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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this icky?

54 replies

YellowAardvark · 17/12/2017 08:21

Not sure if IABU and a bit mean to a friend so was interested in views.

I have a close male friend, let's call him Fred. Fred and I are very close friends and have never been more (I am in a relationship) but recently some things have made me wonder whether I should continue.

Fred is desperate to meet "the one" and get married and settle down and so on, and it's something we end up talking about a lot as I seem to have become is go-to for these sorts of conversations. He dates a lot and seems to have plenty of women keen but the ones he likes back don't seem to work out for various reasons.

But I have been finding some of his comments a little icky and uncomfortable recently, and wondered if I am being too harsh. For example:

  • Meeting girls in bars then saying to me "she's not wife material"
  • Saying of another female friend of his that he messages often "I'd sleep with her but not marry her" (this unprompted)
  • Never saying so explicitly but implying that he is not attracted to me (which is fine in itself but still is uncomfortable)
  • Being critical of my partner (I work very hard to shut this down but it keeps popping up)
  • Asking me 'can you help me find a wife?'
  • Telling me details about his life I'm not sure I want to know ie sex life related things

I find it icky but he's going through a tough time and don't know if I'm being harsh

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowAardvark · 17/12/2017 09:00

I'm not sure considering where you fall is terribly helpful at all.

You're right. I probably wouldn't have wondered at all if other female friend hadn't been put in a category.

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowAardvark · 17/12/2017 09:10

Iwasjustabouttosaythat good summary. Regarding my DP I used to think it was gentle mocking and they got on fine but the last month or so it's started to feel like he's trying to drag me into conversations that are critical of my partner, which I resist. I saw Fred last night and he was drunk and it was worse than usual - I left the evening wondering if he even likes DP at all as a couple of his comments had an extra edge to them which I did not like. This is one of the parts that leaves me feeling the least comfortable, and I am not sure how to bring it up.

DP thinks Fred is a bit of a dick and would never be close to him himself, but respects my friendship.

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 17/12/2017 09:10

Relationships tend to have patterns. You talk to one person about one thing another about another.

I have a friend who tends to only be in contact when either of us need to talk about specific things. Another who we tend to talk about other aspects.

He clearly values your advice so you to have fallen into chief advisor relationship. If you aren't happy about it you really of need a long hard think about what it is about this person you actually like and why/if you want to turn the relationship onto a different track.

It's going to be a challenging job and when you don't think about it you are both going to fall back into the groove you've already set.

When you realise someone is going to wind you up regardless that's probably time to cool the friendship. It kinda like having a fling with someone then finding out they're not marriage material after all. ..

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 17/12/2017 09:14

Of Fred were a woman though and the conversation referred to men would you feel the same? I don't see a major issue here being honest.

Charolais · 17/12/2017 09:14

If ‘Fredericka' saying these thing, would it be okay?

JaneEyre70 · 17/12/2017 09:15

Jeez, how is he still single Hmm. If he is a good friend, I'd sit him down and have a chat about how unattractive it is to talk about women in the way he does, and perhaps he's being too picky and too intense...... just to slow it down a bit, get to know someone better before making a judgement on them? He sounds very immature sadly, and may need pointing in the right direction else you'll still be dealing with this in 10 years time...........

Original poster
YellowAardvark · 17/12/2017 09:19

Good point about if 'Fredericka' was saying these things ...

I honestly don't know. I don't have any female friends like this.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 17/12/2017 09:21

I don't think it would make a difference if Fred was female. They sound really hard work either way.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 17/12/2017 09:31

Hmm I wonder if Fred actually has a crush on you?

The constant reporting back to you that he doesn't find women in your company attractive, bleating about wanting a wife, criticising your dh.. it's odd that he feels the need to tell you he doesn't find you attractive so perhaps the opposite is true? Confused

That aside It must be getting tedious. It's all very self absorbed. He can't blame all of his relationship difficulties on the women he meets- he needs to take a look at himself.

oldmum22 · 17/12/2017 09:35

I think he is just asking for advice from someone he trusts. You need to tell him to rethink his criteria and that sometimes in life, things are not so black and white i.e shag/marry/friend. I think I would encourage him to work on his self esteem and perhaps mention there are some women who may have the same attitude as he has ,and one day he might fall into the shag category from a females pov, whilst he has fallen deeply and madly in love. He isn't weird , he just needs help working out who is the "one".

