to suggest friend supervises her own kids?

[Taubenpost]

People have different parenting styles. I completely get that. However, there is "letting kids make their own mistakes" and there is being irreponsible and ruining other people's stuff.

Some months back I offered a friend fruit from our garden. She enthusiastically said yes. We were away when it was ripe, so I explained carefully which trees it was (she wouldn't necessarily have found them easily otherwise) and that other plants in the same area were delicate/ needed not to be trampled/ had poisonous fruit and leaves. She said "oh I'll send the kids in then". I referred her back to what I had said about delicate/poisonous plants, and said it would be better if she could pick the fruit herself, as I was not comfortable with unsupervised 8 & 10 year olds potentially picking the wrong things.

Got home to find delicate plants trashed, branches ripped off, fruits picked unripe & thrown on the ground, saplings pulled out of the ground. Fruit trees with ripe fruit were also pretty trashed, all the fruit taken and branches ripped off and thrown on the ground.

Saw friend, mentioned the garden was in need of a bit of TLC. She said "yeah the kids had a great time" and had apparently sent them in to play by themselves on several days. Apparently it takes a village to raise a child (she loves this phrase) so sending her kids to play in our garden when we are away is appropriate...

Since then she has been making digs repeatedly about me being a helicopter parent and how her kids are independent learners, fearless, brave, inquisitive, etc while my DS is scared of other people, can't walk or talk yet because I mollycoddle him.

FFS. DS is normal, he's 1. Her kids are indeed fearless, but inappropriately so in the context of trashing our garden with zero supervision. GRRR.

Or am I uptight and denying her children their right to a childhood?

[FlouncyDoves]

Bin her and her feral children off.

[saoirse31]

Think u need to up your assertiveness a bit. You should have told her directly what they did, and how much the damage cost, not the ' its a pity. ' and ''good they didn't eat poisonous...'.

I'd regard friendship as over.

[CurbsideProphet]

That woman isn't your friend. I don't know how you can say that she is

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

Ditch them. You won't change how they parent or the behaviour of their children.

[UserThenLotsOfNumbers]

With friends like that, who needs enemies...

[Joolsy]

If she's making digs at you, she is insecure and probably jealous that you are taking the time to raise your child appropriately, whereas she just can't be bothered

[RandomMess]

She's just disrespectful isn't she? It's disrespectful to let them in your garden unsupervised when you had asked her not. You tried to do something nice she was a CF about it.

[rookiemere]

Wow her DCs sound like menaces. At 8 at 10 - even if she did send them unsupervised - I'd expect them to do the job they were sent for, which was to collect fruit.

Do you get anything from the friendship? I'd be inclined to stop meeting her.

[diddl]

As soon as she said that she would send the kids in you should have told her no & made sure that they had no access to the garden!

She's no friend, just move on.

[eddielizzard]

i'd be very upset. you did her a kindness and she abused it. it's not about age or parenting, it's about lack of respect for other people's things.

[Kualabear]

Put your arm around her shoulder and say ' would you like me to teach your children how respect other people's property? As you know, the age of criminal responsibility is fast approaching for your 2 and I would hate to see them in trouble with the police simply because they have irresponsible parents'

[Beamur]

It's really hard to be friends with people with wildly different parenting styles.
You'll probably find this will increase as your child gets older.
These friends don't sound very compatible with you.

[Chickoletta]

These people are not your friends!

[SandAndSea]

She sounds like an arsehole to me. I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

[TheHungryDonkey]

She’s a twat. Tell her the village needs to pay for the damage.

[Bettyspants]

How long ago did this happen? Guessing by the fruit that it was a couple of months ago in which case it's a bit late to bring it up again. However, if you go away even for the night I'd use the opportunity to say something like " we are away for a couple of days, please ensure your children DO NOT use my garden. When I kindly said YOU could pick fruit I did not expect my garden to be used as a playground with substantial damage caused to it . I had assumed if the children were helping you they would have been respectful to my property," in fact I'd pop a message through the door. I wouldn't worry about stirring any up as she's CF and her kids are feral . OP you need to toughen up and stand up for yourself!

[BoredOnMatLeave]

Not really what the thread is about but why is a 10 year old even doing that? He is more than old enough to not destroy someone's garden, nearly secondary school age ffs.

You do need to be more assertive about it, and bin her as a friend.

[ruthsmumkath]

TBH children picking unripe fruit and breaking branches doesn't sound feral it just sounds like kids.

Maybe your friend didn't see what they had done.

Atleast you know not to offer again. Maybe better to waste a bit of fruit next time.

Maybe distance yourself from your 'friend' you maybe are too different.
I wouldn't be too critical of your 'friends' kids however - you might find your own DS behaves even worse when he's older.

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

She doesn't seem to care about you, your feelings, your property.

So don't feel you need to partcularly care about her feelings either. Just tell her that you don't want her children in your home due to them causing a lot of damage to your garden that cost a lot of money to fix and as your friend doesn't seem to feel that it's her duty to tidy up or replace things they destroy, nor bother stopping them, then you don't want to host them ever again.

It'll probably be the end of your friendship, but people like this do end up rather isolated due to their own behaviour.

[DingDongDenny]

For people saying the OP should get the kids around to healp repair the damage - I wouldn't want them near my garden ever again. It's up to the mum to teach them to respect other people's property and she clearly isn't going to

TBH I'd just bin the friendship and make sure they knew they were never to come into my garden again

[Blackteadrinker77]

I brought my children up to be independent, but I raised them with respect and manners.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Why do you waste time listening to this smug woman's drivel, she is not a friend, and not an exemplary mother..
Not a good person to have in your life, or around your Son.
I think there's a bit of the green eyed monster rearing its ugly head, mixed in with this.
Next time you have an abundance of fruit, donate to the village church, where the ladies will be grateful, and make Jam.

[MiddleClassProblem]

I would be putting and end to this friendship. Let it fizzle out. She’s a dick and no point in pointing any of it out as she won’t listen.

[dameglittersparkles]

She sounds like an absolute fucking peach 🍑😂 sorry couldn't help it.
Seriously you need to bin her off she's a twat

[GreenBook]

Sounds like the sort of person you need to see without kids present, if you want to continue the friendship. Some parenting styles are just too different.

Personally, I think those kids sound awful to be around. But then I'm on the uptight / strict / old fashioned end of the spectrum. I'm sure she can find other parents who are more like her, to spend time with as a family.