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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ban trip to Santa Claus

26 replies

Idontneedanotherhero · 16/12/2017 23:27

DD is 5, has been behaving terribly since half term. In reception - behaved fine for the first few weeks, terrible since after (coincidental with the flu vaccination she had on the first Monday after - I tried to blame that for 2 weeks but no). Genuinely terrible, tantrumS, can't take her anywhere as she kicks off, little brother has started copying her, she starts to scream and shout and tantrum like a two year old. "I hate you. You hate me, nobody loves me etc etc". Stamping feet and so on. I've tried calmly reasoning and sadly I've shouted on a couple of occasions. I don't believe in threatening things you won't go through with but tonight she was so awful I said we would not be going to Father Christmas tomorrow. Unfortunately there is her little brother and her friend involved in the trip. Arghhh. What do i do? AIBU to spoil the trip for them all?

OP posts:
Fluffywhitecloud · 16/12/2017 23:34

I personally wouldn't take her but would feel bad for the other two if they've been good.

PumpkinSquash · 16/12/2017 23:36

What Fluffy said. Follow through if you've said she can't go if she continues to be naughty - not fair on the other two, they should still get to go though as nothing they've done wrong.

Nanny0gg · 16/12/2017 23:38

Have you tried to find out why?

And I must be soft, but I don't agree with that punishment.

Fluffywhitecloud · 16/12/2017 23:38

Is there anyone who could take her for the day so you can take the others? Or would anyone else be at home?

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2017 00:09

She's five and in her first term at school (which is knackering). And a shock to the system.

Would it not be better to find out what's going on before such a drastic (to a 5 year-old) punishment?

BackforGood · 17/12/2017 00:22

As a rule, I agree you need to follow through what you threaten but you really shouldn't have threatened that, and it seems very wrong to me for 3 dc to miss out on a visit to the big man himself, because of what is really common behaviour from tired little ones in their first term at school.
The children are generally exhausted. They are so busy, learning and doing so much. They are at school for long ours for often up to 15 weeks in the Autumn Term. Then school throws in all the lovely excitement of Christmas, which does, however unsettle their routine, and gets them even more hyped up, at the very time when families are also saying 'won't harm them to have that late night just this once' / 'go on, it is Christmas' etc. It is really, really, really common for little ones to get themselves into a poor behaviour pattern at this stage as they are just so tired.
If it has been going on for two months, then you needed to have had a discussion with the teacher about their concerns and how you can tackle them together.
Not going to see Father Christmas would just be really over the top , and so unfair on the other two.

SkyIsTooHigh · 17/12/2017 00:23

Give her a chance to redeem herself in the morning and when she succeeds it's back on.

She's knackered. Things always go a bit pear shaped by this stage of the term. I would normally be in the always, always following through camp but this is one she'll remember with shame and anger for the rest of her life. She also might spend the next 8 days thinking she won't get any presents.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 17/12/2017 00:30

Why would a 5 yr old think the people closest to her don't love her?

I think that's more important than the 'bad' behaviour.

And yes - agree with PPs.... First term at school, she's probably knackered.

hollowtree · 17/12/2017 00:35

keep you know what kids are like! They come out with all sorts and say what they can for attention, saving the best (worst) for extra special tantrums!

I don't think the OP should be accused of causing her own DD to not feel loved!

OP I think let it slide this once and tell her it's because you know she deserves one more chance to be good because you know she can- but Santa sees everything! And she's got to be good to stay on the nice list

KeepServingTheDrinks · 17/12/2017 00:44

Yes hollow it could be nothing. I do know what 5 yr olds are like.

But it could also be a really big something, and neither you or I can tell from the OP which it is.

ProseccoMamam · 17/12/2017 00:52

When DS was 6 he went through a stage just like your LO. I told him, if his behaviour didn't change the visit to santa wouldn't go ahead, he didn't believe me, how could I stop the Christmas visit to santa? Well I did, and I don't regret it, and I don't feel bad. He was heart broken. It was tough, his cousins got to meet santa, he did not, and he learnt his lesson. He was badly behaved, so I didn't let him have a special treat, and I would do it again with DS2 as well if I had too. Follow through with your actions or she will take the piss out of you. In her mind Christmas happens every year and everyone gets to do Christmas stuff, you've told her she can't do Christmas things if she is bad, she continued to misbehave, so follow through. I can guarantee you she won't do it next year.

hollowtree · 17/12/2017 00:56

They're on an internet forum asking advice on how best to discipline without being too harsh... sounds like a caring parent to me!

I used to tell my mum I wanted to live with my grandmother because I knew she loved me more... Then when I stayed over I would cry for my mum until she came to get me! Kids are like that I think

hollowtree · 17/12/2017 00:57

prosecco I think you're right TBH

differentnameforthis · 17/12/2017 02:09

What else is going on? Very unusual for a child to start having tantrums (I hate that word anyway) when they shout out that no one loves them, for no reason.

