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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this icky?

54 replies

YellowAardvark · 17/12/2017 08:21

Not sure if IABU and a bit mean to a friend so was interested in views.

I have a close male friend, let's call him Fred. Fred and I are very close friends and have never been more (I am in a relationship) but recently some things have made me wonder whether I should continue.

Fred is desperate to meet "the one" and get married and settle down and so on, and it's something we end up talking about a lot as I seem to have become is go-to for these sorts of conversations. He dates a lot and seems to have plenty of women keen but the ones he likes back don't seem to work out for various reasons.

But I have been finding some of his comments a little icky and uncomfortable recently, and wondered if I am being too harsh. For example:

  • Meeting girls in bars then saying to me "she's not wife material"
  • Saying of another female friend of his that he messages often "I'd sleep with her but not marry her" (this unprompted)
  • Never saying so explicitly but implying that he is not attracted to me (which is fine in itself but still is uncomfortable)
  • Being critical of my partner (I work very hard to shut this down but it keeps popping up)
  • Asking me 'can you help me find a wife?'
  • Telling me details about his life I'm not sure I want to know ie sex life related things

I find it icky but he's going through a tough time and don't know if I'm being harsh

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 17/12/2017 08:23

If I were you I would ditch Fred as a friend because he doesn't actually sound like a nice friend at all.

Original poster
YellowAardvark · 17/12/2017 08:25

He used to be ... I don't know when it turned or if I just started to notice things more?

OP posts:
Cheekyandfreaky · 17/12/2017 08:25

He sounds like a misogynistic prick frankly. What the heck is ‘wife material’?! I could not be friends with him- there is no excuse for his behaviour in my book.

Silverthorn · 17/12/2017 08:26

I don't see the problem.

ZigZagandDustin · 17/12/2017 08:26

Well I think you beat some responsibility to let someone know they are stepping over the line. He sounds like kind of a clueless jerk to be honest but why aren't you more direct with him when he says stuff like this? People need to learn boundaries, they don't always come naturally and often they have had bad role models for what's ok to say and what's not. So it's not your job to educate him but i think if you want to stay friends with him you'll need to step up and speak out.

Sparklingbrook · 17/12/2017 08:28

Can I ask how old Fred is, because he sounds very immature.

cheesydoesit · 17/12/2017 08:28

YANBU, he doesn't sound great to be honest and his attitude stinks. I bet he thinks he's a 'nice guy' and can't comprehend why he can't find a 'good girl'. It's hard I know, as I have got older I have reassessed the attitudes of male friends I have been very close to in the past since my teens and it's disappointing to realise they are basically misogynists.

Original poster
YellowAardvark · 17/12/2017 08:29

That's a fair point ZigZag I have pulled him up in the past about talking about women's looks in my presence as found uncomfortable and he was mortified and changed his behaviour a bit after that

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowAardvark · 17/12/2017 08:29

He's close to 30 ...

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 17/12/2017 08:33

Is he a bit jealous that you have a partner and are happy maybe? 30 is still young and he has plenty of time to find a wife but he doesn't sound much of a catch.

What does your DP think of it all?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 17/12/2017 08:33

Maybe instead of looking for "suitable wife material", he should consider modelling himself as suitable husband material

FatRedCrayon · 17/12/2017 08:34

I've had a friend like this. I tried to make it clear when he made comments like this that I didn't think it was a nice thing to say.

I'd either laugh and gently ridicule, or tell him straight it wasn't on, or similar, depending on what he'd said.

He's better now, although still single, so not sure if he's just more careful what he says to me.

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/12/2017 08:36

How has nobody snapped him up...

Skarossinkplunger · 17/12/2017 08:37

This sounds exactly like a friendship. I don’t see the problem.

Sparklingbrook · 17/12/2017 08:37

It's a mystery for sure Dowager.

RainyApril · 17/12/2017 08:42

Isn't this the sort of thing friends talk about then, who they fancy, who might be long-term relationship material?

