Did I get this wrong?

[goldengimbas]

Name changes as very outing
I have organised the Secret Santa this year, we have 32 staff and the limit was £3
I draw out the names three weeks ago and gave them out so everyone happy
We have two members of staff who have just had babies so I'd decided rather then giving them someone to buy for I would just get them something and put them in the pile, then they are not having to worry about choosing and buying something for a member of staff but they would still l have a present themselves.
This morning my manager aged asked me to explain why I had done it and when I explained that I thought they might be a bit busy so I was quite happy to do a present for them both. I got told it was not fair and they should have been given a name and I have made them both feel awful (actually spoke to one of the staff in question when they bobbed in last week end explained what I had done and they thanked me for doing it as they are so busy and overwhelmed right now).
I was told to take out the two presents for them as other staff would not think it was fair, I thought who else on the staff would know anyway.
I can't do right for doing wrong

[TripleASays]

What you did was lovely! Kind of you to be so thoughtful x

[TotemIcePole]

You are kind
Your manager is a knob

[Jonsey79]

You did a kind thing. I would have been very grateful if I was one of the new mums! Ignore the miserable gits.

[BackforGood]

My boss it strange, when I told my very close colleague what had happened he said "ah it must be your turn to be told off and if that's all she can get you on then you are doing ok"


I think your colleague might be on to something here. Take this as a compliment

[Cabininthewoods69]

I feel you did something really considerate and if people can't see that then they are clearly not so much so.

[goldengimbas]

Thanks everyone
It was a hell of a drip feed from the first post to my second post I do agree
Also I am it trying to sound humble of do a stealth boost I as one poster said just feel like I could not do right for doing wrong.
I do get the feeling if I had have completely left them out or got in contact with them to ask if they wanted to take part and buy for someone I would have been just as told off my my manager.

[goldengimbas]

Sorry
That was meant to be -
Also I am not being humble or doing a stealth boost

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

I think you came from a good place but you are implying that those that aren't on maternity aren't busy. I work my arse off and would possibly be a bit miffed at the 'top trumps' of it all

[EEandEmakes3]

I think what you did was lovely. I have a 7 week old and still don't know my arse from my elbow, I would be grateful if this was done for me. In fact, if you fancy helping me with my Christmas shopping that would be great!

[PinkAvocado]

I would have really appreciated it. If someone else had just had a baby there’s no way I’d be thinking anything but what you did was kind either.

[BhajiAllTheWay]

OP you sound lovely. Your boss sounds bonkers.
My new favourite quote from MN " no good deed goes unpunished" oh how bleeding true" .

[Glamorousglitter]

I think what you did was thoughtful in the context of their situations premature birth and a baby with life limiting illness - pretty sure that were they to get a text about ss a week or 4 days after either event if it were me I would have not bothered to even reply.

[mogulfield]

‘They both felt awful’ I wonder what some people would do if they had actual problems crop up, some People are just permanently offended aren’t they.
Your manager is an idiot and what you did was lovely in real life I like to do nice things for people, whether they get offended or not doesn’t put me off.

[GinIsIn]

The sensible thing to have done would have been to omit them from secret santa, and say to the rest of your colleagues “also, we are taking a collection for a gift for Mum 1 and Mum 2”.

Having had a baby on HDU, I can see it from the new mums’ perspectives - you can feel a tremendous sense of inadequacy. You couldn’t keep your baby safe, you couldn’t make them well. You feel like you’ve failed before you have even started. If you then implied I wasn’t even capable of getting a £3 present I would probably have been upset too - it would have felt like I couldn’t even get that right.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

Oh SHoes - that is horrible!

If they are going to have these days of ritual humiliation and degradation in a school setting, the staff should have some small gifts ready in case another child hasn't bothered has forgotten.

It's terrible for the child involved, particularly because children get very excited about both giving and receiving little gifts.

[RhiWrites]

OP, you meant to be kind, of course you did. But treating people differently because they’ve had a baby is not professional and employers and rightly disapproving of it.

If you’d messaged them in advance and said “thinking you’ll be too busy busy to want to be in our secret Santa this year but let me know if you have time” that would be different.

But some people enjoy giving and participating as well as receiving and you decided not to include these women. That was wrong.

Don’t think of it as a good deed being punished. Think instead that your kind thought may not be taken in the spirit you intended it.

[Pumpkinpie657]

Err, I had a baby five months ago and still only just managed to get myself in gear and sort out secret Santa! You were doing a thoughtful, kind thing and I would have been really grateful. If you’d called these women and asked them to participate you’d be told off for bothering them after just having had babies. Chin up OP; boss is an idiot.

[Pumpkinpie657]

Rhi - secret Santa is hardly a professional endeavour! This isn’t the same as, say, not inviting them to the next team building Day as they’d just had babies - it’s a £3 token gift ffs.

[Pumpkinpie657]

Hunter - how does it imply those on maternity aren’t busy?! If anything the opposite!

[Emilybrontescorsett]

I think you did a kind thing.

[RhiWrites]

Pumpkin, anything that happens at work is part of the professionalism of the work place.

So as a manager I’d organise a holiday meal (not calling it the Xmas meal because that would exclude JWs from attending or sone of other faiths) and is organise a present exchange (we stopped doing secret Santa in favour of a lucky dip box but when i also bought extra presents in case anyone forgot), I’d book the lunch, invite people including anyone on Mat leave and new starters, and so on.

If I’d left anyone out, especially someone on Mat leave or with protected characteristics my boss would have wanted to know why and it would have been unprofessional.

If it happens at work or with work colleagues there’s a formality to it, however jolly or informal it seems.

[BewareOfDragons]

You did a kind thing.

Your manager sounds like someone I wouldn't want to work for. I can't believe fellow staff members would resent £3 token gifts being given to two new mothers who have had unexpected birth outcomes recently.

I would wonder about looking elsewhere to work if they did resent it, tbh.

[SugarPlumFerry]

Yanbu OP. You did a kind thing. If someone had bothered me about secret bloody santa when I was off work after having a poorly baby, my reply may not have been polite.

(However, if someone had bought me 3 pounds worth of chocolate or toiletries, I would have loved them forever!)

[AnnieOH1]

I've not read the entire thread, but just wanted to add my two pence that I absolutely don't believe you were being unreasonable here. It's nice that you've remembered them in the gifting and, if anything, you've gone the extra mile by doing so. In the past I would ignore anyone who wasn't physically present in the office for Secret Santa - otherwise it just gets too messy to co-ordinate.

[Alasdair53]

You were asked to organise this. What you have done was done with kindness, will not inconvenience anyone and If I had just given birth with complications I would definitely prefer not to bother. Your manager should have left it alone.