To think my children are having a shit childhood and not know what to do about it

[Lunaluce]

After another stress-filled weekend I'm sitting feeling a failure again and don't know what to do.

Dc are 10 & 8 yr old boys and I am divorced. The think I struggle with so much is the fact that they are so different and argue so bloody much. Every weekend I negotiate a minefield of squabbles and bickering until I finally flip at the end and a horrible shout ensues leaving us all in tears.

They never want to do the same thing. I read threads on here about people playing board games and snuggling watching films etc and wonder why there's no harmony like that in my house. Everything is a tortured argument about whose turn it is to choose, it's not fair etc etc and I hear myself snapping, saying negative things to them and feel so awful but it all makes me feel so shit it's so hard to sound positive and be patient. They did play Monopoly tonight but it ended in tears as usual - I don't know why we bother. National Trust place was shit really as they kept trying to make each other laugh making fart noises in the café and they didn't want to run about and let off steam which I think they need.

Bloody screens are a nightmare - it seems to be all ds2 wants to do and ds1 is writing a politics book so seems unfair to limit him, but 'it's not fair!' yet all sd2 wants to do is watch videos of other people doing stuff he won't bloody do!

I work f/t in a very stressful job and I honestly think I'm taking it out on them which is awful - I don't snap at people at work and cry randomly like I do at home and that's awful. But at weekends I feel I don't stop. I have low standards and have done no real cooking this weekend yet I've barely sat down either and there's so much I haven't done.

They spend Mondays at their dad's and a small bit of weekend time too and he does nothing with them. Ds1 complains of being bored there (to me, wouldn't to dad) and ds2 loves it as there's no limits on screen time. I think that's why he never wants to do a lot at home - it's like he's forgotten how to play and when he does do other stuff it's annoying shit like get every paint pot out, pour out a lake of it, paint a tiny lego doll, then leave it all or be nagged by me to clean it up after 5 minutes of 'craft'. I feel ex doesn't interact with them an awful lot, and if I try to put routines etc in place to adjust their behaviour it all goes to shit because of the time they spend there. But I can't cut it back because I need to work - he gives me nothing and has very limited earning potential.

I just don't know what to do. Their childhoods are nearly over and I'm fucking it up. All they'll remember is me shouting and none of the stress is their fault. Their dad is shit and there's nothing I can do about that either. It's a pointless post anyway but it did feel good to vent...

Monopoly always ends in tears. Winner takes all, and the rest of you know you're losing, but there's little you can do to speed your exit from the game.

If it's any consolation, my DS2 regarded my DS1 as a freak. They really did not get on. But as adults they have a lovely supportive relationship.

Take all the posts on here about "snuggling on the sofa" with a pinch of salt.

It's very much a facebook sort of place with people painting gilded pictures of their lives and showing only the highlights.

You seem like a nice and supportive mum.
Have a look at www.handinhandparenting.org/. They have a facebook support group for pre-teens. They encourage, play-listening, stay-listening and special time for the kids and for you to find a listening partner to support yourself and vent.

OP give yourself a break. Sounds like you're doing a great job.

I find my boys get on much better when they've had some time apart. Can you drop one at a friend's house then do something with the other one? In our house weekends when they're together all the time are tough. Particularly at this age (mine are now 9 and 12 and it's a bit better).

My kids are like this too. I’m hugely disappointed with how it has turned out. I’m divorced, their father is minimally involved (his choice) but DS2 worships him. DS1 & 2 do t study at school, and see to have no ambition. They squabble, bitch and fight like animals. I workFT too and am very disappointed that I think we have a crap home life.
Ds3 is happy , but obsessed with a screen and I’ve kind of lost the will to insist that he leaves it ...

snuggling on the sofa only works with one child, with 2 its a fight over mum

sometimes the rosy pictures painted as lovely family times are just fairy tales

I used to feel like a rubbish parent because Sats went like this:

morning dcs went to either to music class and football class down the road at nearby sports centre between 10 and 12. Then lunch (usually fishfingers and chips and cherry tomatoes followed by trifle or icecream, all shop bought) Then a brief interlude of telly, following by back to back swimming lessons at local leisure centre followed by Dr Who on our return. Then story and bed. Bliss.

