AIBU To Be Hurt At Giving But Not Receiving Gifts

[SockUnicorn]

I love Christmas. I have a large family so buy for 25+ people. I make sure everyone is included. Never miss out step children or when someone has a family member visiting I make sure they get a token gift from me and DDs. Even if giving gift vouchers/cash for teenage Nieces/nephews I make sure they get a little wrapped gift with it. I have 3 DDs myself and make sure everything is magical.

I have 2 DFs who i dont see often. I moved from London to Scotland 16 years ago and theyre still in London. They arent in contact with each other, I speak to them separately. However I text with them both daily and every Christmas I send gifts and cards. We meet up about once a year. Both have very good jobs (£40k +) and no DCs or Spouses and money isnt an issue. Obviously I send them gifts because I want to (not because I have to). I spend around £20-£30 per DF and its always little things I think they would like. One loves Cath Kidston so I buy little bits from there. The other loves hotel chocolat so this year got a hand picked selection from there. Always personal. However I cant help feeling a little hurt when I don't even receive a card back from them. DF1 doesn't even bother letting me know the gift has arrived and I have to ask her when I get worried its gone missing. In terms of them buying gifts or sending cards back Its hit and miss every year. The years I think its time to stop buying as I feel quite used and hurt, they seem to sense it and buy them. I'm one of those people who couldn't receive and not send so when they do this i feel i HAVE to send one back or it would just spoil Christmas for me to "sink to their level". I just find it so rude. how can you thank someone for a gift and not feel guilty or even mention the fact you didn't send a card?! They're very good friends but this just bothers me. How can you bother some years and not others? and how do you feel no guilt?! and barely utter a thank you or say you've got them? Or am I just being really selfish expecting a card back or a thank you?!

Stop bloody sending them gifts! They don't care or appreciate it.
Save your cash and buy yourself something instead.

By DF do you mean friends? I think it is time to stop buying for them as well.

Before a load of people come on to bash you by saying Christmas is about giving, I just want to say that you sound lovely and I would feel mortified if someone bought me a present and I didn’t get them one in return. However, some people do think differently and have other priorities than buying and organising gifts. Try not to take it personally and enjoy your Christmas with your family.

Yes friends :).

Thank you :). I love Christmas and I love sending people gifts but it’s just the lack of even a thank you that just makes me feel they’re taking the piss. It leaves me feeling so crap. I think it’s time for me to stop and just cringe my way through next year if they do buy something.

I think it was Martin Lewis that said something eye opening (to me!) a few years ago. It was along the lines of buying for people isn’t always kind as it puts pressure on them to buy back and people don’t all want to for a range of reasons. In our family, we discussed this and now have limited how much we send and we don’t buy for each other’s children in our friend group anymore.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/nupp/

I don’t think they are taking the piss. Maybe they don’t want the gifts and are trying to let you know. Thank you letters and reciprocal gifts just keep on with it forever.

We did this for years, having to buy stuff for great Aunts and Uncles. I found it a complete pain. Sometimes the cost of sending the gifts outweighed the price of the gift. Give a gift, if it gives you pleasure, not to put someone else under obligation.

It's definitely time to stop, yah. I think they've been trying to tell you that for some years now

Just speak to them! Not along the lines of 'where is my present?!' but 'shall we agree not to buy presents/set a limit on spend' or similar. My friends and I only buy for birthdays and not for Christmas as we all agreed as a group it gets too expensive.

But they started the gift buying (not me) and last year they both did buy. As I said they seem to buy the year after They don’t. so I feel rude randomly stopping and can’t be certain it’s the year they will stop. And would feel extremely rude receiving and not buying

Yeah, I'm with PinkAvocado on this one. When someone buys you a really lovely, thoughtful gift, you feel like you have to reciprocate. When you're single and living in London, a big chunk of that 40k could easily go on rent - it's possible that their financial circumstances aren't quite what you think.

While it's lovely that you buy them gifts, and they should certainly say thank you at the very least, they may be resentful that they have to spend between 20 and 30 quid, which can be quite a lot when it comes out of the blue, to feel like things are even. And you obviously hold it against them when they don't, which kind of confirms their fears.

I have 4 very close friends but we don't buy gifts for eachother, honestly I would hate if they started buying gifts for me because then I would feel obliged to buy one back for them and tbh I have enough with buying for family around Christmas time.

If they haven't bought you one back it means they don't want to get into a gift giving thing with you and probably hope you stop buying for them so they don't feel guilty

Every year without fail a good friend of mine spoils my DD (she's her godmum) & always puts something in for me. I don't do gifts except for family because i hate hate hate buying for people; i can barely decide what to buy my child let alone anyone else. My friends all know this so now if they do decide to send something i don't feel any guilt when it isn't reciprocated!! I do special events like anniversaries & there are flowers or meal vouchers for birthdays...Christmas just pushes it too far for me!

