To be angry at Grans neighbour?

[MidnightStars]

So it's a hard time atm. My grandpa is dying from terminally lung cancer that has spread. He is now going downhill quickly and carers will now be coming in. My Gran is not coping well. My DM has never seen her cry apart from now. My grandpa normally does most things. Odd jobs/cooking/washing. Now he is unable to she's struggling a bit. My DM is now going round alot more often to help. They do live a hour away so can't just be there straight away.

My DM received a phone call from my grans neighbour yesterday. She was so rude and horrible to my mum. My gran however thinks this is her friend and has no idea she rang my mum. My grans neighbour told my mum to tell my gran to not ask her to help turn her fire on or whatever.

My gran is 10 years older than this women and has never asked for any help before. It's just small things she's asked for nothing major. Then the neighbour laid into my mum and asked for my DM sisters number. My DM said she would contact her but neighbour went behind DM back and phoned her anyway. My gran has always gone to the village and got this women her paper every day and chats to her most days.

So aibu to be angry with this women. I feel like saying something to her and saying to give my gran a break as my grandpa is on his last legs!!

I wish your dgm lived near us. We'd be happy to help. What goes around comes around.

I wish your dgm lived near us. We'd be happy to help.

This is very, very easy to say hypothetically, isn't it? Most people, no matter how lovely, do have limits to how much they're willing to give others, even their own family.

I said I would help people like her GM because I actually would and I actually do but as one-off when people just need a little help.

I would not become a volunteer carer just because family are not prepared to address their relative's care needs.

My gran has always gone to the village and got this women her paper every day and chats to her most days.

I was sympathetic to the neighbour until I read this bit. They've been (albeit not close) friends for years so it's a bit different to a random person suddenly demanding help.

She's not unreasonable to contact your mum and aunt and explain that Gran needs more support than she's able to give but what a shame she felt the need to be nasty about it at an already stressful time.

Maybe the neighbour was rude but it sounds like she was raising genuine concerns about your Grans well being, even with the best of intentions when you don’t live locallly it is easy to miss the signs they are no longer coping so as a family you now need to come together to arrange the extra support that she seemingly needs.

What a stressful situation for you all. Your poor nan, she must feel distraught that her DH is not going to be around - on so many levels, not just jobs.

It's such a difficult situation. Her neighbour didn't need to cop an attitude to get her point across. If she'd rang your DM once and nothing had been done to rectify her grievance (doesn't sound like she's got a lot to be annoyed about from what you say), then, maybe, I could (at a real stretch) see why she'd be annoyed.

There is going to be a lot of stress and pressure on all of you, wishing you all the best as you support your family. I really feel for you all, especially your GM. the call would've pissed me off too.

I have a similar situation, DM & DSF are elderly and disabled. Their neighbour approached me asking that I get DM to stop knocking to ask for help. Turned out she was asking for help a lot and even in the middle of the night.
I had a challenging conversation with my parents and then asked for an assessment under the Care Act from adult social services. They now have a care package which works pretty well. I'm an hour away but still have to visit every couple of days. It can be very draining.

My gran has always gone to the village and got this women her paper every day and chats to her most days.

Picking up a paper for your NDN when you are getting your own isn't the same as making a specific trip to get your NDN a paper. The former scenario is no trouble to add to a task already being performed.

We don't know the extent of the help asked for, the frequency, the times etc.

It sounds as though the neighbour is not coping with the demands now placed on her - now that she is older perhaps she has her own health issues - try to hear this as a cry for help by someone who is at the end of her tether!

This happened with my mother that the neighbour came to rely on her doing tasks for her - but unfortunately it became taken for granted that mum would always do tasks even though mum had her own issues. One day Mum rang in tears - the neighbour's children had taken the ndn on holiday and posted the keys through the letter box telling her to water the garden for the next 2 weeks - no-one had asked Mum! 5 years earlier this would not have been a problem but Mum was 82, awaiting a knee replacement and had severe arthritis in her hands. "watering the garden" required buckets of water to be carried down the garden - it was too much. Mum managed in the end to get another relative to get the keys - yet ndn/kids made out she had been unreasonable!

Make sure you are not exploiting neighbours who cannot cope anymore with what is being asked!

If she feels they really can't cope and aren't safe she may feel that she's sort of ended up with responsibility for these people in a vulnerable situation, and has to constantly worry about them. That in and of itself can become exhausting very quickly.

I had a situation like this once. I didn't mind helping out, but it started to feel like I was always 'on call' in my own home. Most of the time the requests were easy and not very time sensitive, so no problem, but every so often there'd be a sort of semi-emergency, and the neighbour would come to me first before calling 111 or an emergency plumber or her nurse or so on. The fact that she needed my help to make those sorts of decisions about what was necessary really worried me, and it started affecting my life. I wasn't in a position to have someone be so reliant on me. It got to the point that every time the doorbell rang I felt panicked, and of course I could never ignore it, no matter I was doing, just in case.

I didn't realise quite what an effect it had had until she moved away to be with family, and I felt like the biggest weight had been lifted off me.

It sounds like your DGN has been stressed and is probably justified in bringing things to your family's attention. OK she could have communicated better, but perhaps she feels that she can no longer offer help and support. It sounds like your DG needs professional carers and more support from your family. It is difficult when you don't live close, so you will need to put everything in place eg key entry to door, emergency button to press for help, carers, food, medicine delivery etc. Please do not blame the neighbour

Secondly the neighbour may be worried that she would be hold responsible if something went wrong like an accident (if she continued to offer help and support). You need to put things in place to provide help when people are sick, holiday etc. What are you doing to help ? If you don't live close can you phone or write to your Grandparents, send photos

Thank you for all your replies. Just received a call from my DM saying my grandpa only has days Now, so alot worse than we thought! He is being transferred to a home.

