To be angry at Grans neighbour?

[MidnightStars]

So it's a hard time atm. My grandpa is dying from terminally lung cancer that has spread. He is now going downhill quickly and carers will now be coming in. My Gran is not coping well. My DM has never seen her cry apart from now. My grandpa normally does most things. Odd jobs/cooking/washing. Now he is unable to she's struggling a bit. My DM is now going round alot more often to help. They do live a hour away so can't just be there straight away.

My DM received a phone call from my grans neighbour yesterday. She was so rude and horrible to my mum. My gran however thinks this is her friend and has no idea she rang my mum. My grans neighbour told my mum to tell my gran to not ask her to help turn her fire on or whatever.

My gran is 10 years older than this women and has never asked for any help before. It's just small things she's asked for nothing major. Then the neighbour laid into my mum and asked for my DM sisters number. My DM said she would contact her but neighbour went behind DM back and phoned her anyway. My gran has always gone to the village and got this women her paper every day and chats to her most days.

So aibu to be angry with this women. I feel like saying something to her and saying to give my gran a break as my grandpa is on his last legs!!

There was paragraphs, Sorry!

It sounds like your gran is needing more help and support than your neighbour feels able to give and she's expressed her frustration badly. Can you look into some daily support/care for your gran?

Yanbu to be angry at this woman. How awful, so so sad that this is the case.

I would hope there is some good reason that she can’t provide assistance to your gran particularly at this time. You never know what is going on in other people’s lives but I would have thought then the phone call to your Mum would have gone, “I would really love to be able to help but (insert really good excuse)” however that does not appear to be the case. Let’s hope she never requires help in the future!

With the information in your post, and assuming no valid reason as to why she can’t help, it would seem she is a complete bitch. How awful for your grandma who considers her a friend and any reasonable person would think she is off.

I wish your Grandma lived near me.

I would not mind doing little tasks for her that she couldn't manage.

Older people are so interesting.

I spend quite a bit if time with a 92 year old man who needs help with his computer.

I have learnt so much from him, it is amazing.

I do agree with others that maybe she feels too much is being asked of her however if that was the case the phone call to your DM would have been one of concern and centred around what services could be tapped into to assist your gran given the current situation is not sustainable not the call the OP describes. So I still think she is most likely a complete bitch.

Maybe the neighbour is angry that Gran is perhaps, in her opinion, not getting the support she needs so she decided to make a point and its not Gran she's angry with its the family.

People can be say things at times and it comes out all wrong.

I suspect the neighbour is trying to get gran more help by default.

There are better ways to communicate frustration than calling someone's relative and being aggressive. However YABU to be angry at the neighbour. Emotions are high and it's going to be easy to take it out on other people.

It's obvious that the neighbour is not an appropriate source of long term support. What's the plan moving forward to support your gran?

I suppose it depends on what other commitments the NDN has. A little job here is no problem, if it is incessant calls for help all day, then it becomes a problem and encroaching on the NDN time. She may be unable or unwell to give this time.

So Op, you can get as shitty as you like but ultimately it is family responsibility to make sure kith, kin and elders are looked after appropriately. Good neighbours are a godsend, but not an expectation.

We had a similar situation with my mil. As she got more frail, (she had Parkinson's) she relied more and more on neighbours, to the point where it became an imposition.

Both us and her other DS lived over 2 hours away, her other family all around 45 mins to an hour.
We and bil would go every weekend, them Saturday us Sunday and sort out shopping housework take her out.
But she was still on the phone to neighbours saying she had no food in the house or that something needed doing.

Does your grandma have help or carers coming in? Gradually we persuaded mil to first have a cleaner, then carers who came in 4 times a day. The mobile hairdresser came every week, and the local Salvation Army took her to the oap lunch club every week as well.
With a bit of organising we arranged it so that there was a visitor if some sort everyday in the week, and we continued going every weekend.

With regard to the neighbours, we spoke to them privately and explained what we had put into place so that they could continue to be friends but not put upon, iyswim.

It is not easy I know, I am sorry.

I imagine she is feeling frustrated that she is the first port of call for your grandmother when it ought to be family.

Sorry to hear this OP, it is a very stressful situation for all of you

We have a similar situation currently. It is becoming apparent that the person in your Gran's situation is actually less able than we all realised - more than a bit confused and possibly dementia Their family live closer but - as with your own family - are not next door when they need immediate assistance.

I hope your grandpa is comfortable and that the carers can reassure your nan a bit too

There was no need for the neighbour to be rude and aggressive. If she genuinely felt she was being asked to do too much she could have brought it up gently.
I think it’s a shame that people don’t consider vulnerable people as a community responsibility and one of the reasons that people are so lonely; not everyone has family and we all know that the government support is very tight. Maybe the neighbour is very lucky not to have family who need help or to live round the corner from her family as I’m sure she’d be grateful if a kind person was helping her family.

With regard to the fire, mil couldn't turn hers on either, so we changed it for an electric one with a remote control.
Mil had a lot of help from the district nurses and occupational health team who assessed her needs: grab rails, shower stool, bed rails, commode lots of stuff.
It would be a good idea to contact them for help.

While it is upsetting to get phone calls like that, it's not really for your DGM's neighbours to care for her, and I guess the demands have got a lot more recently. And yes, it will mean time and imposition on the family.

The neighbour is obviously struggling and perhaps your gran isn’t being honest about the frequency/type of tasks she’s asking the neighbour to do. You don’t know what else is going on in the neighbour’s life or what her health is like.

You need to sort out outside help for your relative.

Is your Gran capable of looking after herself?

The thing is, small jobs can build up. Maybe the only way your gran’s ndn felt her feelings would be respected was if she was blunt?

This is so upsetting for you, and it doesn't sound like this woman handled it all well, but I can see that there might well be two sides to this story. A friend's elderly grandfather completely refused to have carers come in for her grandmother with severe dementia and said 'but June next door has said we can just ask her for anything we need!'. People can be in denial about how much help they need, and how much they're asking of others.

I'd be asking for an adult social care assessment to see what help she really needs.

And be mindful that your gran might be feeling very isolated and frightened, and that asking for help with these little jobs could actually be a way of avoiding being alone with just your grandfather.

Also, it may not just be about what she's actually being asked to do, but about a feeling of taking on responsibility she resents. If she feels they really can't cope and aren't safe she may feel that she's sort of ended up with responsibility for these people in a vulnerable situation, and has to constantly worry about them. That in and of itself can become exhausting very quickly.

The neighbour obviously feels that your DM and her Sister are not doing enough.

I imagine she is feeling frustrated that she is the first port of call for your grandmother when it ought to be family.

I agree.

It’s not doing the odd little thing to help it’s more the worry that this is the thin edge of the wedge and DGM is obviously going to get older and need more and more help so neighbour is not prepared to take that on. But she could have beeen kinder than she has been.

I am sorry but it sounds like your neighbour has reached their limit. Who knows what needs they have themselves.

We had a similar situation with FIL's neighbour, he was asking for more and more including picking him up after falls. At the last fall the neighbour - with my full support - refused to pick him up but stayed with him until the ambulance arrived.

FIL was furious with her and very rude. He was effectively bullying her and the situation could not continue.

Please arrange appropriate support for your Gran and focus on that, not on the neighbour.