.

Aibu at being mad at this latest thing?

when he got offered this other job he was supposed to hand in his notice so it would take him up to the end of the holiday but because he left it late 4 weeks notice would take him up to the 1st week in Jan. Start date for new job is non negotiable so to finish on time his current job has said he can only leave by that time if he makes uo the hours by going in when he should be on holiday with us

Have you definitely spoke to ACAS?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is how I'm understanding it, have I got it right?

DH booked Christmas week off work 7 months ago. He then got a new job and handed notice in, giving 4 weeks. This notice period ends at the end of Christmas week (the end of his week off) leaving him free to start his new job January.

Now work are saying he can't have that holiday and he has to pay for cover because he's handed his notice in?

Surely if he was off on holiday, it would be covered anyway so that's irrelevant? If he's already earned those holiday days then he's entitled to take them, given that he's booked them and cover should have already been put in place.

When I handed my last notice in, I gave 4 weeks notice and it worked out I was on annual leave for a week of it as I'd already pre booked it. Work told me I couldn't take it as I would be needed but when I phoned ACAS to check, they said while my annual leave could be cancelled, they'd have to prove that my being off on annual leave would affect the business for that week.

Work never took it any further and I had my week off.

Yes he phoned acas and they said work where within their right to cancel his holiday. They are being difficult because he's leaving at a really busy time for them but if he had handed his notice on time he would be leaving that week and it wouldn't matter.

Oh so he handed his notice in a week later than he needed to?

How many work days are there between the new job starting and the old one ending? Is there an overlap?

I'd bet It's nothing to do with his child hood.

My dh is like this, he does try to not fuck up bit does sometimes. Sometimes I look
At him and think "what the fuck goes through your head' ? Sometimes I used to think he was on the spectrum.

If I told you how much he got fined in parking tickets this year you'd

Is it worth leaving him over?
Is it worth splitting up your family?
Is it worth the shared access with your kids?
Do you love him?
Does he love you?
Do you make each other laugh?

Only you know if you can see yourself with this man in five years time and take it from there. No body is perfect not even the MN fantasy husbands

Having also had a shit childhood, one thing I'd say is the issues it leaves you with never entirely go away. You can live a good positive life, but you have to work at it and keep working at it. Its a really good sign that he was willing to see a counsellor, but that doesn't mean he won't need to see one again in the future - one period of counselling doesn't draw a tidy line under the issues unfortunately . I'm painfully aware that my issues still make me an arse to live with at times - for example I really struggle when DH isn't feeling well, because having grown up with a violent stepfather it scares me rigid when someone becomes quiet and subdued (these were the warning signs). So even though I do care I have to fight a real impulse to withdraw from him. Luckily he loves me pretty unconditionally and has stuck by me, which in turn has given me the strength to keep working on the issues.

Anywaaayyy...for me at least none of these issues are deal-breakers, except possibly the first, although its incredibly common for couples to go through a rough phase adjusting to parenthood and it sounds like he has tried to respond well (counselling). The question isn't special occasions, its how well you both live together on a day to day basis.

Ffs he's just asked me if I've seen his paperwork for the new job, I told him I left it with all his paperwork id asked him to sort a couple of weeks ago. He said oh I think I threw that away. He needs to organise himself

All other issues aside, I cringed at "only" four days at Christmas. You realise that's a lot, yes? Unless you work at a school or maybe an office. People working in retail, the NHS, emergency services, care etc would be thrilled with four whole days.

Sorry I've probably missed the point entirely but that stuck with me.

Baldrick we are supposed to be ob holiday, he now has to leave me and dc in the holiday cottage to come back to work. He has worked every Christmas we've been together so this was supposed to be a nice family holiday which now its not. I know a lot of people don't get Christmas together (as I said we haven't had a Christmas together with dc.)

Aibu at being mad at this latest thing?

It doesn't matter if we think you are U, it doesn't even matter if you are U. Are you mad, or aren't you? You feel how you feel.

Personally I'd probably already have left him after the first xmas, and for sure after the third, but your boundaries are your own.