Yes I agree with what people have said that NDN may be frustrated but if my gran isn't telling my DM what she needs then how can my DM help. Also she could have been a bit more sensitive considering she knows the situation.

I think once my grandpa has passed we need to sit down and arrange care for my gran. She can get about fine but she doesn't know basic things as my grandpa has always done it. There are 4 of them including my DM but lets say my DM does the most and her other sis and brother don't really help! I feel so sorry for my DM as she's having to deal with it all on her own. I wish I could be there but I have an 18 months old DS and a single mum. Thankfully I've managed childcare so I can see him in th next couple of day.

Also she could have been a bit more sensitive considering she knows the situation.

Maybe she is also at the end of their tether. You also have no idea as to what is going on in their lives either.

Sorry about your grandpa.

So sorry to hear about your grandad.

On the practical side there are adaptors that can be bought to help turn on gas controls, it can be difficult to turn the knob if you have arthritis.

It may be that an electric fire might be easier and safer.

There are also aids to help with pouring kettles, using keys, opening jars, picking things off the floor, long handled brushes and dustpans. Social care may provide brochures to order these things from but we found it was often cheaper to look on Amazon or similar.

The neighbour shouldnt have been rude BUT you dont know what she is being told. My grandmother would claim no one ever visited, my cousins and I took to initialling a calendar in the hall. There wasn't a day left un marked.

I'm so sorry about the news about your grandfather, OP. I hope his final days are as peaceful as possible

The neighbour shouldnt have been rude BUT you dont know what she is being told. My grandmother would claim no one ever visited, my cousins and I took to initialling a calendar in the hall. There wasn't a day left un marked.

Yes, this is true. My aunt who lives abroad once rung my dad really cross asking why he hadn't visited their mother in her care home 15 minutes from our home since she'd moved there a month earlier? Dad was then equally cross when he explained that he'd visited every single day. My grandmother wasn't being malicious, obviously, but time had become very confusing for her and she'd become convinced that she'd had no visitors. She had also become very depressed after my grandfather's death and this made her feel like no one cared about her, even though it was far from the truth.

The neighbour may well have become convinced - either by something your grandmother has said, or through putting 2 and 2 together and making 5, that her family aren't trying enough with her. Obviously this isn't the case, but it may be what she genuinely thinks.

The neighbour handled it VERY badly but, as someone on the other end of this, I do think perhaps your nan is asking more or expecting more than she should of her neighbour, especially if she sees her as a friend which clearly the neighbour doesn't recipreate.

Before I moved house my slightly older, widowed, neighbour used to ask me to do all sorts for her around the house and it was extremely hard to say no although I did often say I couldn't help her for whatever reason if that was the case. It wasn't that I didn't want to help her but quite often I couldn't or was busy (I work from home). Her house slightly overlooked mine due to the angle it was set at so she could see in to my kitchen a bit, every time she saw me she would go into her garden and wave me down or call my name loudly and ask me to do something. I didn't want to hurt her feelings but it got to the point where I used to sneak into my kitchen to make my cup of tea to try to stop her spotting me. There is no way her family could have known how much she asked me and my DH to do for her as we never saw her family apart from once every few months when they came and picked her up in a car and took her out, at which point it would have been awkward to pull them aside and let them know how much neighbour seemed to rely on us.

If I hadn't moved I think I'd have gone mad and I didn't realise how on edge I was waiting for my name to be called constantly or the doorbell to go until I moved house.

I would still never react how your nan's neighbour did but I wonder if she is on edge like i was.

Just popped over to see my mum and bless her heart she's in bits. My gran is now set on moving close to me and my parents. Which I'm happy about.

That’s good that your Nan is being sensible to do that. Can you look for sheltered accommodation type places for her so she has some on site support?

Are you working over Christmas or would you be able to go spend a week or two with your grandmother?

When my grandpa passes she's going to live with my DM and DF for a bit until the sale of her property is done and she's brought a place close to my parents. Apparently I spoke to my DM and all my gran had asked her neighbours about was the oil for the heating as it was leaking and she didn't know what to do. My gran is really angry at them as she thought they were her friends. I think this is another reason she now wants to come live close to us

Your Gran is probably stressed and tired. She is actually very lucky to have family who she can go and live with and who will care about her in the future. Not every one is so lucky. The neighbour probably did their best, with out becoming overly involved.

NDN may be frustrated but if my gran isn't telling my DM what she needs then how can my DM help

Your DM needs to find out what her needs are, not wait for an irate phone call from the neighbor. It's not fair to expect a neighbor to do the job of family. Can one of you move in with her for a bit to support her through this difficult time?

The neighbor might have health problems you don't know about. Perhaps she's afraid she'll fall going between the houses in icy weather. How do you know how often your gran is asking her to do these little jobs? While I'm happy to help a neighbor, it would drive me mad if I was expected to pop round and do odd jobs every couple of hours, especially at night.

It's your responsibility to arrange adequate help. Have you arranged a care assessment via her GP or looked into a private carer? Sounds like she needs someone to check on her a few times a day, until she can move closer to family. She's elderly and vulnerable. It makes me sad that you are focused on being angry with the neighbor, rather than arranging and paying for the care she needs.

We have had neighbours in a slightly similar situation.
Being disabled but managing to get around they would frequently fall over and ring us to pick them up. It progressesd to being called in the night when one of them fell. Then the wife expected me to pick them up without assistance during the day when DH wasn't at home.
It was all too much when she rang me and asked me to clean her and the bathroom up as she had made a mess.