Where was the family walk, the craft activities, the educational and rustic chores I was going to catch up with whilst the children entertained themselves making dens and tidying their rooms, the thank you letters, the lying in bed reading a book or crotcheting pom pom animals that I knew a real childhood consisted of? The mates dropping in to ask them to play in the street, with conkers and to swap stickers, or even better to take them to the shop on the corner to spend their 2p pocket money on barley sugar twists? Alas, none of this happened. I just about survived Sats by doing everything the same every single bloody Sat. I had a dh but it took two of us to even manage that, we were certainly never able to have friends over; I tended to talk to people whilst out and about with the kids.

It kind of sounds more like you are having a shit time as another, rather than them having a shit childhood. They sound like they are just doing what kids do, and they probably won't even remember the shouting while they're reminiscing about fart noises in the cafe in twenty years time! I would try not up feel so guilty. X

I have ds (10) and dd (7) and honestly sometimes they argue so much I just want to shake them. Everything's 'no fair' and I can feel my blood boiling because in comparison to a lot of kids they lead a charmed life!

Also hard finding things they'll both enjoy - dd loves crafts, dancing, cooking. Ds loves PS4, football and str Wars.

When they do get on it's magical and they can be so so so nice individually and it reminds me they're good kids under it all but OMFG sometimes the whining and moaning and sighing and hugging and puffing and winding each other up makes me want to run away!

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but it's not plain sailing for anyone I don't think.

OP sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I have two dc and also a single parent. Remember there's very limited amount you can do about your ex not bothering, so I'd let go of that. Your boys will make their own opinion of his parenting when they grow up.

Could you try doing a different activity with each child separately? So a game with one and then painting with the other, if they don't both like the same thing? My dc also watch too much t.v. and I will do separate activities, one playing a game whilst the other reads a book or watches tv. I don't have much crossover with my two either. Many times I've vowed not to take them on days out together due to the rows! However they both like swimming so I take them to the pool.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, you're doing your best and no one is perfect!

Sometimes we have a picture perfect of what childhood should be like or what we should be doing. It's hard to drop our expectations and work with the here and now. As mum we can not fix it all too.

Craft is over-rated. Monopoly is horrific, play Labyrinth instead.

Could they take up a hobby on say Sat mornings? This works well for us. They have a good run about, I slowly gather my energy over a large coffee and come lunchtime, we are all in a good place to do something together. We also have little routines - bakery bread and cakes for Sat lunch (10 year old buys those by himself and feels grown up), bits and pieces in fromt of the tv Sun night.

I'm sure you're not fucking it up, it's just real life, not Facebrag.

Apparently the Queen banned Monopoly at Christmas because of the arguments. Something like Pieface might be better - emphasis on fun rather than taking your opponents to the cleaners!

How about letting them do different things? If DS2 wants screen time, let him have screen time. As long as his homework is done, let him enjoy his leisure time how he sees fit. Organize activities with DS1 with DS2 welcome to join if he wants. If most weekends are ending in tears, something has to give.

Swimming is a good activity to burn up energy and have fun. Is there a local pool you could go to?

Also do persevere with other activities and ignore the moaning. Mine will also moan like crazy but generally they do enjoy it and the more you do it the better it becomes.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job, kids are so tough sometimes.

Luna I worry that I’m giving my DC a crap childhood to remember - full of a shouty and stressed out mum. I work FT and am a single parent. Ex does have DC once a week but it feels impossible to get into a consistently good routine as the DC are spread between two houses.

I think mine bicker because they are always together, either with me or with ex. I can’t do 1:1 time with one whilst my ex has the other as I work while he has them. If we were still together we could split them up and do things 1:1 more easily which would help the bickering I’m sure - but it’s not possible in my situation.

I also don’t have friends I can call on to hang out at weekends. My life has basically become about work and looking after DC. Can’t host play dates (because work!) and consequently invites for the DC have dried up.

