AIBU To Be Hurt At Giving But Not Receiving Gifts

[SockUnicorn]

I love Christmas. I have a large family so buy for 25+ people. I make sure everyone is included. Never miss out step children or when someone has a family member visiting I make sure they get a token gift from me and DDs. Even if giving gift vouchers/cash for teenage Nieces/nephews I make sure they get a little wrapped gift with it. I have 3 DDs myself and make sure everything is magical.

I have 2 DFs who i dont see often. I moved from London to Scotland 16 years ago and theyre still in London. They arent in contact with each other, I speak to them separately. However I text with them both daily and every Christmas I send gifts and cards. We meet up about once a year. Both have very good jobs (£40k +) and no DCs or Spouses and money isnt an issue. Obviously I send them gifts because I want to (not because I have to). I spend around £20-£30 per DF and its always little things I think they would like. One loves Cath Kidston so I buy little bits from there. The other loves hotel chocolat so this year got a hand picked selection from there. Always personal. However I cant help feeling a little hurt when I don't even receive a card back from them. DF1 doesn't even bother letting me know the gift has arrived and I have to ask her when I get worried its gone missing. In terms of them buying gifts or sending cards back Its hit and miss every year. The years I think its time to stop buying as I feel quite used and hurt, they seem to sense it and buy them. I'm one of those people who couldn't receive and not send so when they do this i feel i HAVE to send one back or it would just spoil Christmas for me to "sink to their level". I just find it so rude. how can you thank someone for a gift and not feel guilty or even mention the fact you didn't send a card?! They're very good friends but this just bothers me. How can you bother some years and not others? and how do you feel no guilt?! and barely utter a thank you or say you've got them? Or am I just being really selfish expecting a card back or a thank you?!

KCWW just made me think of something that came up in marriage prep years ago...we were all asked to tell or partner how we think we show love and affection and some said gifts, some said by doing the jobs the other hated, some said they used words etc etc. Anyway, it transpired that if one shows love in a totally different way to the other, the other may not even realise that that is what they were doing and therefore feel hurt whilst the partner felt like their efforts weren’t being appreciated.

@KCWW i would agree i do. i get a lot (for myself, selfishly) out of buying for other people. i like to find out favourite perfumes/drinks and buy things for people. i understand everyones different (and definitely need to let that sink in a lot more) but its the lack of a thank you and the fact something then shows up the next year that gets me. i just wouldnt have started something (like xmas gifts) if i wasnt going to keep it up. i hate being in the situation where i felt i had to buy back and now im left as some years the only one buying

You could always suggest you buy for the kids if that makes you feel better. I used to be the one everyone bought for and I would have tremendous guilt as I used to have zero money whilst young - savings for a deposit and low income/at uni. Everyone would say it was ok but I used to hate the present opening time because of this. I suggested no presents to my extended family and now we just do gifts for children - much better

@ArcheryAnnie thats a VERY interesting comment, thank you. I have never looked at it that way. DS2 definitely fits your description. I have never thought of it like that though. She doesnt really give to anyone and even struggles for her own parents at xmas and is a bit hit and miss with them. Ive never looked at it that way.

DS1 buys LOVELY gifts (big NOTHS fan) for her family and BFs family. I get texted pretty much everything she buys (I own a similar shop and she often is asking if I can get it any cheaper than she has found it, or just asking my opinion). Shes a very "personalised gift" kind of person

I had a couple of friends who used to buy me Christmas gifts and for a few years I was stuck on the treadmill of reciprocity. Finally, I remembered to bring the subject up in the summer, when it was very unlikely that they would have already bought anything. I suggested that instead of getting presents, we go out together for a jolly at some point during the year. We usually go to see a show.

That works so much better for me. I don't have to worry about what to get and I don't have to receive things that I wouldn't ever want or use.

I can thoroughly recommend a "no presents" arrangement! We are the same with birthdays too.

I agree the lack of thanks would be upsetting. Therefore, do what you can to protect yourself from hurt in future, ie, let this tradition pass away.

OP, I'm not in exactly the same situation as you, but I buy for my DM and my DB and his family. I spend quite a lot of money and thought on what to get them, and I don't feel like it's much of a two-way street. My DB asks what I want but often gets me something else instead, and my DM is disabled and finds it hard to go shopping (and won't do online shopping - grrr!).

My solution, which works for me but wouldn't for everyone, is that I buy myself Christmas presents, the sort that I really want. So this year I have some cashmere socks, a couple of books and some makeup. Any of which I'd be delighted to get from my family, but which I know they won't get me!

I also came to an agreement many years ago with my close friends that we would make a big fuss of birthdays but not do anything for Christmas, in terms of presents. It makes life much, much easier.

@Aki99 sorry, as i said they have no DC. So that would just be them buying for my 3 DDs haha. As it stands they have never bought my DC gifts (which I dont expect them to) and we only buy each other. Its never been a conversation, just never happened. They bought congratulations gifts when my first was born and then nothing after that.

Erasing, i agree, that would make me quite uncomfortable. Mabey £50 is not a lot to her, but to you it is. Before next Christmas, say October, tell her that you are cutting down on Cheistmas gift giving, and only giving to close family, as you are a bit broke at the moment. Be upfront with her. I don't buy my friends gifts, I really coukd not afford to.