They are not nice friends. They should at least acknowledge that they have received your gift and say thank you. I would just stop buying them gifts. I do agree with others though that perhaps they just aren't in to gift giving and would rather not do it but that still doesn't mean they shouldn't say thanks.

Stop buying for them, they don't care or appreciate them. Save it for yourself

Just agree not to do presents next year. Yes, it's rude of them not to thank you for your presents - but you say you text these friends daily and presumably interact on social media etc? So they will text you in the days after Christmas and completely ignore that you sent them something? Or are you expecting an actual written note by post?

Getting upset about not receiving Christmas cards, I think you're being unreasonable. Not everyone sends cards - I bought Christmas cards in November, fully intending to send them, but work and life caught up with me and I haven't gotten around to writing them. And really, whilst it's a nice tradition, it's unnecessary - these are longstanding friends who you say you communicate with frequently etc. You don't need a physical card to know they're thinking of you.

I am on the fence here because I feel that it adds a lot of pressure on the receiver to buy a gift. One of my colleague spent over £50 last year on gifts for me and my son and I felt under pressure to buy a similar amount for her and her family. This year she did it again and again I feel under so much pressure and I don't have much money as my husband has been off work due to an operation from which he hasn't recovered. I would rather she buys me nothing as the things she does buy I don't even use!

And make sure everything is magical

You're equating things with magic OP.

Buying loads of presents isn't "the magic" of Christmas. It's just not and I'd hate it if friends got me gifts. HATE it.

I always feel such pressure about this kind of thing.

@ComtesseDeSpair yes DS1 just completely ignores it. yet when she buys she constantly messages me telling me to open them early and let her know what i think. With mine there's no mention of a thank you. just a merry Xmas and what stage of Christmas day we are up to etc. so strange. its almost like shes embarassed and doesn't want to mention them. but she started the buying and does buy some years (on average every other year). however, to be fair, she does then mention them in passing when using them or send photos of her using them (if its something like baking things etc). But still no thank you, just a "I'm using my bag" mid June.

DF2 does say thank you but always an afterthought. And her gifts are usually things from her amazon wishlist or her favourite chocolates so I know she wanted them etc.

my DH was like this - I told him to stop buying for all his 'friends' who never bought him anything and never said thank you. Now we buy for close family and friends or their children. Saves a lot of money and we don't have any upset feelings about being left out.

@CheapSausagesAndSpam the "make things magical" was said in context of my 3 DDs. Things like baking on Christmas eve and Santas footprints etc. It was purposely put in a separate sentence along with my children. at no point did i mention buying my children gifts.

Sounds like you express love, admiration, appreciation with gifts. Not everyone does. Maybe find out what lights their fire and do that instead - a night out, a helping hand with a diy project, etc.

I had a very vivid image there of your separated gay Dads down in London indulging themselves in Cath Kidston and Hotel Chocolat. Bit disappointed to realise that you were talking about female friends....

As to the questions you are asking, perhaps they bother some years not others because (a) some years they have more spare cash than others (b) sometimes they see something that they know you would love and decide to get it for you, rather than having you on a list of people to buy for.

I’m sorry you’re upset but from how they have behaved it doesn’t sound like either would be fussed if you were to stop sending gifts. So just stop and don’t worry about the friendship being affected. If you really do exchange texts with both of them every day (how do you have the time!) then that is a much better sign of a strong friendship than exchanging gifts at Christmas. Treasure that and forget about the gifts.

Sorry OP missed the part where they do buy some years, I would just say something like "Instead of buying eachother gifts in future maybe we could arrange a meet up in the New Year, have dinner and drinks etc"

@JessieMcJessie what an image! that's cheered me up.

luckily i work for myself so having my phone on me during the day while at work isn't a problem . and its retail so i have other people here and non busy periods.

i agree and think i just need to stop next year and just cringe my way through it if they do buy me something and dont cave into buying back. its not worth the hurt its causing.

The thing is, people have very different attitudes and upbringings in terms of cards and gifts. I had to learn as an adult how to do things like Christmas and birthdays, in a lot of ways - we always celebrated them when I was a child, but things like presents might not arrive on the day, might not be anything close to what you'd like, might not be wrapped... you get the picture. Even now if I get a card from my brother, I know it's because my lovely sister-in-law has arranged it, not because it comes naturally to him or to any of us.

But I also know my brother would travel halfway across the world to help me if I was in trouble. I know the friends I value would do the same, whether or not they sent me christmas cards.

Are your friends good friends in other ways? Do you mutually support each other in other ways? In short, are they just not the card-sending, gift-giving types?