to suggest friend supervises her own kids?

[Taubenpost]

People have different parenting styles. I completely get that. However, there is "letting kids make their own mistakes" and there is being irreponsible and ruining other people's stuff.

Some months back I offered a friend fruit from our garden. She enthusiastically said yes. We were away when it was ripe, so I explained carefully which trees it was (she wouldn't necessarily have found them easily otherwise) and that other plants in the same area were delicate/ needed not to be trampled/ had poisonous fruit and leaves. She said "oh I'll send the kids in then". I referred her back to what I had said about delicate/poisonous plants, and said it would be better if she could pick the fruit herself, as I was not comfortable with unsupervised 8 & 10 year olds potentially picking the wrong things.

Got home to find delicate plants trashed, branches ripped off, fruits picked unripe & thrown on the ground, saplings pulled out of the ground. Fruit trees with ripe fruit were also pretty trashed, all the fruit taken and branches ripped off and thrown on the ground.

Saw friend, mentioned the garden was in need of a bit of TLC. She said "yeah the kids had a great time" and had apparently sent them in to play by themselves on several days. Apparently it takes a village to raise a child (she loves this phrase) so sending her kids to play in our garden when we are away is appropriate...

Since then she has been making digs repeatedly about me being a helicopter parent and how her kids are independent learners, fearless, brave, inquisitive, etc while my DS is scared of other people, can't walk or talk yet because I mollycoddle him.

FFS. DS is normal, he's 1. Her kids are indeed fearless, but inappropriately so in the context of trashing our garden with zero supervision. GRRR.

Or am I uptight and denying her children their right to a childhood?

[altiara]

You’re not uptight!! Am surprised you didn’t flip from polite to you owe me £££ for the damage! Lock the gate ASAP.

[Thermostatpolice]

8 and 10 year olds should certainly come back and repair the damage. I'm amazed that she didn't suggest this. Lots of boundaries lacking there OP.

[perfectstorm]

She's a lazy, selfish cow who can't be arsed to bring up her kids properly, and kids herself that this lazy selfishness is a lifestyle choice.

Free range parenting is fine. Allowing your kids to trash other people's property when you don't want the hassle of supervising them isn't. I know people who go the full free range, Alfie Kohn deal, and they spend huge amounts of energy making sure their kids don't grow up as arseholes, and don't get hit by large trucks while learning about road safety. I respect that a lot. It's the hardest way to parent, and I'm sure it has huge benefits. This is nothing like that.

[Nanny0gg]

Why are people friends with people like that?
Why would you not expect that they would send the children in unsupervised?

None of this can have been a surprise. But why didn't you stop it happening or say something afterwards?

I'd have been incandescent.

[Aeroflotgirl]

My god, she is that type of parent, eye roll. That would be the last time I did her a favour, definitely distance yourself.

[jayne1976]

How can she make a judgement on a one year old child - often all a1 year old wants is their parents!
Just never again are they to return to your garden!

[manicmij]

Thats a great example when no boundaries are set for children and they are allowed free reign in whatever they do. Will only get worse the bigger they get. Adult no respect = children no respect. Ditch her.

[Abbylee]

She is NOT a friend! Her children are fiends! Drop her. Tell her off. Say, "better a helicopter mother than having vandals for offspring."

I just posted about my dd not being amenable to punishments, well she isn't; but she understands that respecting someone's property and hardwork is a vital social more.

Your acquaintance is disrespectful, mean and lazy. If her children were in my village, i would build a fence and keep them out.

I'm so sorry about your garden. That just breaks my heart. I try not to swear outloud, online, so what everyone else said!!

[Lashalicious]

If there were just one or two broken branches, or a little bit of untidiness that would be different. But you’re saying her kids completely trashed your garden and then she said this other stuff to you. I don’t think this friendship is going to end well. I wouldn’t invite them into the garden again and just drift away from them.

[ApocalypseNowt]

That was when she had a go at me about not letting DS grow up to be er, spirited...

but on the plus side he is^ likely to grow up....

I'd drop this friend like a sack of shit tbh..

[DeepanKrispanEven]

Tell her what her children's spiritedness cost in terms of repairing and clearing up the damage they caused and ask when she plans to repay you.

[Katherine2626]

She sounds like a mad, socially untrained person with ditto kids. Cut her off at once. Damage limitation exercise. If she asks why. tell her loud and clear - her children are vandals, she is allowing them to become socially unacceptable and nobody will want them around.

[Beezley]

Tell her in no uncertain terms to piss off and learn to control her kids

[user1493391099]

IT sounds as if she makes digs about your son as a defence mechanism for hers because she's knows they are out of control, rude and probably is completely aware about what people think of them but is either in denial or it's too late to do anything about it. Can't stand those type of parents who think other people revolve around their child. who wants a friend like that. Get rid of her and her rude, disrespectful brats.

[KarmaStar]

Her actions were so irresponsible and disrespectful.
I would tell her that you are very happy with your (responsible)child raising skills and that you were not impressed to discover that despite clear instructions she had blithely sent her children to risk injury and poisoning whilst causing extensive damage to your property that requires paying for.
I'd then consider giving her a bill and I'd definitely put a gate and fencing up to keep them out as no doubt they'll return next year for more 'fun'.
She is certainly no friend to you.

[MrsCrabbyTree]

It would be too stressful for me to have a friend with an attitude like that. Far better to have a true friend who respects you and your possessions... a friend with similar values to your own. (and mine ).

It makes me sad and angry to image how your garden was ravaged. Hope it grows back quickly.

[puglife15]

She sounds really awful and abused your trust.

And I say this as someone who generally thinks kids need more freedom and less mollycoddling.

Some 8&10 year olds would have been absolutely fine without supervision in that situation incidentally - I would trust my DNs who are that age. They would have gone in, picked a few bits of fruit and left.

[Pellucid123]

I'm new to MN and it seems to me that lot of people have a very weird concept of what constitutes a "friend". Why would you want these selfish berks in your life?

[specialsubject]

Ah, bringing up free spirits. Or ' disobedient selfish little shits' as the rest of the world calls them.

They will get such a kicking in the real world, if they don't end up in prison - and it wont really be their fault as they know no better.