Thank you to everyone for your replies so far by the way, I am reading them and taking points for them (good and bad) xx

Stop sending them gifts which they do not deserve.

I'm going to sound like a total scrooge but I hate receiving presents because I find it totally awkward, and then I feel like I have to buy presents and I hate buying presents because I never know what to get and I just spend hours fretting about it... Honestly people give gifts with such good intentions and it's lovely in theory but in reality it just makes me feel so uncomfortable... The more I like it/the better it is, the more awkward I feel. I feel like a lot of people feel the same way as I do, weird as it is ... I mean its nice that you love buying and receiving gifts but some people just hate the whole process, me included. It doesn't mean anything about how much I love the people! I just find the whole thing cringeworthy! Dont ask me why, always have, even as a kid.

Aeroflotgirl I don't think it will make any difference to be honest as she will still buy them. Before she bought my son's toys she showed it to me and I told her not to get it as he has lots already but she still went ahead and bought it! I love her to bits and she's very kind and has good intentions but it does put a lot of pressure on me.

I HATE getting gifts. Haven't got the money, the time, the confidence. Waste pf everything.

Just been given some hand selected chocs from a freind. Love chocs but don't need any more at Christmas and actually am trying to eat less. Now I have to reciprocate and really don't want to spend £15 and take a trip to the crowded shops to buy what??? More chocs? A candle??

Ask all these people if you should continue and see what they say

He solution is simple. Don't buy them gifts. Some people don't feel the need to buy gifts for everyone at Christmas. That's fine. They shouldn't have to buy you one, or have an awkward conversation to stop you buying one. You're upset because they don't do what you do and that's not fair.

@headinhands you're exactly right - im upset because they don't do what i do. I do expect people to treat me the same (when they start the buying off for example). However I dont actually want to be like them. It would upset me more if I thought I was making people feel used or upset. Hence why I genuinely don't have a clue what to do.

Im not going to do as they do (start the ball rolling then be hit and miss and not say thank you). But im also not going to continue as I am because it hurts me.

I think maybe just a total stop to it next year. Just thank them if they buy gifts and leave it at that. Hopefully they will then not buy the following year.

I rarely see a friend who lives at the other end of the country and once when we eventually met up we had to swap three birthday and two Christmas presents each. Totally silly. I said then let's stop and I won't give presents anymore, and I haven't for ten years or so. She still buys for me every year though, and posts them (we very rarely meet now).

It makes me feel a bit awkward, but if she wants to do so, that's up to her. I do always thank her though (while wishing she didn't do it) - it would be bladdy rude not to.

Just stop doing it. I wonder if they might even be slightly relieved as then the pressure will be removed from them to try and reciprocate when maybe they aren't comfortable with it.

I grew up in a family where we only ever bought for our small family unit and that worked well. I am the same now with DH. We only buy for our own daughters and each other, and feel no pressure to be any other way.

I have never really got this whole buying for extended groups of family and friends thing. A whole lot of grief and probably expensive waste, as far as I can tell.

I used to send books to friends children every year. Gradually the thanks dried up, never any reciprocation.

One year I contacted friends to take “did the books arrive?”
“Yes, they did.” was the answer.

I stopped then. Maybe the books were a burden, maybe I shouldn’t have continued so long. But it was plain that either they weren’t grateful or couldn’t be bothered to say so.

When it’s like that, just stop.

Sorry, OP, you have crap friends.

"Erasing* mabey be more explicit, say in summer, I am not buying presents at Christmas as I cannot afford to. So shall we go out for dinner or coffee instead.thrn don't buy, if she does that's her fault, don't feel obligated.

I just buy for my immediate family,which is DH and our kids, the kids godparents, grandchildren. Four close friends and I do a secret santa together, so that saves having to buy them all presents each.

Definitely rude of them not to thank you but I think you have unrealistic expectations OP. If they are like me and are both a bit disorganized but also a massive perfectionist, they will hate the pressure to buy you a reciprocal gift. Thinking of the perfect thing (because I can’t bring myself to buy tat or just buy anything) getting it mailed in time, etc when they are already doing that for their family/whoever else is a burden to those who don’t enjoy gift giving and don’t show/receive love via gifts.

As to why they started and then have been hit and miss - well maybe they started when they had their shit together/were in a good place financially ans other years, they weren’t?

Also, 40k really doesn’t go as far as you think it might if living in London, especially if they live alone and have outstanding debt or student loans. It’s nothing to sneeze a thing sure, but they likely aren’t rolling in spare cash either

The thing is OP, you sound like one of those people who derives a lot of pleasure from choosing and giving presents but an awful lot of people find it a huge chore. Maybe your friends fall in the latter category? I never know what to buy then I panic buy and spend double and love when Christmas is over and I don't have to rack my brains over gifts.

However, that is no excuse for not thanking you, that's pretty damn rude.

If I were you I would stop buying them presents. Whether you give a reason and tell them in advance or just don't buy next year is up to you.

Having to watch the £££, and balance things monywise, takes the joy out if present buying.