To think my children are having a shit childhood and not know what to do about it

[Lunaluce]

After another stress-filled weekend I'm sitting feeling a failure again and don't know what to do.

Dc are 10 & 8 yr old boys and I am divorced. The think I struggle with so much is the fact that they are so different and argue so bloody much. Every weekend I negotiate a minefield of squabbles and bickering until I finally flip at the end and a horrible shout ensues leaving us all in tears.

They never want to do the same thing. I read threads on here about people playing board games and snuggling watching films etc and wonder why there's no harmony like that in my house. Everything is a tortured argument about whose turn it is to choose, it's not fair etc etc and I hear myself snapping, saying negative things to them and feel so awful but it all makes me feel so shit it's so hard to sound positive and be patient. They did play Monopoly tonight but it ended in tears as usual - I don't know why we bother. National Trust place was shit really as they kept trying to make each other laugh making fart noises in the café and they didn't want to run about and let off steam which I think they need.

Bloody screens are a nightmare - it seems to be all ds2 wants to do and ds1 is writing a politics book so seems unfair to limit him, but 'it's not fair!' yet all sd2 wants to do is watch videos of other people doing stuff he won't bloody do!

I work f/t in a very stressful job and I honestly think I'm taking it out on them which is awful - I don't snap at people at work and cry randomly like I do at home and that's awful. But at weekends I feel I don't stop. I have low standards and have done no real cooking this weekend yet I've barely sat down either and there's so much I haven't done.

They spend Mondays at their dad's and a small bit of weekend time too and he does nothing with them. Ds1 complains of being bored there (to me, wouldn't to dad) and ds2 loves it as there's no limits on screen time. I think that's why he never wants to do a lot at home - it's like he's forgotten how to play and when he does do other stuff it's annoying shit like get every paint pot out, pour out a lake of it, paint a tiny lego doll, then leave it all or be nagged by me to clean it up after 5 minutes of 'craft'. I feel ex doesn't interact with them an awful lot, and if I try to put routines etc in place to adjust their behaviour it all goes to shit because of the time they spend there. But I can't cut it back because I need to work - he gives me nothing and has very limited earning potential.

I just don't know what to do. Their childhoods are nearly over and I'm fucking it up. All they'll remember is me shouting and none of the stress is their fault. Their dad is shit and there's nothing I can do about that either. It's a pointless post anyway but it did feel good to vent...

You sound like a lovely mum!

How about Friday nights taking turns to choose a takeaway pizza (with a chart marking who has chosen in which week and you get a week too) and then Saturday night taking turns whats for dinner from a recipe in a book or on the internet, DS writes the list of what needs to be bought and then helps you cook it. The other one can help or have free time but does the dishes after. All written on a chart to keep a note of who has done what each week.

For the cricketer would he play family rounders or baseball on the park or batting cages? Would the dancer enjoy a boys gymnastics class? My DS is only one but he needs exercise, exercise, exercise. Swimming pool with waves/flumes is a good idea too, or lessons. It's not the weather for it just now but I loved watersports at a child and hope my son becomes a sailor too.

The older one sounds academic and politically minded so might like scouts or something like a nature club or stargazing club. Anything like that on the go nearby?

Also card games can be quite good - try exploding kittens. I also loved standard card games (solitaire etc) as a kid of about that age.

Can you sign them both up to a swimming club or something for the saturday mornings? Something they can use up energy on and will give you a little breathing space.

Then they can chill infront of tv saturday afternoon guilt free.

I swear a parenting program a while ago where the children were bickering horribly and the mother was very stressed. The parenting expert told her that each time they come to her wailing about what the other one has done she had to redirect them back to their sibling. She would say that the problem was something they needed to sort between them, and work out a way forward without her. The children soon realised that they had nothing to gain by fighting with each other as it wasn't getting them the attention from the mum that it usually did.

I don't know if that helps at all, but it certainly worked well on the programme.

Saw*

you sound a fab Mum!

I recently heard a thing about sibling arguing in the radio. The Dr said it is very normal thing.
She also said it had been proved that siblings argue more when there is a patent in the same room. And the very best thing you can do is to NOT get involved. That is very hard but the more you ignore them/leave the room, the less they will argue.

Maybe give that a try?

I have a week to view diary. I am on my own with the kids. Everything is planned and noted. Meals, school, work, appointments, tasks, everything. There are no surprises, just knowledge and continuity. Each week they take turns who chooses what we do at the weekend. Its written down, no arguing. They are ok if its not their choice they know their turn will come. its usually free stuff, bike trips are good, i only finance one thing a month. We have done this for years. Sometimes the choice is just pancake breakfast. Its good. We can sit around all morning with that.

Mine always did stuff with me, wouldnt be in a different room and for a couple of years they slept in my bed, especially after visiting their dad. It has been really hard. But my main thing was to talk. We are a team, they have to do jobs and like pocket money, screen time is earned.

At the moment it is sort of working for us. We have stressful times and tantrums, and they are nearing the age when they will want more independence - they talk about it now. I think, at the end of the day, communication has been most important to us. Even when i have been beyond skint, we could talk.

Thanks for the Ted talk link situp that was really interesting and reassuring.

You could encourage them to learn a martial art so that they can physically interact in a positive way?

My DCs do activities on a Saturday morning so they are too knackered to bother arguing with each other in the afternoon. It also means I get the whole morning to myself and can get lots of chores done without having to referee a squabble every 5 mins. Monopoly is the work of the devil and should be avoided at all costs.

Your OP pretty much describes my house most of the time, OP!

