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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret Santa - AIBU, and WWYD?

62 replies

ShoesHaveSouls · 15/12/2017 18:08

I honestly don't know if I'm blowing this out of proportion or not - it's a stressful time of year after all and I'm all angsty.

DS's school (secondary - year 8) did a Secret Santa thing - organised by one of the teachers. So I duly sent him in with a £5 gift today - only for him to not receive anything.

DS is acting cool, and saying it's no big deal - but I feel really annoyed.

Surely, if the teacher is going to organise stuff like this, they should make sure everyone receives something?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 15/12/2017 18:10

Yes that's really poor. I'd want to raise it with the teacher but not sure whether I'd go against the child's wishes.

Violletta · 15/12/2017 18:12

mine had the same - came back with a £1 bar of chocolate... i said to him that the person who gave it to him might not have £5 to share - still disappointed...

ScreamingValenta · 15/12/2017 18:17

The teacher should have had an emergency, generic gift put by for this situation. YANBU.

purplemunkey · 15/12/2017 18:24

Agree, teacher should have had some standby presents in case this happened - surely it was inevitable at least one kid wouldn't bring something in.

I'd complain to the teacher. If they're going to do this, they need to plan for it properly.

IsabellaDMC · 15/12/2017 18:33

My year 8 form organised their own secret Santa, though I allowed then to use form time to do it. I had a couple of spares in case anyone wasn't in and one was needed. I did rely on asking the students if anyone missed a gift though - did the teacher at least ask if anyone didn't get a present? I didn't check myself, so I really hope your DS isn't in my form and just too quiet to say anything. Clearly I need a better system if next years form class want to do it.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/12/2017 18:36

TBH leave it, if your DS isn't fussed. He's Year 8 which is an age that is likely to be more embarrassed if Mummy trots into school going 'My son didn't get a Christmas present, he was so disappointed he wet the bed!'. (Not that you would do that, but that's the sort of thing a Year 8 kid might imagine...)

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 15/12/2017 18:36

We had this with our work Secret Santa. I felt so bad for the person who didn’t not get anything and she is an adult so more able to deal with it rationally. I went and bought her a present that evening.

Original poster
ShoesHaveSouls · 15/12/2017 18:36

I'd have been fine for him to receive a £1 choc bar - or any gift, tbh - but to get nothing - it's just really harsh. He wasn't the only one to get nothing - which in some ways makes it better, and in some ways worse (i.e. how badly planned was this?)

Gah. It's really hard to word an email that doesn't make me sound like a spoilt brat parent. I typed a draft and it just sounds "waah waah, my ds didn't get a present". Confused

OP posts:
eastlondoner · 15/12/2017 18:40

If the teacher organised it then I'd expect the teacher to have made a note of who picked who.

userabcname · 15/12/2017 18:45

I'm a secondary school teacher and I hate Secret Santa for this reason. My tutor group insist on it every year even though I try to dissuade them and I tell them it's on them to organise / sort out between them. Inevitably though, someone is ill or forgets and then all hell breaks loose so I always have a standby box of chocolates or tub of sweets wrapped up for that very reason. I think it's a shame your DS was left out and that the teacher didn't have an emergency gift (or maybe she/he did but didn't realise DS had nothing....?) but I'm not sure much can be done now if you do complain?

ScreamingValenta · 15/12/2017 18:48

Could you word the email as more of a suggestion: 'thanks for organising a Secret Santa, it sounds like great fun. Just in case you do this next year, I thought I should let you know that a couple of the children missed out on presents - they're not upset, but it might be worth having some token standby gifts in future so everyone comes away with something.'

Howsthings1234 · 15/12/2017 18:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I think you are right to email, I certainly would!

RhiWrites · 15/12/2017 18:51

That sounds a bit passive aggressive Valenta, unintentionally I’m sure.

Maybe email saying “Hi, just a heads up to let you know DS didn’t get anything in secret Santa. He’s not bothered so don’t worry about him but I thought it was worth mentioning in case another child missed out and is upset about it.”