I think banning FC would cause other issues, as will taking the others and not her (seriously....what a cruel thing to do. Teaches a child nothing except that they aren't as important as their siblings and also reinforces the idea that no one loves them. As an adult who was treated like this, it does nothing for your self esteem).

They come out with all sorts and say what they can for attention, saving the best (worst) for extra special tantrums! Oh yes, because I am sure, at 5, and completely knackered, she saves the worst thing she can say for the best "tantrum" ! Hmm

Jellycatspyjamas · 17/12/2017 04:17

She sounds totally knackered, I know my two have found this term really hard going - it's a long term, dark nights, cold weather, Halloween, bonfire night, Christmas excitement and by now my 6 year old is really struggling to keep it together. Your daughter may be so tired she doesn't have capacity to control her many, excited emotions just now and it's coming out in her behaviour.

The one thing I find helps is being very careful about sleep routines - my two need proper sleep and by that I mean they need at least 12 hours every night. Yes it can be limiting and hard to plan but they cope so much better with the emotional overload when they are physically rested.

And no, I wouldn't keep her from seeing Santa, that's such an important part of Christmas at that age it would be horrible to deny her. i nearly backed myself into a similar corner with my little girl last night (panto, not santa) and in the end I'm glad we all went together. She absolutely loved the show and I wouldn't have missed seeing her enjoyment for the world. She knows I'm no pushover because her usual experience of me is that I follow through, but I think sometimes it's good for them to see that you're able to take a step back too.

I'd give her a fair bit of wiggle room until after Christmas, make sure she has lots of down time and lots of sleep and wait for your usually pleasant child to return to you after Christmas.

Koala2018 · 17/12/2017 04:25

Agree with other posters that she's definitely knackered and has just started a very emotionally/physically demanding stage of her life. I also don't understand why she would think no one loves her? Definitely don't try and take Santa away for her let alone everyone else. Just have some more bonding time with her, less punishment and more communication?

hollowtree · 17/12/2017 18:36

Just trying to help the OP different rather than make her feel totally crap and judged which you have probably done!

Being badly behaved is a way of testing boundaries, so constantly moving the line won't help. The OP is asking for advice, not a poll for whether you think she loves her daughter or not!

Kids just say things. Especially when they're off on one! There was a thread on here a little while ago about all the lies they've come out with! It was hilarious to read but SO not funny when it's you!

hollowtree · 17/12/2017 18:38

I agree though go see Santa! But tell her the Elves are watching! Very, very closely!

PinkHeart5914 · 17/12/2017 18:42

At 5 I think the whole your not seeing Santa thing is overkill tbh. Also a shame for the others to miss out and you would be unreasonable for letting them miss out

A 5 year old doesn’t say you hate me, nobody loves me, so either someone is telling the child like that or the poor little mite genuinely feels that way. She could also just be struggling and tired with being at school

I would talk to her again and explain that the behaviour is unacceptable
But I would take her to see Santa

SkyIsTooHigh · 18/12/2017 09:38

So @Idontneedanotherhero what did you do in the end? I hope things have calmed down.

Original poster
Idontneedanotherhero · 21/12/2017 22:24

@SkyIsTooHigh we went but we queued for two hours and gave up! So trying again on Saturday....thanks for all helpful advice though Grin

OP posts:
Tinselistacky · 21/12/2017 22:26

Maybe suggest you help her with a letter to Santa to apologise for her bad behaviour and that can she please stay on the good list?

nooka · 21/12/2017 22:41

Seems like fairly standard misbehaving 5 year old behaviour to me. My ds had terrible tantrums at that age (asnd for quite a while before and after too). She'll be shouting 'I hate you' and 'you don't love me' because the OP almost certainly reacts to it (hard not to). I see that the OP attempted a visit to Santa. I don't think I would have . A long queue would have been highly likely to result in bad behaviour. I hope it wasn't too awful OP!

Originalfoogirl · 21/12/2017 22:52

help her with a letter to Santa to apologise for her bad behaviour and that can she please stay on the good list?

What happens in January, who does she wrote to, to apologise then?

OP, we’ve all been there. Placed a consequence when angry, which you can’t possibly follow through with. If other are involved, I would relent with “we’ll go, but only because it’s not fair on.....to miss out”

But it does sound like your 5 year old is pushing the buttons and isn’t getting on well. Have you any idea what the problem might be?

differentnameforthis · 23/12/2017 07:26

hollowtree haven't judged her at all actually. Her dd sounds like my dd who has similar meltdowns due to autism (not saying op's dd has ASD) and her behavior is definitely driven exhaustion.

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