I have two boys - a 12yo who becomes more like Kevin the Teenager every day but who is also very academic. He likes playing Minecraft and watching videos about nuclear fusion and North Korean politics on our TV/PS3. Then I have a 5yo (he's a 'young' 5 too) who likes playing Minecraft on the TV and watching Paw Patrol on an endless loop. Neither want to do anything else in winter and they fight like cat and dog over who uses the TV, who is currently annoying who and getting in whose way, talking too loud and so on and on and on... Drives me up the wall! Their dad is also useless and leaves their stepmum to do the bulk of it when they are there.

It's really hard when you have a big age gap - DS2 absolutely idolises DS1 and follows him around everywhere. DS1 gets very annoyed by this and gets annoyed when I talk about stuff DS2 likes more. I explain that his 5 year old brother doesn't want to sit through endless conversation about Donald Trump's policies, then we all end up falling out and shouting.

The best thing to do is get them all out of the house as much as possible. Both of mine love being outdoors once they actually get there, it does require some nagging and cajoling first though. Not sure getting them both to do a martial art would be the best plan with my two as they'd use it against each other!

I also tery to remember that me and my sister detested each other and fought all the time as children. As adults we are great friends.

Oh, one thing I've noticed is that having had to fight to be heard over his older brother a bit, DS2 is far, far better at negotiating school friendships, fall outs and dealing with nastiness from other kids than DS1 ever was. So I try to look upon that as a positive - it may drive me bonkers but they do learn social skills through it in a weird way.

Sorry haven't rtft but firstly you are not doing anything wrong - you are doing your best!

I feel so strongly that kids need much more exercise than they get in modern life - unfortunately school is far too much sitting down especially as they get older.

I would try to refocus the weekend on as much physical activity as possible - and after school aim for outdoor time as well.

I know how hard it is to change habits but there are lots of stuff for older kids like scouts/ sea cadets/ family rambling associations / my local area (which is london not even the countryside) has faimly bike ride meet ups at weekends - bmx tracks/ cricket clubs etc

They might say they don't want to go out but they need it - all of us are too sedentary and I really see the impact on my son when he doesn't get enough running about.

The bickering is very normal especially as you are probably feeling tense - don't feel bad for not having friends - this is something you really can change.

Perhaps make your aim to find some people in the area through groups / meet ups and some outdoor activities they will like. I think the problem with national trust is they have to put the work in to think of what to do

Do you have any youth clubs or adventure playgrounds near you?

Adventure playgrounds are usually staffed and kids over 6 can be left without adult supervision.

I am getting into the swing of weekends alone with kids and it's hard work! You have my sympathy. Less is more. Sod the National Trust and stick to a walk to the supermarket or park. Go via somewhere they can have a treat like a hot choc on the way back if they behave/help. Sod craft unless they ask to do it, they're old enough to know what they enjoy doing. Keep things simple and presuming they've done a bit of exercise or chores, relax on the screen time. It's how they unwind and it's more interactive than the TV. I agree swimming or martial arts in the morning creates a calmer house for the rest of the day. A cooked meal of the sort I'd not usually have time to make also seems to make my kids less grumpy. You're doing fine. X

As other posters have said, you sound like a good mum. They all go through phases like this, however many parents they have/ however 'perfect' the parents are.

When mine do this for too long I mimic them. Not nastily, I just speak back to them in the same voice using the same phrases they use: It's not fair! I made dinner yesterday! It's not my turn today.' But I do it with a bit of a twinkle, so they see I'm not getting at them. They do realise how horrible it sounds though and that helps them stop.

One trick worth trying is to stop chores feeling like chores. It sounds a bit cheesy but it works: 'Let's make your room lovely for Christmas and put some lights up' sounds better to them than 'Your oom is a tip, tidy it.' You could try: let's take all this junk to the tip so our house looks lovely for Christmas and on the way back, anyone who's helped gets to choose a cake/hot chocolate etc.

Monopoly is a bloody nightmare. I find shorter games work better. A quick game of cards or pick up monkeys or an easier board game is more fun.

Don't worry about cooking. You work FT and you're a single parent. A shop bought lasagne with some salad or baked chicken or fish with rice and steamed veg - that sort of dinner involves no preparation.
I made a rul no screens at table, so we could chat, and I'd focus the chat on stuff that interested them - what do they want to do over the holidays or who was naughty at school today or what is their dream dinner/favourite film etc. You can store up that sort of info for treats later.

Like with anything that's not going well, I think trying to do things the way you want them for short 5-10 minute bursts at first is the way forward. If you can get a 10 min card game out of them, or sit together for one episode of a funny cartoon you all like (Simpsons?) then you're doing fine. Then when they get stroppy you can say, 'What's up? You were so happy when we were playing cards/watching the Simpsons.' If I sound concerned rather than angry it works much better at diffusing their squabbles.

So they love spending time with you, and they love spending time with each other? Not all the time but some of it!

Sounds like you are raising 2 caring, kind and affectionate children

Re the continually arguments, fights etc I think that's most people's existence. Mine have never "snuggled" unless using me as a mattress when ill.

If you have a garden turf them out for an hour in the morning to get jobs done? Down the park for an hour with an ice cream or hot choc for walk back? Reward chores with money - not much but enough maybe to get a comic although mine always row over comics

Screens imo are bad at night, but fine in the day. Minecraft is something they could play together maybe.

Lunaluce
Show your kids your post and this thread. They're old enough to understand that they have a part to play, and to work out that changes need to be made.
Let them be involved in working out how to fix the problem.