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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to Canada for a week and leave dp in charge of dd?

84 replies

HeavyMetalMummy · 16/12/2017 07:04

My best mate lives in Canada. We've not seen each other for a good couple of years and it's fair to say I've missed him terribly. Especially since having dd, I don't have many friends and rarely socialise partly because of this but also because of child care issues (dp often has to work weekends and I work Monday to Friday) we have no family locally. I have never spent a night away from dd, however dp has gone on weekends with his mates. Should clarify this is because he has an actual local social circle unlike me. However, this wouldn't just be a weekend jaunt it would be a full week of just him looking after dd. He'd have to take holiday time in order for it to happen as he would typically start work at 6am and although our child minder loves our dd like hell would she be having her over that early. Having said that there is no reason why dp couldn't drop her off at usual time each day and enjoy a week with his days mostly his own if he wanted. So would I be unreasonable to go? My friend is very well off and has offered to pay for my flights. Not going to lie I would love a break but is it unfair to dp?

OP posts:
Userplusnumbers · 16/12/2017 11:32

You have to go OP! Your DC will be fine with their other parent. So what if he has to take a weeks holiday?

He gets a week off work, you get a week off childcare. Sounds fair to me!

twiney · 16/12/2017 11:35

Go!

Original poster
HeavyMetalMummy · 16/12/2017 11:43

Yellow, were it our own money this wouldn't even be on my radar. We will, thanks to the kindness and generosity of dp's mum be going on a family holiday abroad for a week. By no means somewhere as fantastic as Canada, but abroad none the less.

OP posts:
CaptainHammer · 16/12/2017 11:47

I say go. It’s a only a week.

ParadiseCity · 16/12/2017 11:48

There is no way on earth I'd take a week off work to facilitate DH going on amazing holiday without me but with a recently divorced woman. Our holiday time is rare and is for family benefit.

Enko · 16/12/2017 11:50

GO GO GO If I had been able to do so when my BF lived with his wife in Japan I would have gone like a shot and not considered it a issue dh had to take holiday.

Original poster
HeavyMetalMummy · 16/12/2017 11:51

The status of my friend shouldn't really be a consideration in this Paradise. He's my friend not an affair waiting to happen.Hmm

OP posts:
SaturndayNight · 16/12/2017 11:53

I cannot imagine being ok with my husband flying to Canada for a week to hang out with a female friend, leaving me home alone.

oblada · 16/12/2017 11:56

Wow I thought I was a bit of the difficult type but I would definitely consider taking annual leave to allow my DH to go for something like that, sounds amazing! Yes I would wish we could all go but just because we can't doesn't mean he shouldnt go, it sounds great. So go for it OP! I am entirely sure my DH would not just let me go but convince me to go! We want each other's happiness surely that's why we're together...

Smitff · 16/12/2017 11:58

I’ve done this sort of thing every year since DD was born. Sometimes DH takes leave and spends it with his children (shock horror!), doing all the stuff I have neither the patience for or interest in (eating rubbish food, slack bedtimes, outdoor activities which bore me, general lower standards etc). Father and children love it, for up to a week, and look forward to the next time I’m away! For shorter visits (eg a weekend plus one weekday), DH’s Mum will stay over.

For us it’s win-win. I get a break and am less cranky and happy to get back to being a SAHM. DC love the specialness of it. DH loves having the kids to himself without me insisting on table manners/ please and thank you/ restricting tv time/ vaguely normal looking outfits etc.

Original poster
HeavyMetalMummy · 16/12/2017 12:04

The happiness of each other has always been top of our agenda too. Which is why I've always said yes without hesitation when he has had the chance to go away with his mates. But it's always been easier for me to say yes because it's been weekend trips so I've not had to use holiday to take care of dd. Were he wanting to take a longer trip I'd also have the 'luxury' of still being able to go to work because of the time I start meaning I could use our child minder.

OP posts:
Chilver · 16/12/2017 12:08

Of course you should go! And any working parent rarely, if ever, gets holiday for themselves - mine is all taken doing 'childcare' I.e. looking after my child all day, not just mornings and evenings as your DH will be doing! I would LOVE to have my annual leave with a little bit of 'me' time in the mix!!! So your DH is getting the best of both - quality time with his child, but still gets his own time during the day. It's a no trainer for me.

MrsFezziwig · 16/12/2017 12:09

Am sad at the “well he can’t do it, so why should you?” responses. This seems like a once in a lifetime opportunity. OP has already said that DH has weekends away when presumably she just takes up the slack, & I doubt DH has been posting on MN to ask if it is ok for him to leave his family when he goes on these trips.
I would be concerned about leaving DD for a week if you have never been parted, but would not use this as a reason not to go - you need to start with shorter absences and build up.
What does DH think of the idea?

Original poster
HeavyMetalMummy · 16/12/2017 12:11

That is exactly how I am looking at it chilver. Just got the niggles about doing it also.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 16/12/2017 12:13

Sounds good to me.

Are you sure your childminder wouldn’t agree early starts for a couple of days? Have you asked?

Might a relative come to stay for a couple of days and cover DP that way?

If not, and you’re away over the weekends too (so more like 9 days some care) then I’d say week off work fir your DP and he takes a “holiday” too by dropping your DC with the childminder.

Most importantly though - is he up for it?

DistanceCall · 16/12/2017 12:15

Insomniac, she'll be upset on the first day (or part of the day, or perhaps she won't be upset at all but be excited by the change). Then she'll get used to it. And her mother can make calls or skype.

ParadiseCity · 16/12/2017 12:16

What is stopping your friend from coming here? Or paying for you all to go? Or you building up a social circle locally? Or you all saving up and going there together?

You're right it shouldn't matter about your friend's status. There is also no way I'd take a week off work to facilitate DH going on amazing holiday without me but with a non divorcing male friend either. It comes back to that our holiday is too valuable to spend apart. Work keeps us apart so much, spending 4/5 weeks out of 52 as a family is vital imo.

Original poster
HeavyMetalMummy · 16/12/2017 12:16

Mrsfezziwig, I've mentioned it in passing and got an 'oh right' response as in he acknowledged it was something that might possibly come up for discussion. But we've not had a proper discussion yet. Mainly because I think he'd say yes because he feels he has to, whilst not actually being 100% OK with it.

OP posts:
InsomniacAnonymous · 16/12/2017 12:17

"Most importantly though - is he up for it?"

Precisely. That's more important than the opinions of strangers on MN.

InsomniacAnonymous · 16/12/2017 12:20

Cross-posted.

confusedlittleone · 16/12/2017 12:22

Don't let him pay- use the money from dhs mum and fund yourself and enjoy it!

HariboBrenshnio · 16/12/2017 12:23

Go!
I've done similar leaving my 2&4 year old with DP. He had to take holiday to do it as well just as I've had to take holiday to cover childcare in the past.
Don't second think it. Canada is such an amazing place to visit as well. Enjoy!

confusedlittleone · 16/12/2017 12:29

Also he shouldn't be dropping her off and the childminder- he's a parent, he shouldn't be looking after HIS child so you can enjoy your holiday, especially since he won't be working

whoareyou123 · 16/12/2017 13:34

confusedlittleone are you really suggesting that the OP should use the money given by her DP's mum for a family holiday to find this trip? That would definitely BU

confusedlittleone · 16/12/2017 13:52

Yes, surely finding the trip with family money is far far better then taking money from some unrelated person?