Because I've heard plenty of women dismissing men who aren't 'husband material' -because they still live with their Mum, don't have a steady job, are womanisers and so on.

EmilyChambers79 · 17/12/2017 08:42

I've a female friend who behaves in this exact way. I tell her to calm it down as she's coming across a bit desperate.

Her opening line to anyone she meets is, "hi I'm x I'm single".

Maybe tell your friend to tone it down and say it comes across as a bit full on.

I don't see anything wrong with him saying that someone isn't wife material. I know I've had conversations about people I've seen in the last with my friends where you say no not husband material etc after chatting to them, had a first date etc.

Maybe he feels comfortable that he can talk to you about this? If you feel uncomfortable then tell him, he may not realise.

Toffeelatteplease · 17/12/2017 08:46

I'm struggling to understand what he's done wrong.

When (briefly) single I met men I would have slept with but not considered long term relationship prospects, sometimes because of them sometimes because I'd have got fed up with them. (I am assuming its not because he met them in a bar they are not marriage material)

It sounds more to me like you've got fed up with the kind of conversations you've fallen into having together. I'd either start changing the conversations or cooling the relationship.

Cantuccit · 17/12/2017 08:48

Sounds like women fall into 3 categories for him: those he'd shag, those he'd marry and those he thinks fancy him so tells them details of sex life but tells them he's not attracted to.

I'd tell him you don't want to hear it. If he persists then it's clear he doesn't respect you, so then ditch him.

Cantuccit · 17/12/2017 08:48

Attracted to them.

Frogletmamma · 17/12/2017 08:49

Sounds like he is commitment phobic. He thinks he wants a partner but then again maybe not. If he was 40 rather than 30 I might be worrying. I also wonder about relationship with mother. For some daughter in laws never good enough. Try and get him to be friends with some women then maybe he will have less of an attitude.

Original poster
YellowAardvark · 17/12/2017 08:51

Interesting views ... am glad I asked because it really is one of those times when I don't know if IABU.

I think my last conversation left me wondering as it seemed like he was assessing women in his life as wife material/would sleep with but not wife material/could potentially date but no spark and afterward I was left wondering if this is how he categorizes the women in his life, where am I? But at the same time just hoping that it's in a platonic telling me everything space and knowing that I might not even want to know even though I know

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowAardvark · 17/12/2017 08:56

Sounds like women fall into 3 categories for him: those he'd shag, those he'd marry and those he thinks fancy him so tells them details of sex life but tells them he's not attracted to.

This resonates!

I told him last month I didn't want to be his "cheif advisor" (his words he used to describe me once) after he asked me to help him find the "right girl" and we didn't really speak for a couple of weeks, but the last time I saw him it was like he couldn't help but tell me the blow by blow of everything he'd been up to with his relationships/dating since we last spoke.

To give him credit, his last on/off again thing dysfunctional AF - with someone he had considered 'wife material' - ended for good about a week ago so he's clearly hurting

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 17/12/2017 08:58

I think many people faced with the prospect of dating assess people similarly.

I'm not sure considering where you fall is terribly helpful at all. Adds a dynamic from your side that is unnecessary.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 17/12/2017 09:00

I think most of what he says is fine. Plenty of women would describe men they meet as “not husband material”. It’s fine to date someone and enjoy their company as long as all parties are clear it’s just fun and going nowhere serious.

I think it’s also fine for him to let you know he’s not attracted to you. Maybe he’s trying to make you more comfortable in a round about way that he values you as a friend and wants to keep you as a friend/would never try anything on with you. Only you know what these comments are though so I can only guess.

The sex stuff. That is on you. If you don’t want to know then tell him so. Friendships need boundaries and if you sit there nodding and making eye contact he will think it’s fine to say these things. Who wouldn’t? Some people love discussing intimate details. If you don’t, say so.

The only real issue I can see is him putting your partner down. Is it coming from a place of concern for you? Or is he actually putting you down by saying what a poor partner you’ve chosen? Or does he just not like your partner? Do they get along?

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