I wish I knew how to make it better. Every weekend I tell myself I’ll be a calm and lovely mum. Then the bickering starts. Then one wants screen time and doesn’t want to do anything which involves any physical exertion and we have a battle about leaving the house. Then I cook and they both hate what I’ve made. Then I get annoyed and give easy freezer food for next meal. Then I worry I am feeding them utter crap.

It’s a never ending Groundhog Day but they’re growing up so fast, I feel a bit panicked that I don’t have much time to give them good (non stress mum) childhood memories.

Labyrinth is great. Ds2 also liked jigsaws briefly for a year when he was 8..you could try that they certainly take a long time to finish.

I think it would be fair to say that no board game works initiallly without a parent sitting there slogging through it a thousand couple of times. Often they won't "play" without an adult present - those that do, have been playing board games for many many years with adults present at the beginning of time.

Op I think it’s normal, I have 2 boys the same ages. Today they bonded over the bloody x box. They had malteaser bars for breakfast. They stayed in their jimjams ALL day.

I am not living a sparkly perfect life, I think very few of us are.
I think peachypips idea of talking about your plans on friday is a brilliant idea. Take heart

Oh OP...and regarding the paint and "crappy crafts" I dish out the paint whenever mine want to craft.

I buy cheap tubes of acrylic from places like The Works and it's so highly pigmented that they only need a ten pence sized blob of each colour.

Mine aren't allowed to pour out paint as it's so often wasted..like yours, mine will want to do something and take five minutes over it.

I don't like to squash their "artistic urges" but won't stand for waste either! Little buggers.

I don't do board games AT ALL here. I know people see them as important but they're a recpie for disaster. I just bought Jenga as it's more physical and will see how it goes down.

But Monopoly and two highly competative kids? NOPE!

Well I feel a bit better now - thanks everyone.

I do need to address the shouting but maybe lowering expectations is the way forward. We went to said Nat Trust place this time last year and they loved the Christmas trail and playing hide and seek, but maybe trying to recreate the same day a year later was a mistake.

The stupid thing is, despite all the arguing they are so close and ds2 has been sleeping in his brother's bed for months now. I think it's a security thing and triggered by the fact that they share a room at their dad's.

An idea from the "how to talk..." book (which I'd thoroughly recommend) is sit them down, state the problem that weekends aren't working and you're all grumpy, and brainstorm a list of possible solutions. Include some daft ones yourself (ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner) to get them going and write down whatever they say no matter how silly. Add your own sensible ones in too. When you have a good long list, go through it together discounting the daft ones. You may well find something useful in there. Apart from anything else, just making a plan will make you feel better.

Well there's something you've got on me OP! Mine wouldn't sleep in the same bed at all! DD1 would freak at DD2 if she dared to try.

So there's one of your cute, idylic moments....the boys snuggled together in bed.

I think it's a case of just noticing the rare, beautiful moments and appreciating them.

Sometimes there's only one in a whole day!

You actually sound like you have really high standards (especially for yourself) and are doing a great job. I've got two boys who argue a lot but I don't think it's as bad for them as it is for me, and of course you lose patience with if, we all do! Also there childhoods are definitely not nearly over, they are still very young, you don't have to get everything right this minute, you are getting there.

Hats off to you, I don't know how you (and others with more than one dc) do it. I am a lone parent but with one ds, which isn't without it's challenges but sometimes he'll have a cousin stay over and good god...I seriously cannot put up with the guaranteed bickering that comes with it. I am patient on many levels but kids arguing - it seriously drives me nuts and I have zero patience for it. If they come to me with 'he said this, he said that' I literally respond with "I don't care. Sort it out yourselves." Then I vow never to arrange a sleepover again.

Monotony (as it is known in our house) is tedious and divisive. Try twister or giant tiddlywinks or anything a bit more fun.

An active Saturday morning hobby, a lazy afternoon and some evening family time, (pizza, video, games) is a good balance. Kids love routines.

Don't beat yourself up, you sound like you are doing your best in difficult circumstances.

OP. You are being much much too hard on yourself! Take heart, what you describe does not sound so unusual. Frustrating and stressful? Yes. Unusual to the point that you should be berrating yourself for giving your kids a shit childhood? No.