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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boxing day - Wanted a quiet one

101 replies

louiseaaa · 18/12/2017 12:22

This year we have been really busy in December and have worked 7 day weeks as working 9-5 plus doing a Month long weekend only Christmas market.

I set everyone's expectations that we would not be doing a big Christmas and hosting everyone (as normal) but instead would do a big NYD lunch roast dinner, but people were welcome to pop in over the break with no expectations, for a cuppa and mince pie.

My hubby said this weekend that he's agreed for DSD, BIL and grandson to come on boxing day for a buffet lunch as she says that NYD doesn't work for her as she has so many family to see. He then went off on one when I said that he could organise the boxing day lunch

He's now not talking to me as he feels that we have to fit in with them as they have a 1.5 yo so can't be flexible and this is the only time they can make. I don't mind them coming on boxing day - but they have asked my IL's over too and they are all expecting a slap up lunch. He doesn't understand that instead of just one meal production on xmas day I will be working xmas and boxing day so my first day off will be the 27. He thinks I'm BU?

OP posts:
Lashalicious · 19/12/2017 03:58

I think it is rude for her to invite herself, her h and dc, and grandp all to your house on day of her choosing and telling you the involved dishes she expects you to make while you have put in many work hours and have your own family to prepare for.

The only way out of this is to take control. Tell your dh you will compromise with him. Cancel the nyd lunch and say they can come at teatime for 1-2 hours on boxing for mince pie. Don't defend yourself with the reasons why though you have great reasons, how rude is she.
If dh doesn't like that, then cancel all of it, his choice. And, just mince pie, bought from the store. When you've had enough of her, say thank you all for coming and get up and show them the door.

Lethaldrizzle · 19/12/2017 07:08

Green tulip it takes two people to make or break a relationship. It's Christmas ffs. A bit of give and take and christmas magnanimity would not go amiss!

speakout · 19/12/2017 07:11

I really don't see the problem.

Your OH invites, he can do the shopping, organising and cooking.

Easy peasy.

Appuskidu · 19/12/2017 07:14

He's now not talking to me as he feels that we have to fit in with them as they have a 1.5 yo so can't be flexible and this is the only time they can make. I don't mind them coming on boxing day - but they have asked my IL's over too and they are all expecting a slap up lunch.

Your husband’s family seem to view you as some sort of servant who should just get on ans who shouldn’t complain about their lot! Have they always been like this? It’s not the sort of marriage I would want to be in!

Who invites themselves plus other members of the family to someone else’s house and expects a slap up lunch?

Collaborate · 19/12/2017 07:19

Tell your H he's really upsetting me, and letting the side down. What is it about some men who need their wife to do shit like this? In our house we often argue about which of us will be doing the cooking, in that we both want to do it. What makes your husband so inept?

Stick to your guns, and perhaps send a message to them to remind them that as boxing day is your day off they'll have to put up with H's efforts.

Eliza9917 · 19/12/2017 13:44

@Lethaldrizzle
Green tulip it takes two people to make or break a relationship. It's Christmas ffs. A bit of give and take and christmas magnanimity would not go amiss!

Are you serious??

Why doesn't the husband shop, cook & host then and give his wife a day off? The OP isn't saying they can't come at all.

Why doesn't the SD host them all at her house?

RhiWrites · 19/12/2017 14:25

OP, I really want an update on this one. Please come back and tell us how it goes.

Also he’s an arse to try to bully you into making a meal for guests he invited without discussion.

Ceebs85 · 19/12/2017 14:49

Hope it goes well. Sounds like it's quite significant that you don't give in and cook for them. It sends a real message.

Hope you have a lovely time relaxing while DH heats up food. Do not do any more than he would do if roles were reversed.

Ellie56 · 19/12/2017 17:04

Way to go OP! Come back and tell us how it goes.