Ohyesiam · 17/12/2017 09:38

Sounds like a friendship to me.
I don't get why you are complaining that he doesn't fancy you, is that really what you want?
He wants to marry, do you think it should just be to anyone, the first to agree. It's not an intelligent approach is it? He has to have a selection process.
The only thing I get here is him slagging of your partner. Tell him not to.
Same with him talking about sex.

What level do you want to interact with him on? Is it that you feel like it's all about him, or that it's too repetitive? Or do you just want to dial it down and talk about work, and plans for Christmas etc.

Gaudeamus · 17/12/2017 10:24

Next time he brings up the topic of his dates etc, you could gently suggest that his desire to settle down might be causing him to reject people too quickly; that the type of language he uses has become quite judgmental and in fact a bit offensive at times; and that he might need to honestly reflect on whether his attitude to women is changing for the worse as a result of his frustration.

Sometimes when people are unhappy it can get translated into negativity and meanness, and they don't always notice it themselves. Let him know - the more critical he becomes, the less likely he is to find someone.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 17/12/2017 10:49

I agree with Gaude. That's a really kind diplomatic way of making him aware of the situation. If he's a good friend, you shouldn't hesitate to tell him how you're feeling.

LoveInTokyo · 17/12/2017 10:52

Ugh.

Obviously the reason why he hasn't found "the one" is because he is not "husband material".

ferntwist · 17/12/2017 10:53

YANBU. HIBVU. Fred seems to have no regard for your feelings - you’re just a sounding board for him. He’s clearly jealous of your DP - not saying he wants to steal you away, but your DP has something he doesn’t, a serious relationship.
What’s in this friendship for you?

ferntwist · 17/12/2017 10:54

Also, do you know why your DP doesn’t like him? That’s quite telling.

KHShasabigproblem · 17/12/2017 10:59

This reply has been deleted

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stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/12/2017 11:01

Ugh no wonder he is single ! Sounds like he is simultaneously picky whilst not having much to offer himself

See Fred much less and See
If you miss him

TeaAndAMarmiteSandwhich · 17/12/2017 11:18

Hmm not sure what the problem is! He's talking to a friend so being honest. Sounds like conversations I had with male friends at uni (which was a while back!)

Original poster
YellowAardvark · 17/12/2017 19:51

Thanks for views! I’ll try the Guade approach - he didn’t listen at all when I tried last night, but he was drunk. I don’t know. As another pp said I think I have become a sounding board and have been trying to manage that.

There was a time a couple of months ago I found it too intense - when he was having a bad day he’d contact me hourly at one point and be in touch to tell me every blow by blow of his dramas. I didn’t like it and told him and we agreed our friendship was too intense and had a bif of space but slipped back into touch again. But here I am again.

I don’t know. I get a lot from the friendship but it takes from me also.

DP hasn’t ever said why he doesn’t like Fred but I think it’s s hangover from a few months ago when Fred contacted me a lot and also said some things to me which upset me (although has long since apologised)

OP posts:
ferntwist · 17/12/2017 20:21

What did Fred say back then? Do you feel any attraction to him, is that any element of this? I suspect he is attracted to you, whatever he says. It sounds much more intense than a usual friendship, if you know what I mean?

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/12/2017 20:26

Straight men, keen for a partner, don't tend to pester women they're not interested in.

Overloads you with contact? Disparages your partner? This man clearly has a bit of a thing for you, OP.

Original poster
YellowAardvark · 17/12/2017 20:39

Hmm. Back when I was single before dp there could have been a thing at one point but Fred met another girl and backed off then I got together with DP and I haven’t looked back in that regard although we stayed friends. I am not interested in him like that especially as I’ve got to know him better since then

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowAardvark · 17/12/2017 20:40

Writing it all out - I think I need to back away

OP posts:
IrkThePurist · 17/12/2017 20:44

Ditch Fred. He's a creep, thats why he gives you the creeps.
I bet you anything you like he's trying to get you to leave your DP for him.