ScreamingValenta · 15/12/2017 18:52

Blush Yes, reading it again I think you're right RhiWrites!

cansu · 15/12/2017 18:53

This is absolutely nothing to do with teacher. Kids decide they want to do it. They opt in or out and teacher just reminds them to put gift in box by said date. Of course what usually happens is some kids buy much cheaper stuff than agreed or forget or don't bother to bring in gift. Why on earth should the teacher spend time organising the gifts for a bunch of teens?? The suggestion that they should buy and give out spare gifts is bloody unbelievable. By all means email, you will look like a loon!

LoverOfCake · 15/12/2017 18:54

Secret Santa is the work of the devil IMO.

If your DS isn't bothered though I would leave it, and perhaps say to him to not participate next time, so he's happy to not give but not receive either.

Most secret Santa presents are just shite anyway so he won't really have lost out on much. Tell him that it doesn't get any better when you're adults so it's a hard lesson to learn but now he's learned it early on and the hard way he can decide what he wants to do in future.

Original poster
ShoesHaveSouls · 15/12/2017 18:55

DS almost certainly wouldn't have said anything to the teacher - but it seems well established that quite a few were left without a gift.

This is something the teacher organises, however, I've had various vague reports from DS and his friends that the teacher wasn't even there at the gift swapping time - and the gifts were all just dumped on the table, with the kids rifling through them.

My reason for e-mailing would be to make sure this didn't happen again next year - if they're going to organise this, it should be organised properly.

OP posts:
cansu · 15/12/2017 18:55

Should also say that if you do complain about this you can bet your life that there will be no secret santa again! This is one of life's lessons. Your ds has taken it much better than you it seems.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 15/12/2017 18:59

YANBU

I organised a Secret Santa this year between my group of friends, and I had a contingency plan in case somebody couldn't send their package. It's just common sense.

SipTheCocaCola · 15/12/2017 19:03

Definitely say something. You can guarantee some poor mum has sent her child in with a £5 gift she can't afford so he's not the odd one out and it's thrown off her whole weeks budget and her child hasn't received anything.

And please don't anyone tell me £5 wouldn't mean a whole nights dinner lost or something to some people. It is.

crunchymint · 15/12/2017 19:09

Leave your DS to say something if he wants to. If your DS is really not bothered, you say something, the teacher talks to your DS who says he is not bothered - you will clearly come across as an over protective parent.

metalmum15 · 15/12/2017 19:12

DDs secondary school class do this every year, organised by the teacher, not the pupils. Last year dd was the only one in the class who didn't receive a present. Tutor then shouted at the child who should have bought one, so next day said child duly rocked up with a last minute gift. Dd felt embarrassed she was the only one without a present to open, and the child who forgot no doubt felt embarrassed to get yelled at. Secret santa presents have gone in today to be handed out next week, who knows if dd will come home with one or not? Personally I find it pointless and unnecessary.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/12/2017 19:16

I would leave it and your ds can opt out of it next year. The teacher must be aware it was an epic fail? I don't think you need to complain, although it's annoying.

My son's tutor tried SS a couple of years ago and it was a shambles. Ds got a custard cream and a bathroom sponge Confused. Lots of children said they'd participate and then didn't bother/forgot on the day.
They stopped doing it after that. Everyone brought in an item of party food that they shared in form time instead this year.

LoverOfCake · 15/12/2017 19:17

Sorry but people going without dinner to facilitate this? Really? Well more fool them then.

We're talking about fourteen year olds here not toddlers. If my child was that insistent that he wanted to take part then he could spend a fiver out of his own pocket money. Not a chance in hell would my family be going without dinner so that I could afford for him to buy some 5 quid box of chocolates in potential exchange for a load of shite he never even wanted in the first place or worse, be overlooked because some child forgot or didn't bother - probably the child who went home and said to his mum "I need a fiver for secret Santa" and the mum said "that's nice dear, well whatever you can afford, I certainly can't.

If the kids want to be part of this then the kids should be paying for it. They're not babies.

The fact that many of them appear to have not bothered appears to be evidence of the fact that it all seemed like a good idea at the time until the parents probably told them that they weren't prepared to pay for it and they couldn't be arsed to spend their own pocket money.

MeadowHay · 15/12/2017 19:18

Wow, is this a new thing? I only left sixth-form in like 2010 so not all that long ago and at no point in any of my years of schooling did we a do a form secret santa. I would have hated it as was bullied throughout high school and then in sixth-form when I moved schools it was fine but I still didn't know everyone in my form well enough to want to give or receive gifts with them all. I find this super weird.