GreenTulips · 19/12/2017 17:54

Lethaldrizzle

I'm free Boxing Day! I've asked round and the kids plus my parents would also like to come to yours for dinner - so that's 7 in total.

DH likes Lasagna, but the kids won't eat that, the like chicken and veg, DM is vegetarian, if that's Ok we'll see you at 1pm

After all It's Christmas ffs. A bit of give and take and christmas magnanimity would not go amiss!

Butterymuffin · 19/12/2017 18:05

I really want to know the outcome of this one too. Broken record all the way OP!

Lethaldrizzle · 19/12/2017 18:14

Green tulip there is no way i would say no to my dh's relatives. But I would expect my dh to pull his weight. But then we are a partnership and we compromise

GreenTulips · 19/12/2017 21:14

there is no way i would say no to my dh's relatives

OP hasn't said no

But then we are a partnership and we compromise

OPs husband isn't compromising

Are you reading the thread properly?

Lethaldrizzle · 19/12/2017 21:49

Yes thanks i have read the thread and I am not saying dh behaviour is great. He's being an arse! But between them they could come to some sort of compromise so he gets to see the people he loves and op doesn't feel overworked and taken for granted.

GreenTulips · 19/12/2017 21:52

Yes! It's called 'pop in for tea and mince pie' or NY dinner

Lethaldrizzle · 19/12/2017 22:01

So that's one person having their way and not the other. Not sure why they can't meet in the middle

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 19/12/2017 22:13

But meeting in the middle would be the OP giving up her quiet pj boxing day so the dh's relatives can visit, and the dh taking care of the food, so his relatives can be fed. That sounds like great compromising on both parts. OP cooks Christmas day, the dh cooks Boxing day. Fair shares, giving and taking.

mickeysminnie · 19/12/2017 22:17

Lethaldrizzle, the op has already said she is happy for them to call in, she just won't be cooking as she is knackered after working insane hours in the lead up to Christmas.
What would YOU suggest as a compromise?

Lethaldrizzle · 19/12/2017 22:51

I've already suggested it. They come and he does the food. He doesn't want to, but that's the compromise

GreenTulips · 19/12/2017 23:10

Yesterday 23:32Lethaldrizzle

Its christmas. Just grin and bear it. You both have family that are important. One more day is hardly going to break you. Dont let it break your relationship

No you didn't

You said OP should suck it up

HolyShet · 19/12/2017 23:16

The DH is worried he won't see his daughter, to whom I suspect he panders. Maybe she does already have other plans - and tbh it's not unreasonable for SD to feel like she should be made welcome in her dad's house - though not to expect to dictate the exact moment or the menu.

The problem here is the "D" H. He's being an arse kicking off and expecting OP to pull out all the stops two days in a row when she is knackered and needs a rest and he is patently not prepared to.

"They are very welcome, but I will not be cooking" is the perfect response to this. Hold the line, OP

Lethaldrizzle · 20/12/2017 10:05

Green tulip in my very first post i said 'get him to do most of the work. I can't really see how I've been inconsistent in my posts. But if it gives you pleasure to pick holes in my argument, fill your Christmas boots!

Original poster
louiseaaa · 24/12/2017 10:15

I'm holding the line - I have bought a nice ham with clear cooking instructions, salad, poached salmon and cheeses and pate - with the leftovers from xmas day he should manage :)

OP posts:
rookiemere · 24/12/2017 10:18

Sounds yummy - can I come along ? I'll be there at 12, oh and if you could whip up one of your yummy desserts that would be fab. Oh and maybe some eggnog...

LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 24/12/2017 10:33

I wouldn't even have gone and bought the extras - up to him.

Don't think of doing anything more. Don't give in for a quiet life. If you wouldn't do it with a toddler, you shouldn't with a grown man. No need to row about it either, don't let him bait you into appearing argumentative and "hysterical" . You can't wait to see DSD and you're sure DH will do a great job with the ham!

You're only a martyr if you choose to be