AIBU To Be Hurt At Giving But Not Receiving Gifts

[SockUnicorn]

I love Christmas. I have a large family so buy for 25+ people. I make sure everyone is included. Never miss out step children or when someone has a family member visiting I make sure they get a token gift from me and DDs. Even if giving gift vouchers/cash for teenage Nieces/nephews I make sure they get a little wrapped gift with it. I have 3 DDs myself and make sure everything is magical.

I have 2 DFs who i dont see often. I moved from London to Scotland 16 years ago and theyre still in London. They arent in contact with each other, I speak to them separately. However I text with them both daily and every Christmas I send gifts and cards. We meet up about once a year. Both have very good jobs (£40k +) and no DCs or Spouses and money isnt an issue. Obviously I send them gifts because I want to (not because I have to). I spend around £20-£30 per DF and its always little things I think they would like. One loves Cath Kidston so I buy little bits from there. The other loves hotel chocolat so this year got a hand picked selection from there. Always personal. However I cant help feeling a little hurt when I don't even receive a card back from them. DF1 doesn't even bother letting me know the gift has arrived and I have to ask her when I get worried its gone missing. In terms of them buying gifts or sending cards back Its hit and miss every year. The years I think its time to stop buying as I feel quite used and hurt, they seem to sense it and buy them. I'm one of those people who couldn't receive and not send so when they do this i feel i HAVE to send one back or it would just spoil Christmas for me to "sink to their level". I just find it so rude. how can you thank someone for a gift and not feel guilty or even mention the fact you didn't send a card?! They're very good friends but this just bothers me. How can you bother some years and not others? and how do you feel no guilt?! and barely utter a thank you or say you've got them? Or am I just being really selfish expecting a card back or a thank you?!

I buy for the DC of friends and family - a recent population boom means this is now 15 presents so they’ll be getting smaller next year. We don’t get that many back but I try not to mind.

I must admit I cut right back on birthday gifts when we had DD and realised not a lot was coming back our way.

Thank you all for your advice :). Some very interesting comments.

I didn’t want to go into financial, hence me just saying no money worries. But DF1 lives rent free (parents house), no student loans and has at least 7k in savings. Regular holidays abroad and weekends to Rome etc. Always at gigs and events. She is very open about finances and we advise each other on moving money around several times a year.

DF2 also no issues. However I think an earlier poster explained this one to me, she is not a natural giver and I know struggles with even gifting family. Also does have to see “the perfect” thing and won’t just buy regular favourite luxuries as gifts.

However my issue isn’t not getting gifts - it’s the attitude behind it. They started it and then don’t even say thank you or send a xmas card and are hit and miss. It was the mentality of not being embarrassed that I couldn’t understand and asked advice on mainly. And why so hit and miss when it’s somethig they began. I’ve had some good points of view though that I wouldn’t have thought of .... hence me posting :)

I've pretty much laid DF2 issue to bed as I think someone answered it for me. Couple of things people have said have possibly rang true though about DF1.....

she has a very high stress job. especially at the moment, they are having so internal move around's with staff where they had to apply for their own jobs back for some reason. anyway a few people in stressful jobs have posted that they just dont have time/head space. DF1 does have time to buy a lot online though (shes always shopping). HOWEVER she is also a perfectionist. So perhaps it has to be perfect for her (as a few people have said). Maybe its a mix of both.

I work for myself so spend a lot of my time sitting browsing the net in between customers. And my business pretty much runs itself (with the help of my great staff), so i think i am spoilt that i have months to christmas shop for people so its not stressful. maybe i need to take that into consideration and give some leeway.

but also this is the last year i am buying. next year will be cards only - save the heartache

I never understand when people don't thank others for gifts - it's really rude. One of my oldest friends has never done this, and I think it's because her parents never instilled this in her (though surely she could have worked it out for herself after 38 years!).
As for giving gifts, I used to buy for several friends and we've phased it out now, but it was awkward for a few years. I would buy something one year and they might buy something the next! The next year we all agreed to stop gifts - much easier.

@Enidblyton1 that sounds exactly the same! its so awkward. not looking forward to next year (it will be the first year i dont send one in 10+ years) but im hoping to now just phase it out.

I dont really know her family (apart from a hello here and there at events) but they just musn't be big on manners, she rarely uses them.

I would probably be a bit like your friends (except that none of my friends sends me gifts every year!). I am hit and miss with Christmas cards, can send presents randomly and then forget for several years, and though I will say thank you, I could be better at saying it more promptly. What I can tell you is that it has absolutely nothing to do with the person sending the gift and how I feel about them.

I grew up in a family where gifts were not a big deal. You got something at approximately the right time of year and it may be wrapped or not. Often all you got for Christmas was a book. And that was fine because my family do not go in for gifts, love is not shown through gifting. So when I meet people who do show love through gifting, I find it very stressful and awkward. I hate the weight of expectation put on me and I don't know how to deal with it. So I put it off and some years Christmas passes without me dealing with it. As I grew up not thinking gifts were a big deal, I don't really understand the thought processes behind people who get really worked up about them (for instance, I find many of the threads about presents on here really odd).

Your friends might think like me. So the years you get a present, it is just that they came across something in time. When you don't, they haven't. Doesn't mean they don't love you.

@sonjadog xxx

It's not really about receiving gifts though it's the lack of appreciation. Even someone with a highly stressed job must have 5 minutes at some point during Christmas to text or call and say thank you. I too would feel upset and you are right to call it a day.

Don't buy for them anymore. Send them a card as a token but that's it. If your friendship is strong it will last and transcend gifts.